Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I Need to Embrace My Inner Grody-Girl

Aside from my disco nap of a marriage, I’ve spent the last decade living alone. I love it. If I ever get remarried, my husband will have to rent the apartment next to mine, and we’ll carve a doggy door into the drywall.

My décor is exactly how I like it, I don’t have to use any of the top shelves if I don’t want to, and nobody has to know how many sailors slept over last night. I can categorize my skirts by length, have bourbon for dinner, or only change the sheets upon the changing of the seasons.

But I don’t really take full advantage. I don’t know whether it's because I’m a recovering housewife, my inner Miss Priss is a domineering witch, or I've lost my ability to really grab life by the man-parts. But today’s post by Lemmonex made me think of all the living alone clichés I have yet to embrace:

I don’t walk around in my underpants. Nor do I dance around naked to Justin Timberlake. (I do dance around to "Mmmmmbop" while fully clothed.)

I don’t let the dishes pile up until they ooze their way across the entire apartment.

I don’t eat tacos over the sink.

I don’t drink milk out of the carton.

Worst of all, I CLOSE THE BATHROOM DOOR. Sometimes, I even lock it.

That last one makes me squirm with embarrassment. I am, amazingly enough, grossed out by the fact that I am not gross enough.
Does anyone have suggestions on how I can make my loner lifestyle a little more disgusting? Have you ever developed any living alone mannerisms, and exactly how icky are they? Scale of 1-10?


Lemmonex said...

Take off your pants! Embrace it, woman. I love walking around naked.

I would say watch porn on the TV in the living room, not your laptop, but I know we have diametrically opposing opinions on porn. Yet, we can still be great friends...not even porn can get between us.God bless the USA.

zipcode said...

I love living alone - no one can see me rock out like a dork to Guitar Hero (with the exception of my halloween party drunkeness) - I also close the bathroom door and lock it.

Shannon said...

Lem - Actually, I'm not wearing pants right now!

...because I'm in a dress. Does it still count?

Zip - I rock to Karaoke Revolution...with an audience. But it's good to know I'm not alone in closing the bathroom door.

FoggyDew said...

I invoke my Fifth Amendment right against self-incrimination.

zandria said...

Who says you need to be grody in order to enjoy living by yourself? You can be just as happy living in a clean environment! :)

Lance said...

living alone allows me to embrace my inner good-girl most every night. and by inner good-girl i mean the one i keep locked up in the closet under the stairs.

ok, that's a big lie. i don't live alone. shhh! don't tell the roomies. i don't want to share.

Shannon said...

Foggy - We already know about the bare-butt section of the much lower can you go?

Zandria - True. But I feel like if I ever move in with someone/get married/go broke and get a roommate, I'll wish I'd taken better advantage of living alone.

Lance - So long as y'all didn't meet when she came to the door to sell cookies, it's all good.

Arjewtino said...

Try eating tacos over the sink full of dishes while naked.

It'll change your life.

Shannon said...

Arjewtino - Thank you, as I am now picturing YOU naked eating tacos over an overflowing sink. Which, trust me, is not an especially hot mental image.

LivitLuvit said...

I've actually never lived alone, though it does sound rather delightful. I think most of my sins would revolve around never using a dish, other than a wine glass. Actually, I kind of do that anyway...

Justin said...

It's really hard not to have some of these come off as gross, but this is the topic du jour, right?

- I definitely wander around in whatever I feel like wearing (or not wearing) at any hour of the day. With the blinds up.

- My kitchen is stocked with items that would offend Lemmonex's sensibilities (mmm, microwaveable Indian food)

- My bathroom door is rarely closed. You really should try it - it just reaffirms that this space is mine, and mine alone. I mean, why shouldn't I? No one else is around.

- Until my subscription runs out (I don't plan to renew), I'm keeping the current month's Playboy on my living room table. Unless my dad comes over. Then I hide it, And delete the TiVo porn. And then un-delete it when he's gone.

Then again, I tend to keep a clean apartment, eat very healthy (and the Indian food is good!), have minimal amounts of porn, and rarely put on a show for our Russian neighbors, so I promise I'm not a pervert.

I swear to god I'm normal.

What's sad is that after re-reading this, I'm not even sure I believe that.

Shannon said...

Liv - Oh, like how you eat every meal off paper plates? Take THAT, Mother Earth!

Justin - The real question: if you die, who will go to your apartment and get rid of all the porn before your parents see it? You need a plan for these things.

Marissa said...

Don't take this in a creepy way, but if you can't just get home and pop your pants off, what is the point of living alone? It's one of the greatest pleasures of no roommates. Although, actually, I can name at least a dozen instances in which I popped my pants off regardless of roommates, although I'd usually then put on shorts or some other sort of butt-covering. But when you live alone? I say just pop those pants off!

Justin said...

You mean a porn buddy? I guess I need to accept volunteers...

Anonymous said...

"Try eating tacos over the sink full of dishes while naked."

Done it. Twice.

Anonymous said...

My place turns from married home to bachelor's den in seconds when my wife isn't around. I eat the junkiest of junk food - fall asleep on the couch watching a movie I've watched a million times - the dishes pile up - the bed goes unmade - I walk around shirtless (but stay clothed because I have a dog) - I play video games until the wee-est hours - a pile of clothes grows and grows each days because I don't put anything away - I basically turn into the slob to rule all slobs.

I think I do it because I've never lived alone so I need to cram all of my bad habits into a short period of time. Who knows? Who cares?

Jo said...

You know shannon, I have to agree with you on this one. I lived alone for all of a month... if that... before Nick moved in and I rarely did or (on days when no one's home) do those things. I get paranoid about walking around naked because someone will see me, I hate having my house look messy so my dishes will only pile up for a day or so, and grossness? Well, maybe a nose pick here and there. To each his own. I just prefer laying in bed/the couch all day reading without having to explain myself.

Jamie said...

A few thoughts:

1) Smoke cigars inside your house.
2) Leave (empty) condom wrappers in plain view
3) Eat an entire sausage and pepperoni pizza by yourself, and pass out on your couch with a half-eaten slice on your chest. Engage in gratuitous flatulence.
4) Leave all the lights on at night and not care
5) Blast Duran Duran at 3 AM. Leave the CD in your CD player so then next time you have a guest they will find it.

You should almost certainly get a television, though, to properly enjoy single living. How else can you understand the joys of watching infomercials or Skinemax while so drunk that you have to cover one eye to see?

Ibid said...

I have these nasty habits that I've inherited from two families who both survived the Great Depression with their farms intact. I can't throw stuff away if I think I might have a use for it or think I can fob it off on someone else who will have a use for it or think I can fix it and then fob it off on someone. So, when single, my house is restricted to a cleared path that connects a few key areas.

I try not to run the A/C during the summer. There's lots of naked time at my place.

Shannon said...

Marissa - Why do I get the feeling you have Mr. Potato Head-style popoff pants?

Justin - I'd volunteer, but I don't have any porn of my own to hide.

Jo - Well, at the very least, a day in pajamas is worth trying.

Jamie - I own a TV, I just don't WATCH TV. I do enjoy a good Grand Theft Auto marathon.

1. No, 2. Um...done it, 3. Girls don't have flatulence, 4. I do that anyway, in case there's a terrorist boogeyman under the bed, 5. Duran Duran is actually one of the LESS embarrassing items in my collection.

Shannon said...

Ibid - Are you one of those crazy hoarder people, with like, 14 dead cats under the sofa?

bh said...

My clothing or lack there of tends to run with the seasons. Because I have to pay my own utilities, I tend to keep the house pretty hot in the summer, which results in a lot of shirtlessness, but walking around Naked pretty much stopped the moment that first EPT test came back positive.

In the winter, I keep the house freezing to save energy, so it's not unusual to see people in ski caps watching t.v.

Frying taco meat while shirtless? TERRIBLE IDEA.

Ibid said...

No, no, no. The cats are in the freezer. They'd stink if I left them under the sofa.

Besides, the professional hoarders can stack stuff a lot higher than I can.

Anonymous said...

Having just gotten back into the "living alone" thing a few months ago, I have gone back to the following:

1) Scattering clothes randomly over furniture and appliances. The least disgusting ones can often still be reused.

2) Stacking beer cans on top of each other in a pyramid-like fashion.

3) Recreating the Buffalo Bill scene from Silence of the Lambs.

4) Having commonly used condiments stuffed in the couch cushions for easier access.

Shannon said...

BH - "Frying taco meat while shirtless? TERRIBLE IDEA." ...are you speaking from experience?

Ibid - I bet hoarders ALWAYS win at Jenga.

Shannon said...

Anon - #4 is GENIUS! I'm going to start stashing snack food in the sofa cushions.

Megan said...

I do just about everything naked...cook, clean, watch tv. Only the boyf recently got a key to my place...and he's now dropping by to find me naked all the time and has started to comment. I never close the bathroom door, definitely watch porn in the living room...occasionally leave a toy laying out, stay up late, go to sleep/bed with lights and the tv on. Take the sheets off to wash them...get too lazy to put clean sheets on them... crash on the couch. :-) Oh and I'm as disorganized as I want to be - the other morning I couldn't find my black bra... wandered around and found it in the kitchen... huh how'd that get there? LOL

bh said...

Yes. Yes, I am.

My stupidity (and inner white trash-osity) is limitless.

Shannon said...

Megan - Lead me down the path to your wisdom. I am in awe of you.

BH - If it makes you feel any better, I once thought it would be way cute to make breakfast in lingerie. Until I fried the bacon. Ow! Not hot.

Ibid said...

I'm not seeing why Megan's BF has a problem.

Justin said...

Other than the boyfriend, megan sounds like the perfect woman :)

Doug said...

I celebrated the jewish holidays naked. Actually I do most things in my apartment naked, except I don't sit on my couch naked. That's icky.

As for you? Hmmm Do you have anything in your refrig that's been sitting there so long, that you are scared to even look at it? If not, buy a half gallon of milk, and leave it in the back for like 6 months. It's amazing how many layers form ;)

Shannon said...

Ibid - Me neither. Unless she fries bacon while naked.

Justin - I'm the perfect woman, darnit!

Doug - Actually, my one revolting habit is that I rarely clean out the fridge. If something starts moving, I jab a knife in it, then chuck it off the balcony.

KassyK said...

Yep, walking around naked....

Watching porn in the living room.

Talking to yourself and then finding yourself absurdly hilarious.

I am clean so the whole being gross and dirty thing doesnt apply BUT

Doing anything in the bathroom with the door wide open.

Singing at the top of your lungs.

Pretending you a supermodel and using your foyer and hall as a catwalk then flipping off the imaginary paparazzi.

The opportunities are endless.


Megan said...

LOL well the boyf is not so much complaining...more like in wonderment about why I am always naked and he is often concerned that the blinds are open...but the windows and balcony with the blinds open are facing the woods...and I say if someone wants to climb a tree to see me naked...well he deserves a little reward for his effort.

And I have never fried bacon naked...I have however made pancakes naked. :-)

KassyK said...

Oh and the spontaneous sex! Sex in the kitchen...on the couch--Whenever and wherever you want it!

Shannon said...

Kass - I live in a studio, so porn would infiltrate the entire apartment!

Megan - My apartment faces a freeway - maybe that's why I don't walk around naked.

Kass - I'm a 31-year-old virgin. Truly.

Carrie M said...

DAMMIT! I have inexplicably had MMMMbop in my head for the last two days and finally got it out...and guess what's back?!?!

I second walking around in your underware. You should do it because you CAN.

Victoria said...

yesterday i actually just thought about the door closing thing as well, after i realized that i locked it in an otherwise empty apartment. i think i'll continue to do so, lest i get too comfy and accidentally put on a show in the office or some other unwilling place. knowing me, it would happen.