Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Announcing a New Business Venture

Between the beer, the beer, and the beer on Saturday, my friends Sean, Mike and I started to kick around a new business idea.

ZipKid. The Kid-Sharing Service!

See, not everyone can be a full-time parent. But there are times when you just need a kid.

Maybe you want to take a little hell-monster to a barbecue, so you have something to talk about with all the mommies and daddies. Or maybe your nag-fest of a mother is coming to visit, and you need to furnish her with a temporary grandchild. Or maybe you’re a dude, and want to carry around a "nephew" to impress chicks.

ZipKids have health benefits, too! They’re a remarkably effective and cheap form of birth control. Just one hour with a two-year-old can convince any woman to spay herself on the kitchen table with an electric carving knife. With cheap whiskey as a sedative.

ZipKid can also be fun for couples. Most young couples test out their parenting abilities by getting a dog. Then they spoil the dog rotten, with gourmet food and organic flea dip. Eventually, the costs rack up and the couple is too broke to contemplate babies. ZipKid allows them to test drive parenthood without the accompanying veterinary bills, ruined furniture and dog-walking services.

And with the economy dry-heaving over a metaphorical Toilet of America…who can afford a kid? Only the very same rich golden-parachuted twits who got us into this mess in the first place. So what is going to hold the economy’s hair back? ZipKid! Kid-sharing is a low-budget, elegant solution to the perennial drain that kids exert on America’s finances.

Supply is an issue. Where would the ZipKids come from? Fifteen years ago, we could have replenished our coffers with Romanian babies. Nowadays, cheap kids are hard to come by. So, in the comments, I need some women to volunteer to be ZipKid suppliers. It’s like being a brood mare, except, er, it’s people. Bonus points if you have good genes. Turkey baster included.

30 comments:

FoggyDew said...

Right up to that last "turkey baster" comment, I was going to volunteer to stand to stud for your fantastic business venture.

How're you going to deal with overhead? Are the ZipKids going to be on constant loan? Or will there be dedicated ZipKid playgrounds around the District where you can swipe your card and take your pick from the available litter?

[F]oxymoron said...

Brilliant idea... I'll provide the venture capital you need to make this business grow.

Contact my peps

Shannon said...

Foggy - Well, er, if the suppliers are willing to go a more organic route, I'll keep you in mind. You have great genes.

Foxy - Awesome. We'll be in touch.

Doug said...

Nice! I love the idea. Can you franchise out? I'd love to do things like... ZipDog, ZipFriend, ZipShopper, ZipApartment, ZipDate, and ZipJob. (ZipBankAccount is also a possibility, but I'm working on the logistics still. Bill Gates - I'm looking at you!)

Lemmonex said...

I can do it. The kid will probably have raging body issues, but will make up for it with an extreme need to be loved. That is PERFECT for a Zipkid...eager to please.

Shannon said...

Doug - Sadly, there really is a dog-sharing service. And wouldn't ZipJob be temping?

Lem - Fabulous! We'll need them ASAP. Your baster is in the mail.

Michael J. West said...

Hey, ZipKid was your and MY idea! Why leave me out in the cold?

Shannon said...

Mike - You are correct! Hrm, must have been the beer. Attribution altered, call off the lawyers.

Shannon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
LivitLuvit said...

Sorry, chica, I only sacrifice my body for science, not business ventures. Based on moral principles, or some shiz.

I have thoughts said...

I think you've already got a certain blogger perfectly qualified to give you some ZipKidz. Zipcode, where are you?

I have thoughts said...

Oh, and I apologize for ending ZipKidz with a z. I just can't help myself.

Shannon said...

Liv - But this is science! We could cross you with a wombat or something.

Thoughts - BRILLIANT. How 'bout it, Zipcode?

suicide_blond said...

ok...youre brilliant...but i dont want them "storing" any in the alley behind MY house...
yeah yeah i know "not in MY back yard"....i just couldnt handle the noise if Y'all throw zipkidz into the rats and junkies mix....
xoxo

Arjewtino said...

Would you have to feed the kid?

Or, like gas with a ZipCar, it would all be included?

lacochran said...

"But there are times when you just need a kid."

Flawed premise. Please get back to us with a replacement idea or your grant money will be rescinded.

Shannon said...

Blond - Actually, we'll be keeping them over at Foggy's apartment. That's how he repays me by my putting him out to stud.

Arjew - the PRICE of food would be included, but you would, in fact, have to feed the kid. But it doesn't have to be nutritious or anything.

Lacochran - Fine, I'm a hollow shell of a dream that was never meant to be.

Michael said...

But, sweetie, wouldn't you at least like to practice making a kid? I mean, if Lemmie says it's OK, then I'm OK with it, you know?

lacochran said...

Wow.

You are not a hollow shell of a dream that was never meant to be.

You are brilliant. So suck it up and come up with another idea.

Temperamental geniuses, sheesh.

Shannon said...

Michael - no thanks, my womb's gotta stay barren and baby-free so I can manage the business.

Lacochran - Boost my ego a little more, and I might come out from under my bed.

Michael said...

I meant practice the technique of producing a pregnancy, not the actual gestation and delivery. Keep things in working order, so to speak.

Shannon said...

Michael, you've gone from funny-creepy to creepy-creepy. Kindly dial it down a notch. Thank you.

Zipcode said...

Why me? Really? You want a kid that can kick your ass?

I do have really good hair and eyes I have been told - however I am not into the turkey baster thing - it has to be a hot male to um make the kid. How much money am I looking at here?

Tina said...

I hate to continue the rain on your parade but have you even considered the insurance you would have to carry. Kids are walking petri dishes of germs. You would be inundated with signletons and dinks, whose immune systems are not normally exposed to these little germ factories, sueing over all the sick time / medical expenses they rack up after exposure to your product.

Shannon said...

ZipKid-Zipcode, we'd rather bring you on board than worry about future trademark lawsuits.

Tina - Fine, you and Lacochran are exiled from the ZipKid revolution! The rest of us will be waving our turkey basters and playing on a pile of money...like a really weird Scrooge McDuck.

Zipcode said...

lmao find me the hot man sperm donor and I am game bahaha

I have thoughts said...

Sorry. All the hot men are unavailable to be sperm donors. You'll just have to pick between Dustin Diamond and Sloth from The Goonies. A tough choice for sure, but we know you're up to the task.

Zipcode said...

thoughts allow me to smack you - what about Tony Romo? Jason Statham? Bruce Willis?

Shannon said...

Zip, Thoughts...you know, I would probably pick Sloth. Dustin Diamond is way too creepy.

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