Thursday, September 04, 2008

The Science of Being Shallow

Today, there was a bit of a kerfuffle over at DCBlogs. Not quite a brouhaha, but definitely more than a spat.

A contributing editor suggested that we bloggers make our posts more meaningful, and stop writing until we have something to say.

It was very difficult to not take that statement personally. We all know by now that I do not possess a window to the absolute. I'm not usually even in the same room as the window to the absolute. I write about falling down, newspaper theft, dating, my own stupidity, and other happy things. Then you lovely people make fun of me, and I lap up the attention like the cuddly indiscriminate narcissist I truly am. Instant validation!

But, thankfully, science has come to the rescue. My utter lack of depth, mindless chatter, and silly opinions are a weight-maintenance program! Thinking too hard fattens me up. Idiocy keeps me in my skinny jeans. My sluggish mind is cheaper than Jenny Craig, more efficient than jogging, and far more palatable than a package of rice cakes.

This is why I love science. Science has a convenient explanation for everything.


PS - I bet Luke Wilson never has to put on his fat pants! Plus, he's dreamy. Mmmm, Luke Wilson.

49 comments:

Lemmonex said...

My navel gazing is like, totally deep. Or maybe that is just my navel...belly buttons are weird.

You are not the only one to take it personally. I like living in a world where I believe everything I say is profound and revered. How dare they say it isn't?

Shannon said...

Lem - I'd respond, but I'm too busy looking at my belly button. You are correct. It is, in fact, weird.

Ibid said...

I LIKE HAM!

LivitLuvit said...

Life is about the journey, not the destina... oooh, shiny object!

PS Best. movie. EVER.

Shannon said...

Ibid - If it came from a pig, I like it. And because I'm shallow, I can eat as much pork as I want. Hmmmm, pork!

Livit - Where? Oooh, shiny!

Michael said...

God, you people are shallow.

Personally, I like big boobs and Netflix over belly buttons. I have a college degree...two, in fact!

Shannon said...

Michael - You peons are utterly beneath me. And belly buttons are still so totally weird.

Zipcode said...

Applause - hell my blog is nonsense, total nonsense.

Shannon for President -

Titania said...

I like to look at spandex-wearing cyclists butts, especially when they are right in front of me. They are so cute, tight, and the spandex makes them look oh, so good. Belly buttons are not available in spandex.

Shannon said...

Zip - I'd need to turn 35 first. Oooh, but when I do, I can be a cougar! I like college boys.

Titania - I like biker butts, too. Yay, butts!

Zipcode said...

35 year olds are not cougars ahem -thats at 40 :-P

freckledk said...

I like big boobs and Netflix, too. Unfortunately, my Netflix membership has run out. Thank Jehovah I still have the other thing(s) to keep me entertained.

Oh, and I *heart* Corey Haim. Love is deep, right? Right.

Shannon said...

Zipcode - Urban Dictionary pegs the age of cougarhood at 35.

FreckledK - Corey Haim is TOTALLY deep. Like, for sure.

WordNerd said...

I took it a bit personally, and I'm as obscure as they come on the feed. Hell, I think my bitchy wedding post today was something of a response. It's shallow, shallow, shallow! Whee!

Zipcode said...

are you freaking kidding me? I am depressed now

Shannon said...

Wordnerd - I'm sorry, I can't hear you. I'm too busy enjoying NASCAR.

Zipcode - I am ALWAYS freaking kidding you. Always.

FoggyDew said...

Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock...

Zipcode said...

Thanks to you I have spent 20 minutes looking at the urban dictionary laughing my ass off at the definitions of what many things are - that person who put cougar at 35 plus is getting a not so nice comment from me.

Shannon said...

Foggy - I'm confused. Is 60 Minutes on?

Zip - Really, you ought to be using that time to contemplate the nature of the Universe.

FoggyDew said...

Merely a comment on the approach of cougarhood and jaguarhood and futile attempts to stave it off.

zipcode said...

Or think of a meaningful post perhaps? Honestly, your blog and some others provide me great laughs that make working a stressful job really take the edge off - I sincerely thank you for that. Who wants to read about the meaning of life everyday?

Velvet said...

Great Shannon. Thanks for pointing me in the direction of that catfight. I had to jump in with claws out.

freckledk said...

I can't access DC Blogs from my office and CANNOT WAIT to get home to read this shit.

freckledk said...

I can't access DC Blogs from my office and CANNOT WAIT to get home to read this shit.

Shannon said...

Foggy - What's a jaguar? I hope it's profound, whatever it is.

Velvet - ooooh, boy. Didn't plan to start a war, just wanted to give snootiness a cheerful finger.

Frecks - Man, I love The Man. Don't you?

Shannon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
brandonsavage said...

Wait...so I'm fat because I'm smart? Rock on! This could work for me...

Probably still won't help me get girls...

Shannon said...

Or you're smart because you're fat.

And I'm sorry I called you fat.

Carrie M said...

Yeah, I posted about mothereffing Warrant today. Their songs were totally deep.

Also, I like this new defense. I'm not fat, I'm smart.

Grassy-ass!

Carrie M said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
FoggyDew said...

It was my mistake. I misread something, and the term I should have used is "manther."

Shannon said...

Carrie - Cherry Pie is the one shred of meaning in my bleak existence. *sob*

Foggy - Are you vying for mantherhood?

Velvet said...

Carrie is posting again? Hot damn! On my way!

Carrie M said...

just thought of this excuse, "i'm having a smart day."

if you love Cherry Pie, you will love my upcoming post dissecting the genius of hair metal lyrics. complete with videos.

Shannon said...

Velvet - So go say hello! And I liked your comment on the DC Blogs post.

Carrie - Man, I'm too smart for the size Small. Can I have the brainy Medium?

Carrie M said...

i may or may not have snorted over your reply, shannon.

btw, thanks velv! i'm trying to be back - i've averaged like 2 posts a month. you know i can't resist talking about hair bands and posting photos of them.

Tina said...

Oooh goody - I now know - its not my genes, lack of physical activity or overeating that's made me - ahem - plump. Its those thre feaken college degrees. and so if 35 is couger what is 40 now - post couger?

[F]oxymoron said...

But your shallow, meaningless, and narcissistic rants have inspired me to write at length about flip flops and fashion! Please, just keep it simple and meaningless.

And yes, Jaguars are the luxury ride.

Titania said...

Panther? have to go follow some spandex-covered-biker-butts to burn off all that smartness of mine. My waist is really bright these days.

Shannon said...

Carrie - If you get any smarter, you'll have to go out and buy a bunch of drawstring pants.

Tina - Indeed, if you'd just stop thinking you'd be back in your prom dress in no time!

Foxy - I am deeply offended at the notion that you cannot find the secrets of the Universe within a pair of flip-flops. I'm profoundly intelligent...now let me go find my fat pants.

Titania - Biker Butts: America's Next Cool Diet!

lacochran said...

Ibid said...

I LIKE HAM!

I don't. Damn. So close to meaningful discourse. Wait...

I LIKE MAC & CHEESE!

Shannon said...

I LIKE TACOS. And ponies. And maybe ponies made out of tacos.

Titania said...

Good ol' whopper!

Foilwoman said...

Shannon: Um, I'm really sorry you thought that I, in all my crankiness and depression (see post for response) was writing about you. I actually find your blog deeply meaningful. Which just shows how one should never post in an absolutely foul mood. I'm leaving it up though. I don't want to pretend it didn't happen.

Gilahi said...

But Shannon, do you like tacos made out of ponies?

Shannon said...

Titania - I'm more of a Whopper Jr, cheese, no onion kind of girl.

Foilwoman - Don't worry about it, no harm done. I just wanted to poke a little fun at the idea of being all profound and stuff.

Gilahi - No, because I rode horses growing up. I would quite possibly eat a taco made out of puppies, though.

brandonsavage said...

Shannon, I called me fat, so no worries.

HP said...

Ah, DC Blogs. That bastion of journalistic integrity. Right after the Grey Lady in terms of authority and repute. Dudes, we're bloggers. As in, we use a medium first popularized by Doogie Howser to tell stranger and friends alike about our dating woes, job woes, or why we like tater tots. What were they expecting, the Economist?

Shannon said...

I LIKE TATER TOTS.