ZipKid. The Kid-Sharing Service!
See, not everyone can be a full-time parent. But there are times when you just need a kid.
Maybe you want to take a little hell-monster to a barbecue, so you have something to talk about with all the mommies and daddies. Or maybe your nag-fest of a mother is coming to visit, and you need to furnish her with a temporary grandchild. Or maybe you’re a dude, and want to carry around a "nephew" to impress chicks.
ZipKids have health benefits, too! They’re a remarkably effective and cheap form of birth control. Just one hour with a two-year-old can convince any woman to spay herself on the kitchen table with an electric carving knife. With cheap whiskey as a sedative.
ZipKid can also be fun for couples. Most young couples test out their parenting abilities by getting a dog. Then they spoil the dog rotten, with gourmet food and organic flea dip. Eventually, the costs rack up and the couple is too broke to contemplate babies. ZipKid allows them to test drive parenthood without the accompanying veterinary bills, ruined furniture and dog-walking services.
And with the economy dry-heaving over a metaphorical Toilet of America…who can afford a kid? Only the very same rich golden-parachuted twits who got us into this mess in the first place. So what is going to hold the economy’s hair back? ZipKid! Kid-sharing is a low-budget, elegant solution to the perennial drain that kids exert on America’s finances.
Supply is an issue. Where would the ZipKids come from? Fifteen years ago, we could have replenished our coffers with Romanian babies. Nowadays, cheap kids are hard to come by. So, in the comments, I need some women to volunteer to be ZipKid suppliers. It’s like being a brood mare, except, er, it’s people. Bonus points if you have good genes. Turkey baster included.