The Express is Scheduling My Intervention

The editors of the Post Express BlogLog are famous for their lack of reading comprehension skills. I don't read the Express, and 90 percent of the time I don't even know when I've been quoted. But every time I do see the quote, I find some sort of lazy factual inaccuracy in the snarky postscript.

For the last time: I don't live in Petworth. I don't live anywhere near a 7-11, and I did not want to buy convenience store sushi on a Saturday (it was a Friday). I have mixed feelings and squishy opinions on gentrification, as well as many other subjects the Express has implied I see in cliched black-and-white.

But yesterday was the last straw in the Scarecrow of Remedial Reading Skills. They accused me of being an alcoholic. The wording I used was, "Between the beer, the beer, and the beer on Saturday." This implies several beers, as in more than two, but fewer than seven. My fourth-grade teacher (a suspected lush herself), would probably say I had three beers on Saturday.

Their wording, "Over many beers..." implies a much more substantial amount of booze. Perhaps a more substantial amount than would be strictly sensible for a woman who barely weighs triple digits.

Maybe they meant my friends and I shared these "many" beers. But I prefer to believe the Express editors pictured me hunched over a table, a row of empty bottles wobbling before me like a Rockettes line of the damned as I drunkenly ranted about child rental services.

Express, put this in your crack pipe and smoke it: When I was a child, my Barbie doll was engaged in pro-woman imaginary pursuits, such as founding her own business (a unicorn pony farm!), running for President, and establishing a women's art collective. She also had torrid, frequent, and wildly anatomically inaccurate sexual relations with Ken.

Add it up: I'm a feminist, and a bit of a pervert. Clearly, this means that in Monday's Express I will have announced that feminism is a perversion.

PS - Seriously, men, every woman you know did all sorts of icky things to Barbie. We may not admit it before the third (OF MANY!) rounds, but we so totally did.

PPS - I'll admit that I am a bit of a lush, but seriously...read for comprehension, Express people!

PPPS - And go check out that Gilahi post that I linked to...it's terrific.