The day before my fake wedding in Dothan, my girlfriends, my sister and I had a Confession Session with my mom.One example: Mom, I wasn’t really at the library. I was barreling down Old Delaney Road with various teenagers poking out of the sunroof of Dad’s ancient Volvo. It was fun! Gravel roads, low branches, and delicate machinery be damned, it was fun. And Dad totally had no idea I'd stolen his car.
The confessions felt good. Cleansing. Glorious. And, of course, my mom already knew everything anyway.
But I feel the need for another confession session. I'm about to spill my guts to every man I’ve ever met up with on a first date. It isn’t pretty, but I’ve learned to cheerfully embrace my own imperfections. Maybe someday I’ll meet someone who finds all of this funny...
...and maybe even kind of hot.
My Secrets:
My dad isn’t really a gun collector, and I don’t have a big brother named Bruno.
If I met you online, I forwarded your profile to at least two of my girlfriends. One, so they can amuse themselves with it, and two, so you can be identified if I turn up dead in a ditch.
I really do worry about turning up dead in a ditch. There’s a reason for that, which I don’t explain until the fifth date or so. I have a schedule for these things.
I’m sorry I got drunk and face-planted into the side of a taxi. It’s nothing personal. (Please please tell me you thought it was cute!)
It's not nervous chatter. I always verbalize every thought that stomps around my brain.
There’s a $20 bill in a hidden corner of my wallet, so I can run outside and hail a cab if you’re truly appalling.
I’m reaching for my wallet with total sincerity, and totally don’t mind paying, but would kind of prefer for you to pick up the check.
It's a successful date if I feel like I've made a new friend. I rarely feel instant chemistry, and when I do, it's because I've got a wild craving for a bad idea. I've outgrown that sort of thing, though. Mostly. Dear God, I hope so.
If I think you’re a complete jerk, I will hang around to see how awful you can truly be. I’m not trying to lead you on, it’s just that I love a good freakshow.
I'm totally comfortable with my body and my appearance. However, what I'm not comfortable with is not being taken seriously because of the way I look. It happens, a lot. Especially on dates. And I hate it.
If I’ve seen your apartment, I’ve probably mentally moved my stuff into it. This isn’t because I’m clingy, it’s because I love to decorate.
If I don't like you, I will change your name in my phone to something insulting. "Hell No," "You Can Do Better," "Handsy McOctopus" and "Handsy McInsincere" have all at one point lived together inside my address book.
I totally don’t mind being asked about my divorce. In fact, I'll bring it up myself to see whether you’re judgmental or uptight.
If you found my blog, and don't own up to having read it, I will feel violated.
I can tell you’re wearing lifts in your shoes.
I’ll be sad if you don’t call me.
In the comments, confess something to me. It'll do you good.
28 comments:
If your bathroom is dirtier than mine, it is over. Or it will never start.
Yeah, I know, you’re a freaky woman. But I don’t want to hear stories, I want to see them.
I love kids. And I like you. But this combination isn’t gonna work!
I judge a man harshly if he orders a salad on a date.
I haven't seen Citizen Kane.
Foxy - That felt good, didn't it?
Lem - I don't care so much about salad, what I judge is if the guy tries to order for me. Now, if I flinch, and back down, it's OK. But if he barrels ahead with, "The lady will have..." then, no. Ugh.
*I think I'm smarter than most people I run into (statistically, I'm right) but I try not to show it.
*whenever I meet a girl, I imagine how she likes to be "serviced"...in case it ever comes to that.
*whenever I meet a guy, I imagine what tactics I would use to defeat him in a street fight...in case it ever comes to that.
*I have never gone skiing, and I have no desire to.
*I lost respect for Jack Nicholson after I peed next to him...partly because he didn't wash his hands afterwards, but mostly because my wang was bigger than his, and he is therefore less of a man than I am.
Ninja - I'm impressed so much of your inner monologue revolves around beatdowns and oral sex...it's very manly of you.
If I cop a feel, I'm not a perv, I just want to make sure you're not a MAN baby!!!
I thought "2001: A Space Odyssey" was a pretty boring movie. It kept me from reading anything by Arthur C Clarke for years.
I actually can and do say "I don't know." The reason you never hear me say it is because I'm brilliant.
The neighbors dog ran away for a week because when my parents went on a cruise I had a bunch of friends over and we fired bottle rockets at passing cars from the roof. We used the tube from a roll of carpet to aim.
OneDate - I AM a man, baby!
Ibid - 2001 bored the pants off me. Literally. I got so bored I tried to take my pants off and use them to cover the television.
If I met you online and the date lasted less than an hour, it is a pretty sure bet that I gave at least a passing thought to hoping you didn't see me and leaving through the back door of the bar.
Shannon, read the book. It's much more interesting. And it tells you what that acid trip at the end was all about.
Refugee - Just so long as you don't climb out the window of the men's washroom.
Ibid - I don't read. Words funny. Words lie.
Whenever I make love, I want to fall asleep immediately. As I get older I frequently fall asleep before. I wish I were getting younger.
I'm getting younger. Many centuries ago I was Merlin.
* If you don't ask any questions in the first 10 minutes, you are way more into you than I am, and I'm gone.
Oh! And I have a secret 20, too! I call it "the magic 20" because it magically appears in desperate times.
Michael - Well, just so long as you don't fall asleep DURING. That's never good.
Ibid - I sort of believe that.
LaCochran - I carry an emergency $20 even in non-date situations. The last time I forgot cab cash, I seem to recall Lemmonex giving me $20 out of her left bra-cup. I really hope I imagined that.
By the way, guys, how many of you knew that women carry a Hasty Retreat $20? And how does that make you feel?
"I'm sure I'm smarter than you until you prove otherwise, which I hope you do, I can't respect somebody not as or more intelligent than me"
"I contradict myself in every single argument I've EVER engaged in. EVER."
"If your attractive, I am undressing you in my mind."
"I will throw my divorce and two kids out before the entree comes to see your reaction and I will also mention my friendship with my ex-wife for similar purposes"
"If you don't at least make a weak effort on the first dinner tab, that's the last date we ever have."
"I don't do low sex relationships. I will break up with you for that."
BH - It's good to hear that I'm not alone in saying, "Yeah, I'm divorced. Wanna make somethin' of it? Huh?"
How many of you knew that women carry a Hasty Retreat $20? How does that make you feel?
I always suspected.
But, honey, at the end of an evening with me the woman usually lets me walk away with that $20 bill--and four more just like it! :)
A guy with small, stubby, or feminine hands is a complete dealbreaker for me.
Jealousy and possessiveness of me, (in the right situation), totally turns me on.
I don't always want you to try something. But if you don't, I will feel rejected.
I probably had a shot of whiskey before I met up with you. This was because if you're cute, I'm probably very nervous; and if you're ugly I needed to be a little buzz to pass the time on our date.
When I sent you that email/text thanking you for the date, I was merely being polite. I don't neccessarily want to marry you and have your babies.
Actually, I'm not even sure I want marriage or babies, thank you very much.
However, if I do like you I might have speculated about what our kids might look and act like. Not because I'm clingy but because it's a fun exercise.
That plaid button down shirt you were wearing was really hot.
Michael - well, it does cost $100 to take out a restraining order.
Liv - We're opposites in one way...jealousy makes me run for the hills.
HP - All good ones...the whiskey shot especially.
Baby, I was kidding! I won't stalk you and I won't demand money for sex. More than that I cannot promise.
I can go you one better than the address book - the voice mail on my phone had the following for a long time - "Yes I am screening my calls, yes it is specifically to avoid you Mark, take a hint and don't leave a message because I will never return your call. Any one else - leave a message I'll call you right back.
I do the same thing to guys I don't like in my phone. Sometimes I am a bit lazy and name them No, No Number 2, etc............
My confession: I absolutely refuse to comment on a blog when the author of the blog has left instructions as to what the comments should be about.
Michael - Will you go shopping with me, and offer insightful opinions as I try on 400 virtually identical sweaters?
Tina - That's sort of awesome.
Zip - Aw, the best form of passive aggression is the creative kind - put some juice into your names!
Gilahi - And how often do people actually do as I say? Not often!
My Confessions
1 - I wasn't really a year out of a relationship, we had just broken up. I just didn't want him to know I was using him for rebound sex.
2 - I really liked him...but the first time we made it to the sleepover phase...he snored so loud I had to go sleep on the couch. What a waste. I need my sleep, and he wasn't worth it to me.
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