Friday, October 17, 2008

Happy Skin-o-Ween!

My menagerie of pet peeves includes the skankification of Halloween. Sure, once upon a time, I paraded down Franklin Street tricked out as a dominatrix, but that was more funny than anything. Really. Try and keep a straight face while picturing me with a bustier and a whip.

I don't care if it puts me in "You kids, get off my lawn!" territory, or makes me the Princess of Prudity, but I'm sick to death of sexy nurses, sexy fairies, sexy French maids, sexy stewardesses, and sexy construction workers. To me, the average Halloween party looks like the opening scene of a very cheap and derivative porno film. Imagine it: boom mike hovering into the action, *boom-chicka-wow-wow* on the hi-fi, nubile, surgically enhanced barely-18s hanging out by the punch bowl.

Sexy Fairy: Ooooh no, my faerie wings have lost their sparkle!

French Maid: I'll shine them up for you!

Sexy Nurse: Don't worry, I'll make you feel better!

*cue tickling with a feather duster and frolicking among the thermometers*

And, scene.

Really. If you're going to trash it up for Halloween, show a little imagination. Give some sex appeal to those occupations that so desperately need it. Both men and women can get into the action (so to speak). Be a sexy colonic irrigation aesthetician. A sexy undertaker. A sexy fishmonger, a sexy laundromat manager, or even a sexy proctologist. Hell, even a fry cook can be saucy if you try hard enough.

If you're out on Halloween, look for me dressed as a sexy toll collector. Nothing spruces up a miniskirt and tube top like an orange vest and some rolls of quarters!

PS - Post based on tipsy girl talk at Liv's party.

27 comments:

lacochran's evil twin said...

"Nothing spruces up a miniskirt and tube top like some rolls of quarters!"

Nope. Too easy.

I have thoughts said...

Honestly, please don't ever go into porn directing or writing. That sounds like the worst scene in a porn EVAR! I mean, the girls didn't even kiss!!!!

Shannon said...

Twin - I ain't easy, I'm effortless.

Thoughts - Exactly...if Halloween parties looked like GOOD porno flicks, I'd have no objections.

Ibid said...

Sexy Muslim. There's a possible challenge.
Yeah, girl. Work that Burka.

My sexiest costume was last year. I came to work dressed as normal but with a huge bow on and a tag that said

To: Women
From: God

FoggyDew said...

ibid - Ohhhh, no you didn't. The PC police have been dispatched to your IP address.

Although, there is a whole thing in Iran called the Pink Revolution, where women are adding pink to their otherwise black outfits. Would that count?

How 'bout this: sexy museum docent. "Sir, you're making me Moanet."

Shannon said...

Ibid - I bet there are some way sexy burqas out there.

Foggy - Docents are already sort of sexy, aren't they?

Ibid said...

Sorry. Change Muslim to soldier and burka to fatigues.

Jack said...

I'm going as sarah palin. And i am taking a very thick flute with me...

J

http://adventuresinvoluntarysimplicity.blogspot.com/

Shannon said...

Ibid - Sadly, I've SEEN sexy soldier getups.

Jack - But EVERYONE is going as Sarah Palin! Maybe you could go as a sexy Cindy McCain?

Ibid said...

Sexy Barbara Bush (George's Mom, not his daughter.)

Lemmonex said...

Sexy Garbage Collector...

I have collected some garbage in my day...just in the human form. I can work it.

Shannon said...

Ibid - I think she's kinda hot.

Lem - Dude, that would be HYSTERICAL. I'm picturing a low-cut jumpsuit, some boots, and some trash bags.

Ibid said...

...as in flashes?

KassyK said...

I LOVE Halloween.

My two favorite costumes ever were Uma from Pulp Fiction (her character) and being a Harajuki Girl before Gwen Stefani or anyone here knew what that was.

It was 2002 and I just told people I was a funky Japanese teenager trendsetter.

I sexed up Marie Antoinette last year...SEXY queen.

I think this year I am finally succumbing and being Kate from Lost.

Be a sexy vegetable. I dare you.

Ewwww--Or a sexy peeping tom. Gross.

KassyK said...

Ugh spelled Harajuku girl wrong above--there goes me being cool.

Shannon said...

Ibid - I think she's well past those.

Kassy - I'm a sexy mess, not sure if I've ever been a sexy vegetable. Last year I went as a casino - green dress, big dice hat, cards and chips hanging off me. It was fun.

[F]oxymoron said...

Aside from the typical male costume... Pimp, Ninja, Super Hero, Movie Star... I once dressed up as a California Raisin...

Are there are any woman out there that can sport a sexy California Raisin costume?

freckledk said...

I'm going as Joe the Plumber, but a sexy Joe the Plumber.

Shannon said...

Foxy - Considering my size, if I dressed as a raisin someone would try to eat me.

K - Incoherence + a flash of thigh = sexy!

lacochran's evil twin said...

Oh, and I tagged you. Check my blog for details.

Yeah, like you were so busy doing something else.

Doug said...

I'm going as a Sexy blogger. I'll be walking around with a laptop, a little mini-notepad and pen, and wordpress boxers.

Zipcode said...

this is why I told my friends coming to my Halloween party to keep it freaking PG - my costume consists of a torn up Ozzy Osbourne 1984 tour shirt - I made it flashdance style, with a tank top underneath it, acid washed jeans ripped up and drawn on, boots - big hair and lots of blue eyeshadow - nothing skanky there

Gilahi said...

There seems to be a lot of this going around, so I won't be in the least bit hurt if you don't respond to this second, unrelated tag.

bh said...

I'm thinking about going as Sarah Palin. But since everyone else is, maybe I'll just skip the costume and go as a lemming.

brookem said...

yeah because thanks but no thanks, i dont want to be a slutscout.

elizabethwillse said...

As someone who fought the Halloween crowds in search of a not-sexy witch costume, I say AMEN!

I mean- I'm looking for the kind of witch who has a warty nose and gets you my pretty and your little dog too!
Knees and boobs covered! Why is that so hard?

yellowpythonsub said...

Strangely, without having read your blog, my boyfriend and I also had a discussion about "Sexy *insert character or occupation here*" costumes and we also thought that "Sexy Undertaker" would not be something you could get in a bag. So, mostly as a joke, I was a "Sexy Undertaker" this year: http://i46.photobucket.com/albums/f118/yellowpythsub/sexyundertaker.jpg