Wednesday, May 06, 2009

The Tale of Happy Fun Loft


Our sophomore year of college, my roommate Hoyden and I seized upon a wild and brilliant idea. We would loft our beds! We'd maximize our floorspace! It would be completely awesome, like a treehouse with booze.

The first step was finding a loft. We rapidly procured one from an off-campus Christian collective for $40. Several "facts" were left out of this "deal."

1. The loft had been stored in some sort of medieval dungeon, and the wood was damp and warped.

2. The loft, a double, was actually the size of a small village.

3. Make that a BIG village.

4. The loft required assembly.

So, once the Christians had departed, it was time for the Stoners. See, down the hall from us, there were these two guys. They were, without a doubt, the most famous people in Alexander Dorm. (Even more famous than the guys who would stay up all night watching pornographic screensavers, and then sleep all day, mostly because the Porno Screensaver guys had all flunked out the year before.)

The Stoners were the only people on the hall with a toolkit. The toolkit was used to construct proceedingly more elaborate pot-smoking equipment. I have a theory that if one-tenth of one percent of the energy devoted to Weed Science was directed toward the other sciences, we'd have cured cancer and colonized Mars by now. They grew pot in their room, held Harvest Festivals, and still achieved GPAs that were approximately double my own.

Hoyden and I seized upon a plan: we would ply the boys with liquor, and they would help us assemble our loft! Flaws in the plan:

1. Stoner guys are not master builders.

2. Being 19-year-old girls, our drink of choice was the glorious, calcium-fortified White Russian.

3. Stoner guys drinking girl drinks are really not master builders.

The loft was eventually...aloft. Thanks to the warped wood, lack of instructions, consistent errors in spatial relations and the varying levels of sobriety involved, our loft resembled a sort of lumberyard parabola. The slightest of touches would set the whole thing quivering like a porn star gearing up for her big interracial stereo repairman scene.

We dubbed it Happy Fun Loft. Do not taunt Happy Fun Loft. Do not have any sort of active dreams while sleeping in Happy Fun Loft. Do not have any sort of, uh, active in Happy Fun Loft.

The final step was Loft Inspection. We passed with flying colors. Those flying colors being:

1. Screw that minor in Women's Studies! Time to flirt with the inspection guy!

2. Hey, that redhead from Maine thinks you're pretty cute.

3. What? She totally does!

4. We passed? Thank you! Thank you so much! (There may have been a curtsy.)

5. Hoyden, I didn't REALLY pimp you out. It was all implication. A pimplication, if you will. A pimplication for the simplification of our lives.

Happy Fun Loft survived many things. Parties. That time I stood up and vacuumed the quilts. More parties.

And, lastly, what is either the best punchline of any blog post of mine, ever, or, completely abundantly over the line of good taste (stop reading NOW, Skye! Look over here! Otters are awesome.):

I lost my virginity in Happy Fun Loft. The loft didn't wobble, not one little bit.

I spent Winter Break wondering what all the fuss was about.
If you have an even less dignified tale of virginity loss, you are welcome to post it in the comments.

41 comments:

Malnurtured Snay said...

I'm sad that happy fun loft wasn't very happy or fun for you. :(

Shannon said...

Snay - Oh, everybody has a similarly depressing first time story, mine just has the extra-special Happy Fun Loft twist.

zipcode said...

I always wanted a loft - lofts rule

Shannon said...

zip - And I always wanted a pet unicorn.

Michael J. West said...

It takes nerves of steel to have sex even in stable, professionally built loft beds, let alone for the first time. 'Twas for that reason that I always kept a beanbag chair on the floor under mine.

Dmbosstone said...

Wait the first time is supposed to be depressing? Shit...

Shannon said...

Mike - That brings up an interesting question.

Which is more dignified, losing your virginity in a loft, or losing your virginity in a beanbag?

Shannon said...

Dmbosstone - Actually, the depressing part is the guy wound up stalking me. Like, really? It's not like I was any good.

zipcode said...

Well hell, I will get one for your birthday - one unicorn coming right up.

Lemmonex said...

"The slightest of touches would set the whole thing quivering like a porn star gearing up for her big interracial stereo repairman scene."

Oh, God...that made me lol. Well done, you.

And is losing one's virginity ever dignified?

Shannon said...

zip - But that's not until November! How can I live unicorn-free for a whole six months?

Lemmonex - That one was for you, my dear. And, no, it is never dignified. Oh, wait, I knew a guy who lost his virginity to a Hooters girl. Is that classy?

Malnurtured Snay said...

It may not be classy, but it's awesome. Was she wearing her uniform shirt at the time?

I was giggling uncontrollably through my first time. She was unamused.

Patty Duke said...

An implication, a pimplication and a simplification.

Keep hope alive.

Jessie Jackson

Shannon said...

Snay - I never thought to ask, actually.

Patty - I was thinking a more Malcolm X kind of thing. "We didn't have sex on Happy Fun Loft, Happy Fun Loft HAD SEX ON US!"

Michael said...

It was one cold, snowy night in January at a cheap motel in suburban Detroit. The thingy in the foil pack ripped. In my hand. As I struggled to open the foil. It was most likely quite old as I had obtained it from a friend. She made no comment, left the room briefly and all went well after that. Bless her forever. And thus I became a man that evening, as they say.

Sorry you missed it.

M.

Velvet said...

I lost my virginity in high school to the 25 year old manager of Pizza Hut. Do I win? No? I'm not shocked...

He was so small the condom kept sliding off him, and he kept pulling it up. Like a sock that lost its elastic.

Do I win now? No?

Oh. Well, then when we were done, I was like, "Um where did that go?" He couldn't find it. I couldn't find it. I found it inside me a week later. I had to go digging though?

Do I win now? No?

Well, then I stapled that condom to an index card and mailed it to him. AT WORK.

That will show him for acting so not concerned about the missing condom. Asshole.

Shannon said...

michael - I was with you 'til that last line. Remember there's a fine line between funny-skeevy and skeevy.

Velvet - Oh my GOD. How could you have held out on that story for so long? That is just AWESOME.

Brett said...

The night I lost my virginity was what I believed would be a one-night stand. But. He was just. SO. HOT.

Turns out he had a girlfriend who was a Cosmo cover model (seriously, I saw the pictures), as well as a "son" with her: a stuffed frog who he had full-blown conversations with.

Also? He was half Lebanese, half Palestinian. I am child of the Israelites.

We were an interesting match.

Still, might be some of the best sex I've ever had.

J said...

Velvet, I am now even more scared than I was before of being a girl's first. Dear lord. Every fault magnified (except size, apparently!).. Granted, you probably have some pretty valid complaints.. and I'm sure I'm, uh, *slightly* less inept than him. But still. Sorry - I'm a guy, I have to take some homogenous gender pity :(

My first time was pretty sweet. She had been seducing me via naked showering together after we would go hiking or work out, etc. Eventually we were fooling around in bed on like our 10th date, and I knew it was time... I whispered "Fuck me". And we did. Good stuff. Afterwards I was in a good mood. I recall specifically saying "That was fun, let's do it again!".

And we did :)

Shannon said...

Brett- He conversed with FROGS? But, hey, hot is as hot does.

J - I already knew that story, and I'm still cowering under my desk. Excellent work.

Fiery Nuggets said...

I could, quite possibly, have you all beat . . . I lost my virginity in a car, in the parking lot of a municipal park, at night, in the winter. In the midst of my deflowering, a cop came and knocked on the window. Frightened by the interruption and fearful of being arrested, my boyfriend grabbed my coat (!) to cover himself, leaving me naked while the cop interrogated me about whether or not I was there of my own volition. The cop told us that we couldn't be there at night and then left with a mild smirk on his face. We continued our journey of mutual virginity loss. Suffice it to say that I don't remember the sex at all.

Skye said...

Ooh. Kittens!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GTxW3GWZ5hI

Shannon said...

Fiery Nuggets - Hrm, well, you weren't sexy jailbait for a mis-endowed Pizza Hut manager, but, on the other hand, there was a car and a cop involved. So it's a tossup between you and Velvet.

Skye - I love kittens! Don't worry, I'm still 12.

J said...

Shannon, oh I know. I was worried I was telling it one too many times (sorry!) but I just had to for your viewing audience's pleasure :)

On the subject of competition, it's pretty hard to beat a week-long lost condom...

zipcode said...

I lost my virginity on April Fools Day -- great day to do it I tell ya!

Well, I will get your a unicorn for my birthday then since its closer haha.

Patty Duke said...

:) Thumbs up

Shannon said...

J - I know! But, on the other hand, FIERY'S BOYFRIEND STOLE HER COAT.

Zip - Yay! I've always wanted my very own unicorn.

Patty - Come to think of it, 'thumbs up' is EXACTLY what it looked like...

FoggyDew said...

Since I know everyone in the post, I'm just going to sit in the corner, rocking with my hands over my ears mumbling lalalalalalala.

hoyden said...

You know, I don't remember most of the loft construction story, but not because of the white Russians. I think it had more to do with losing my virginity to my future ex-husband and spending all my time with him. I do remember the really sad battery-operated drill we (tried to) use to put the thing together. It was as good at screwing as your stalker was.

Shannon said...

Foggy - Oh, you know you TOTALLY deserve it.

Hoyden - "As good as screwing your stalker" is my new favorite phrase.

J said...

I could go for a White Russian right now...

bh said...

I was a freshman. I was drunk. I lasted maybe 30 sec. We never spoke again.

Good times.

bh said...

And now that I've over shared, I yearned for a loft all through college, but never had the ceiling for it. Which is a bit tragic in that I helped at least a dozen different friends construct them. The guys always overengineered theirs out of hopes of having some sort of hugh hefner-esque lifestyle. You could have parked 18 wheelers on some of those platforms.

Shannon said...

J - You and your girl drinks! I'll MAKE you love beer.

bh - I have a theory that virgins ought to deflower one another - the whole sordid, undignified experience ends as quickly as humanly possible.

Also, we couldn't have even parked a Matchbox car on ours without it all falling apart.

KassyK said...

I would love to put my first time story here but I am saving it for 2 Thursdays from now after the LOST finale...my first TMI Thursday ever.

Prepare yourself. ;)

Although mine was also Sophmore year and has somewhat to do with bunkbeds.

Hehe Hurrah for the Happy Fun Loft!!

Shannon said...

Kass - Bunk beds? So long as it didn't happen at Girl Scout camp, I'm all ears...

Velvet said...

Thursday. Teenage angst day. You owe me.

Shannon said...

Velvet - Late night at the office last night, and am taking the rest of the week off. I swear next week I'll post something angsty!

bh said...

That would be allsome: With your orientation packet you'd get a card along the lines of: If you wanted to lose your virginity in High School but were too inept or dorky to consummate, you've been assigned to fellow virgin X in Dorm Y, to have embarrassingly fast sex on Date Z. Please confirm with registration the act has occurred, and the rest of campus will be nformed via school newspaper.

"A and B lost their virginity after the September 21 Semi-formal. THe condom broke"

Shannon said...

bh - That, actually, isn't too far from the truth for those of us who didn't get our deflowering crossed off the list in high school.

Heather said...

Wow. My story is so tame compared to everyone else, but here it goes.

It was my 19th birthday celebration with a bunch of people I met on a messaging board called "Network Chaos". Enough said with that. Somehow at the end of the night I ended up talking with my best friend's ex-bf who was the moderator and creator of this particular messaging board. We talked about his dog and somehow this lead to sex. In the middle he was surprised to see I was a virgin.

In the morning he said he did me a favor. ha.

Needless to say my best friend and I lost our virginity to the same nerdy guy.

Thus we will always be best friends. haha.