Monday, October 06, 2008

Skeezy Like Sunday Morning

My Sundays are pretty much all the same. My head is pounding, I have grass stains in surprising places, and there's an array of dead sailors on the balcony. So I like to take it easy: read the paper in bed, drink gallons of coffee, and putter around on the Internet.

As I’m shopping at the online Man Mall, my IM window flies open.

SkeevyDude4U: Hi! Would you like a cute guy to do a striptease for you?

DisaffScanJockey: Uh. No. Thanks!

SkeevyDude4U: :(

SkeevyDude4U: :(

SkeevyDude4U: :(

The lesson? If you are a man, and you use emoticons, I probably don’t want to see you naked.

Happy Monday, y’all.

47 comments:

Lemmonex said...

I have serious issues with men who use emoticons.

Here is my question: would you like an UGLY man to do a striptease for you?

LivitLuvit said...

Depends. Maybe if he has some crazy tattoos, to keep it interesting.

Shannon said...

Lem - It's nice this guy was in touch with his feminine side. Unfortunately, his feminine side is 13 and digs Hannah Montana.

Liv - Actually, it would be funny if he had a bunch of numbers tattooed all over his body. One! Shoes. Two! Shirt. Three! Pants. And so on.

lacochran said...

I'm picturing him slowly shedding emoticons one at a time for your pleasure.

Shannon said...

LaCochran, Ba da da da DA! :-)! Ba da da da DA! :-(! Ba da da da DA! :-]!

[F]oxymoron said...

Awwww... he was just trying to express his sensitive side...

Zipcode said...

what if he used text talk

WTF OMG BBQ!

Shannon said...

Foxy - His sensitive side is a mountain of ick.

Zip - OMFG U R NEKID!

Zipcode said...

hahaha

Shannon said...

Zip, I think you meant to say...

:)

bh said...

No, I'm pretty sure she meant to say:

ROTFLMAO.

I had to google that.

I'm always tempted to offer to strip for somebody, but well, I'm a guy, and it would suck.

HP said...

Emoticons=deal breaker. As does the term LOL. If you can't bother to craft and type an intelligent sentence, I have no interest in seeing you naked.

Shannon said...

BH - ROTFLMCO (Rolling On the Floor Laughing My Clothes Off)

HP - Ooooh, I hate "LOL" and other tweener typer hiccups. I think men ought to be men...and type like them. ME WANT BEER! MEAT! BOOBS!

Hammer said...

ME WANT ALL OF THE ABOVE! ME ALSO WANT PICKUP TRUCKS, SKYNYRD AND FIREWORKS!

Ibid said...

I'm afraid the most neanderthal I can manage is "Good afternoon. I understand you're having some trouble with your fire? Lead the way and I'll see what I can do."

Shannon said...

Hammer - Uh, so what are you doing later?

Ibid - Now, sir, I humbly request that you cease dragging me by my hair. And, yes, your cave decor is quite lovely.

Hammer said...

Later, me plan to DRIVE AROUND IN PICKUP TRUCK SHOOTIN FIREWRKS OUT WINDOW WHILE DRINKIN BEER, EATIN BBQ, LISTNIN TO SKYNYRD WHILE U SIT IN MAH PASSENGR SEAT FLASHN UR BOOBZ!

WHAT TIME U GET OFF WERK? :)

bh said...

I gotta be honest, Hammer pretty much nailed down my summers in Texas back in the day.

Good Times.

Wendy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
zipocde said...

this hammer character is making ROTFLMAO with a BBQ WTF :-) ha

5:12 PM

Shannon said...

Hammer - Sold! You can pick me up in a ginormous truck at 5:30.

Bh - Really, who needs CityZen when you can ride around in a big 'ol truck? I just hope Hammer keeps a few old hound dogs in the back, otherwise the ambiance will be completely off.

Zip - *squeeeee*!

bh said...

Hound dogs are ok, but not if they tear up the mattress in the back. As a native of woodbridge, you know where I'm going with that.

Shannon said...

BH - Actually, if Hammer is the right sort of guy, I'll be riding in the back of the truck while the hound dogs ride shotgun.

Anonymous said...

The sad face emoticon is a surefire loser. I do, however, find that the wink emoticon leads to guaranteed action.

Shannon said...

Anon- I'd marry the guy who came up with a sarcasm emoticon.

Shannon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jamie said...

Isn't the ;-) the sarcasm emoticon? I mean, I admit I occasionally throw in a smiley face in emails, but it's always to ensure that irony or sarcasm is understood. Blood has been spilled because of misundersood emails. Email has no tone unlike the spoken word... sarcasm translates the worst.

I will also occasionally use LOL or OMG, but only in a context of making fun of people who text message just as much as I do can but can do it faster by using terms like LOL and OMG instead of typing it out. If there's one thing you can say about us old-timers, we resist efficiency for the sake of style like nobody's business.

Beyond that I think WTF is always on point.

Shannon said...

Jamie - That was YOU?

Jamie said...

HTFDYN?

Shannon said...

Jamie - Huh?

QWERTY! DVORAK!

Jamie said...

... BEARS! OH MY!!

Shannon said...

Ah, I love it when the comment thread devolves into just me and Jamie, saying things that make no sense, and hoping no one else is reading.

Lemmonex said...

YOU ARE NEVER ALONE.

Jamie said...

Big sister is always watching.... she knows what I did last summer!!!

Aaaaaaaagggh!!!

Shannon said...

Not so long as I'm still living inside your purse, Lem.

I cannot figure out why, around 4:00, my comment threads always turn into closing time at the bar, with the remaining 2-3 unrepentant drunks, bickering over whose turn it is to pay the cab fare and whether solipsism is a valid philosophical choice.

Shannon said...

Jamie - OK, that'll get a WTF outta me!

[F]oxymoron said...

Umpa Lumpa Tat Tvam Asi NARF! I Pity The Fool

oh, and

:)

Jamie said...

I am not repugnant! But you look pretty cute...

Oh wait, you said unrepentant? Yeah, OK, so what about it? I don't believe in god anyway!! What the hell are you talking about.

Can I have one more Jamey before you close...

Shannon said...

Foxy - Ni! We are no longer the drinkers who say, Ni!

Jamie - I'm cuter after that third shot.

Doug said...

Wait 1 second here. So, what you are saying is, if he had just asked - you might have considered stripping? As far as I can tell, you shot him down BEFORE he emoticoned you. Though, to your point, if you said yes, and his response was ":)" then, I definitely agree with you.

That said, I'm an advocate for ";)" - for the reason that Jamie says above - its hard to tell sarcasm over email. (and because I know you're wondering -no, I'm not justifying my use of ";)" so I can strip for you)

Shannon said...

Doug - I was still on my first cup of coffee. I simply cannot handle a striptease until I'm fully caffeinated.

Now, strip!

Zipcode said...

:-/ the sarcasm emoticon? I think

Shan's comment threads are the best, its like a mini chat room

HP said...

I have thought long and hard about the problem of conveying sarcasm over the internet and my best solution is to invoke faux html coding.

Stupid blogger won't let me demonstrate this in my comment but i think you all know what I mean with the carat-sarcasm-carat-witty comment-carat-slash-sarcasm-carat.

The same method could apply to irony for those of you who use emoticons ironically.

thanks, that will be five dollars.

Jamie said...

@hp: way too nerdy. The only thing nerdier is pre-HTML, pre-emoticon usenet, like *grin*

Oops, I just outed myself as a pre-HTML usenet user.

Moving on then...

Shannon said...

Zip - Personally, my face doesn't do that when I'm being sarcastic.

HP - I don't know which is funnier - that you've thought long and hard about it, or that you'd settle for $5 for the greatest Internet breakthrough ever.

Jamie - That's like the pot calling the kettle nerdy.

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