Thursday, October 30, 2008

So Very Unsexy, on a Scale of 1-10

My dear friend Foggy sent me an article called, “Five Times You’re Sexy to Men.” The usual suspects are there: when you smile, when you flip your hair, when you’re a drunk chick on prom night, blah-de-blah. Most of these, we already knew.

So I thought I’d subvert the script, and list five times I was NOT sexy to men, and rate them on a scale of 1-10. Awesomely, they all occurred in the last 24 hours:

1. I told the Blond's readers that my safety words are, “OUCH!” followed by, “The hell?” Why bother with a code word when you can get right to the point? Unsexy quotient: 7.5

2. This morning, I freaked over the mysterious relocation of the toothpaste, and turned the entire bathroom upside down to find it while muttering to myself and yanking at my hair. (I go a little bonkers when I can’t find something.) Unsexy quotient: 4
3. I used generic Windex to clean a recalcitrant DVD, after popping store-brand Claritin and pouring a glass of fancy Pennsylvania wine. Cheapskates are hot…right? Wrong! Unsexy quotient: 6

4. I called my dad to see how his cyborg surgery went, and, upon hearing Dad’s sad, scratchy, tube-down-the-throat voice, demanded he perform some tunes from the Shaft soundtrack. That’s me, Daughter of the Year. Unsexy quotient: 3

5. When I brushed my teeth last night, I spread some of the foam around and pretended to be a rabid dog. Unsexy quotient: 10, possibly 11.

Oh well, at least I find me sexy.


Anonymous said...

You sell yourself short. You could be much less sexy than the five things you listed.

Shannon said...

Thoughts - there are whole new unsexy dimensions for me to explore? Awesome.

FoggyDew said...

Well, I have seen you at the end of two different hikes. Depending on the demographic, that vision could go either way.

Shannon said...

Foggy - I'm a total dreamboat when I'm sweaty and grumpy and hungry. Bow before my post-hike hotness!

Lemmonex said...

Was someone with you or did you act rabid alone?

If he/she found it sexy, that is all that matters.

Doug said...

you should respect the men of this world more.... not all guys would find these unsexy. Lets see...

1: Oh c'mon - guys like it when a gal talks all dirty
2: A little OCD? Most men love a woman who will keep them organized.
3: You aren't cheap, you are low maintenance. That's hot.
4: The fact that you would even think about weird cyborg sounds turns on 80% of the geeks of the world.
5: There are definitely guys out there who have a toothpaste fetish. $5 says you post this on craigslist and you'd get at least 50 responses ;)

So, you see? You are right on track.. it just depends on the audience you are after

Shannon said...

Lem - Actually, I hate to have anyone watch me brush my teeth - possibly because of the rabid dog thing.

Doug - Thank you for clarifying the fact that I have a rapidly shrinking target demographic.

Justin said...

#3 - cheapskates are hot, so long as it's done right. A coworker's girlfriend has a $2000/month handbag "allowance" from her dad. Ew ew ew. I know girls who think cars are a way to get from A to B, but insist on driving a Mercedes (which is doubly stupid, since they're awful cars). Yuck.

#5 - This made me laugh, so I find that hot :) My (other) friend Shannon has had a bone to pick with men for a long time - that men are supposedly turned off by women who are funny. Personally, I like a girl who can make me laugh.

Hope your dad is okay!

Gilahi said...

You're..... challenging. Yeah, that's it. Men like a challenge.

LivitLuvit said...

I want to have Thanksgiving with your family.

Shannon said...

Justin - I think "funny women are a turnoff" is most often said by the sort of men who say, "women aren't funny." I've yet to parse that one, but it's true.

Gilahi - I'm like Chick Everest!

Liv - We don't actually celebrate Thanksgiving (Cherokee and Australian...not so much for the pilgrims).

LivitLuvit said...

That was such the perfect response.

Gilahi said...

We're having a traditional Thanksgiving this year. We're going to eat with our neighbors, then kill them and steal their land.

Shannon said...

Liv - That's just because I'm perfect. I spend Thanksgiving getting drunk.

Gilahi - Fabulous, but don't forget to at least give them some shiny beads first!

Shannon said...

Oh, and before I forget...Dad's cyborg surgery was a success. He'll be hospitalized for a few more days, then spend some time in a nursing home, then it's back to Costa Rica. Thanks to all who asked.