My family excels at saying offensive and odd things to medical professionals. It's a wonder any of us are left alive.When my mother got skin cancer (one free lesion with every Australian citizenship!), she told her doctor she was excited about the, “Free boob lift. Well, on one side, anyway."
When my dad had a massive heart attack in a Kaiser Permanente lobby, he got so sick of the doctors arguing over who was in charge he selected a doctor at random. “Tag! You’re it!”
All of this brings me to my phone conversation with Dad the other night.
Dad: So, they’re doing some sort of experimental surgery on me.
Me: Cool! Like what?
Dad: They’re putting something artificial in my aorta.
Me: So you’re gonna be a cyborg? Will it make you evil?
Dad: I hope so. I asked the doctor for a lifetime guarantee.
Me: Did she get the joke?
Dad: No. She just stared at me. Then she said it was a five-year program. I told her she was being optimistic. (Note: Dad does. Not. Die. He was given six months to live. In 1994.)
Me: I wonder if there’s a penalty for early withdrawal, like with a 401(k). By the way, did I ever tell you about the time I completely freaked a doctor out?
Dad: No.
Me: I was in high school, and went to the pediatrician with Mom. The doctor asked, with her right there in the room, whether I was sexually active.
Dad: I’m glad I never took you to doctor’s appointments.
Me: (singing) The cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the Man in the Moon…Well, anyhow, I told the doctor, “No, I just lie there, usually.” Mom cracked up. That may be why the priest at the baptism I went to Sunday stared right at me whenever he said the word, "Satan."
Dad: No, that's because of the time you got in trouble at church camp. You traded your Bible for an ice cream sandwich.
Ladies and gentlemen, my family.
PS – yes, I know it’s lazy to reconstruct a 10-minute phone call, move some stuff around for comic effect, and call it a post, but I’m not exactly quaking with bloggy ambition these days.
29 comments:
After yesterday's "20 something with ADHD on a coke bender" of a post, this one is just dandy.
I laughed.
What bad parenting. Everyone knows you're supposed to give your baby Heineken.
BH - I'm a 30-something on an angel dust bender, thankyouverymuch.
Ibid - My parents gave me bourbon.
I got a rock.
You just LIE there? Usually? I'm reconsidering my offer of unlimited conjugal visits. :)
(But you were younger then, so maybe you're a bit more ... active these days?)
Ibid - I am a rock. I am an islaaaaaanndddd...
Michael - I was in high school at the time. Say, anybody who knew me then want to weigh in on what a prude I was?
Well, anyone who has been married will tell you, a least a quarter of your arguments are over who has to be on top.
Bh - Ah, the famous argument any long-term couple has, "Fine! I'll unload the stupid dishwasher if you'll be on top."
I still have nightmares about your dad, aka Wilford Brimley, saying:
"It's the right thing to do and the tasty way to do it."
Which would have been hilarious if he said that during your birth control doctor visits.
QP - Birth control pills aren't tasty...or are they?
I'll take a concentrated dose of that morbidly entertaining humor gene you inherited!
You traded your bible for an ice cream sandwich? That is so awesome.
Your dad sounds like a great guy to have a beer with.
Foxy - Dude, you don't wanna be a Stamey. Trust me.
Arjew - Well, it WAS a pocket-sized New Testament. Gimme the whole Bible, retro Old Testament angry God, menstruation huts and all, or give me an ice cream sandwich.
Birth control pills damn well better be tasty since they often make you put on weight. They better be like a drinking a whole chocolate milkshake in one quick tasty punch.
Ah, the Stameys. Here's a phone call between my dad and I discussing when Shannon and I put our cat of 14 years to sleep...
Skye: So, he was old and sick and he'd lived a long time. Better just to end it.
Dad: Are you going to say the same thing about me?
Skye: Yes.
Dad: Oh...
Ibid - Wanna try some? Nummy nummy, I promise they won't make you grow boobs or anything.
Skye - At least the cat was pretty cheap to dispose of. I seem to recall him being folded up into an old towel. Dad would probably at least need a blanket.
Boobs? Of my very own? RAWK!
Actually, I was just thinking the sex was tasty and birth control was the right way to do it.
However, we could significantly reduce teen pregnancy if those pills tasted like jolly ranchers.
I'm also picturing a much higher incidence of children sneaking in to eat Mom's candy stash.
I think that trading the Bible for an ice-cream sandwich is more than a fair trade.
Ibid - You'll never have to leave the house again!
QP2012 - We could also reduce teen pregnancy if we could drop abstinence-only in favor of, "Hey, kids, Mountain Dew is NOT a contraceptive!"
Ibid again - I used to raid the Flinstones vitamins. Ten million strong...and, well, I'm not sure about the "growing" part.
Ryane - It was a Neapolitan sandwich, too! Yum.
This? Was honestly one of the funniest things I've ever read.
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