Washington’s bar scene offers an amazing array of skeeviness. So, back by popular demand, we have Skeevy Men, the Sequel. And the usual disclaimer: I pretty much think that men rock. This is all meant in good fun.
Any Girl Will Do Guy: This guy will hit on your friend, realize she’s unavailable or uninterested, and move on to you. The best part is that, while he is cravenly pursuing anything with ovaries, he is utterly convinced that he is slick and that you are not even remotely on to him. Any Girl Will Do Guy, we know your shtick. We keep you around for the free drinks and to see exactly how many of us you’ll try to pick up over the course of the evening.
Nonsensical Compliment Guy: No, I am not a hand model, gymnast or standup comedian. These are my real cheekbones, I don’t do yoga, and I really, really wish you’d talk to me like I’m an actual person with feelings and ideas.
Gamester Guy: This is the guy that reads “seduction” literature and uses “techniques” to “pursue and attain” the “woman of his choice.” Now, I get that men have to hit on women, because otherwise the human race would die out. But since most of these “seduction techniques” involve creating false intimacy and the use of cheap manipulation to get women into bed, it’s skeevy.
Expert at Everything Guy: Wow, he’s smart. He knows everything you could ever possibly want to know. If you order a beer, he’ll tell you to go with a fancy specialty version instead. If you play pool, he will hover the entire time and tell you which shot to make and why. Your jukebox selections are vastly inferior, you are not wise to the ways of darts, and you don’t know enough about fine wines. Clearly, what you are supposed to do is date the Expert so some of his brilliance will rub off on you.
I’m Really Very Shy Guy: This guy pretends that he is totally out of his element, and has never been to a bar before in his life. Really, he’s hoping the wounded puppy routine will hook a few phone numbers (and perhaps unhook a few bras). He’ll also probably tell you he’s a feminist, a lesbian trapped in a man’s body, or that his last girlfriend dumped him for an alpha male meathead. After 20 minutes of I’m Really Very Shy Guy, you’ll be looking for a knuckle-dragging Neanderthal of your very own. I think I’m Really Very Shy Guy is a plant so that Gamester Guy can round up a few more conquests.
Mortgage Man: He’s not just a guy, he’s a man! And why’s that? Because he has a mortgage. And he’ll tell you about his mortgage as fast as he can, to differentiate himself from those pathetic beta male renters. After two drinks, you’ll hear about his 401(k), and if you stick around for three, you’ll learn all about his plans for early retirement. Stay until last call and he’ll rework your stock portfolio and set you up with a 529 plan for your nonexistent children.
In the comments section, tell me about the skeeviest thing you ever did in a bar. Or just pay me a really nonsensical compliment.