Friday, October 10, 2008

The Express is Scheduling My Intervention

The editors of the Post Express BlogLog are famous for their lack of reading comprehension skills. I don't read the Express, and 90 percent of the time I don't even know when I've been quoted. But every time I do see the quote, I find some sort of lazy factual inaccuracy in the snarky postscript.

For the last time: I don't live in Petworth. I don't live anywhere near a 7-11, and I did not want to buy convenience store sushi on a Saturday (it was a Friday). I have mixed feelings and squishy opinions on gentrification, as well as many other subjects the Express has implied I see in cliched black-and-white.

But yesterday was the last straw in the Scarecrow of Remedial Reading Skills. They accused me of being an alcoholic. The wording I used was, "Between the beer, the beer, and the beer on Saturday." This implies several beers, as in more than two, but fewer than seven. My fourth-grade teacher (a suspected lush herself), would probably say I had three beers on Saturday.

Their wording, "Over many beers..." implies a much more substantial amount of booze. Perhaps a more substantial amount than would be strictly sensible for a woman who barely weighs triple digits.
Maybe they meant my friends and I shared these "many" beers. But I prefer to believe the Express editors pictured me hunched over a table, a row of empty bottles wobbling before me like a Rockettes line of the damned as I drunkenly ranted about child rental services.

Express, put this in your crack pipe and smoke it: When I was a child, my Barbie doll was engaged in pro-woman imaginary pursuits, such as founding her own business (a unicorn pony farm!), running for President, and establishing a women's art collective. She also had torrid, frequent, and wildly anatomically inaccurate sexual relations with Ken.

Add it up: I'm a feminist, and a bit of a pervert. Clearly, this means that in Monday's Express I will have announced that feminism is a perversion.

PS - Seriously, men, every woman you know did all sorts of icky things to Barbie. We may not admit it before the third (OF MANY!) rounds, but we so totally did.

PPS - I'll admit that I am a bit of a lush, but seriously...read for comprehension, Express people!
PPPS - And go check out that Gilahi post that I linked to...it's terrific.

31 comments:

Doug said...

Based upon what I read, I'm thinking that the Express will say something like this:

"I'm a pervert"

-Disaffected Scanner Jockey commenting on her torrid threesome with sex dolls when she was in elementary school

bh said...

I never, repeat, never saw any of my friends sister's barbies wear a stitch of clothing. Ever. It looked like Caligula.

Shannon said...

Doug - Well, I did have a torrid threesome in elementary school, but it was with two Matchbox cars.

BH - Girls are total pervos, no?

Lemmonex said...

They always take my naughty words out...The express hates the F word apparently. Damn censorship.

I hated Barbie. Never played with one my whole life.

Shannon said...

Lem - I get censored a lot, too, and it bugs me. Either quote me verbatim, or don't quote me at all. And I bet your Polly Pockets were way horny.

Doug said...

Matchbox cars? Damn girl, you ARE a pervert ;) I always had fun with my tonka trucks... haha (I'm not sure what that really means, but it seemed appropriate)

zipcode said...

They made me look like a gun toting lunatic the other day and I got the freaking big letters. I used to think it would be cool to be in the Express yeah not so much anymore.

Off to get supplies for bunker ha

zipcode said...

and my Barbies dated my Kiss Dolls

Shannon said...

Doug - So, what's the sexiest toy of all? I'm going to say, Snoopy Sno-Cone Maker!

Zip - You're NOT a gun-toting lunatic? I'm disappointed.

Shannon said...

Zip - Barbie and GI Joe tried to make a go of it, but the height disparity really gave GI Joe a complex. It was sad...they could have been so happy!

Zipcode said...

I had that silly camper thing and I made it the tour bus - I think I watched too much tv as a child. My Barbies were hooking up with Gene and Paul.

Doug said...

Well, that's easy - the Dora Aquapet!

http://www.ubergizmo.com/15/archives/2006/11/dora_aquapet_hits_amazon.html

(this isn't even made up! WTF?)

Shannon said...

Zip - You had Kiss tour in a pink camper? That's sick. And sort of awesome.

Doug - OH MY GOSH I MUST HAVE ONE. NOW. NOWY NOW NOW.

bh said...

The whole censorship thing is not only retarded, it makes it less eneteraining.

It's like me without booze:

Unacceptable.

Doug said...

stick with me and you'll go places you've never dreamed ;) haha

lacochran's evil twin said...

I swear they have a bot that just searches for a certain string length.

The only good part: you can say that The Washington Post has published your writing.

Just be vague your friends/potential bosses ask for a copy.

Gilahi said...

Let's see... "Disaffected Scanner Jockey recounts her childhood, which included giving underweight naked Barbies a feminist kiss while smoking crack and drinking seven beers. On a Tuesday."

Thanks for the reference.

LivitLuvit said...

Strawberry Shortcake is a naughty, naughty girl. That is all.

Shannon said...

BH - Agreed. I don't get paid for this gig, the least folks can do is quote me honestly.

Doug - Like the Island of Misfit Toys?

Twin - Yeah, I have yet to figure out why they pick certain phrases and not others...your bot theory is a good one.

Gilahi - Actually, Thursdays were when I really cut loose. And you're welcome.

Liv - All Strawberry Shortcakes, or just yours?

Tina said...

Did you know Leg Avenue has Naughty adult Barbie and Straberry Shortcake costumes?

NOT that I have any experience with either.

Gilahi said...

Ya, I knew it wasn't Tuesday. That's why I picked Tuesday. See, I was trying to be satirical in pointing out how bad The Express is in getting its facts right by intentionally....

Oh, never mind. If you have to explain 'em, they're probably not worth the effort.

Shannon said...

Tina - I love how my comment threads devolve into pervert toys and Barbie costumes. Y'all rock.

Gilahi - Mainly, I was wondering what a "feminist kiss" was. Anybody care to venture a guess?

LivitLuvit said...

They were all replicated from the same strawberry whore.

Doug said...

yep.... it's where you find things like this:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B000XJNNF2?smid=A1HH8X1DSLCZNP&tag=dealt89595-20&linkCode=asn

or the slightly naughtier:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B001AQK53U?smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER&tag=dealt89595-20&linkCode=asn

Ok, I'm gonna stop now, I am NOT a sex toy salesman ;)

Shannon said...

Liv - Now I want to start a band called, "Strawberry Whore."

Doug - Amazon sells ahem, massagers? That is just too cool for words. And I never knew there was any such thing as a bondage rubber duckie vibrator - my universe has expanded to the point that I'm giddy. I'm as giddy as a perverted schoolgirl.

Zipcode said...

what happened to Drunken Sock Puppet?

Justin said...

Wow. I'd never even heard of the Washington Post Express until today. Apparently the only way to make your quotes better is to take them out of context. Sweet.

P.S - I believe the tales of drinking, but I'm still not convinced you are a lush. I'm not convinced you're a pervert, either, but even if you aren't, I'll still like you :)

P.P.S - Ugh, why am I sick?

Shannon said...

Zip - I must be drunk, because I have no idea what you're talking about.

Justin - Sometimes they get it right...there's nothing like seeing, "Mother Teresa in a thong" in big print to make me happy. And I'm a drunk pervert who eats puppies.

Anonymous said...

No plastic toys for me. I made dolls out of real human parts. Oh on, I've said too much...

Jack said...

I'm playing with my ken doll right now. Just need to find a barbie...

But seriously, I want to hear more about the booze drinking.

J

http://adventuresinvoluntarysimplicity.blogspot.com/

Shannon said...

Anon - I make people out of plastic. Otherwise, I wouldn't have friends.

Jack - Oh, there's nearly six YEARS worth of booze on this site.