Thursday, October 09, 2008

Don't Be a Heel...But Do Know How to Rock Them

I’m not one to rail against bad fashion sense (though I will admit to spending my Friday nights torching Vera Bradley bags). But today, I have a PSA for the ladies. And it's not about the style, it's about knowing what to do with it.

Learn how to walk in a freakin’ pair of heels. Last night, as I wandered down Fourteenth Street with the Refugee, he took appreciative note of my fabulous four-inch Victorian streetwalker shoes. And, also, my ability to effectively perambulate in them.

Most women in this town take tiny, very deliberate steps, planting each foot down with ridiculous care. It's like watching Bambi wade across the Miljacka. Moreover, they don the nasty plastic flip-flops even to cross the street, so they just don’t get enough practice.


I had to practice walking in heels before I was allowed to wear them in public. I have an advanced degree in Heelology. And, like many of my more civilized qualities, all credit is due to Mom. She had me walk in a straight line, in heels, arms out, a book balanced on my head. (I can still do this, even after a half-dozen beers. It's my favorite party trick.)

So, ladies: If you’re going to rock the sexy heels, learn how to ROCK them. Take long, confident strides, and waggle your hips for balance (…and attention). Make sure your shoes actually fit – if you’re spilling over the sides of your slingbacks, you aren’t going to be able to walk in them. And don't stomp. You aren't a two-year-old in the throes of a sugar tantrum. Remember: long steps, and a bit of a wiggle in your walk. I swear it isn't hard.

PS: I rarely wear high heels, on the grounds that I’m 5’2” and not fooling anyone. But if I’m going to wear them, I’m going to ROCK them.
PPS: Sign of the Gentrification Apocalypse #457, I cruised Fourteenth in killer heels and no one attempted to purchase my company for the evening. Wow, this town has changed.

PPPS: I'm a little disjointed today, so excuse me. Thursdays tend to hurt.
PPPPS: At least I had a better night than this guy.
PPPPPS: Anybody else read that article and think, "I would totally pass out in a stranger's house for some free spare ribs"? Just me? Really?

31 comments:

Gilahi said...

Being something of a heel myself, I was totally misled by the title of this entry.

zipcode said...

I am banned from wearing any of my heels until I get through this round of physical therapy on my ankles. I love me some heels, this is why I can only date guys that are taller then me.

Shannon said...

Gilahi - Time wounds all heels.

Zip - Tragic! Lucky me, I'm shorter than all men. Except Prince - he's the same height as me. I should date Prince so we could wear each other's heels.

LivitLuvit said...

Saturday, pretty lady. Saturday.

Shannon said...

Liv - I'll attempt my heel trick...while downing one of my gin and tonic Jell-O shooters. For you, my dear, the Moon.

toblogor said...

Sadly, mom never taught me how to walk in heels.... ok it might have been a bit weird if she did that.... but apparently these guys mom taught them!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLBl-OzZTS0

(this is from broadway, and yes those are guys in drag tap dancing in heels. work it!)

I have thoughts said...

I don't think you'd really want to date Prince. I mean he'd keep borrowing your clothes and using all of your makeup. It'd be a mess.

How about somebody like Danny Devito? Sure he's unattractive, but he's funny.

Shannon said...

Toblogor - Watching that with the sound off was the single weirdest experience of my life.

Thoughts - Danny Devito? Sure, let me put that on my calendar...for sometime between "hell no" and "never."

I have thoughts said...

I'm sorry. He's the first short guy who came to mind. The list of similar guys is...forgive me....short.

Vern Troyer? Emmanuel Lewis?

HP said...

Heels are totally over-rated. I personally think it's much sexier to be able to walk like a normal person in flats than to hobble like a fashion victim in stilettos. I'm 5"2' and don't think it's really all that necessary to pretend otherwise. Unless boots are involved, but they're not that challenging to walk in correctly if you find a pair that fit. Let's call an end to the tyranny of the stiletto, shall we?

Ibid said...

I had an ex-gf who, when drunk, preferred to walk on her hands since her ability to walk on her feet became impaired.

Shannon, I have $71 on me right now and a proposition for you.
Could you swing by BestBuy and pick up a few things for me?

Shannon said...

Thoughts - after yesterday's Sloth-Screech threesome, I really don't trust your taste in men.

HP - But if you CAN walk in high heels, they're dead sexy. But if you're going to hobble and teeter like a Posh Spice Weeble-Wobble, then yeah, stick to flats.

Shannon said...

Ibid - Sadly, that's the least icky proposition I've gotten all week.

bh said...

Oh thank god.

As an ardent afficionado of a well dressed woman in heels (and when properly worn and walked in, they make a woman look jaw droppingly sexy), a poorly worn heel is awful. If you can't walk in 4 inch heels, no matter how good it looks, you look bad and would be better served to go with a short heel and walk well.

Jack said...

Amen! Sadly, I may need to get in contact with you. I've been threatening to go as Sarah Palin for Halloween and desperately need to get some pointers.

J

http://adventuresinvoluntarysimplicity.blogspot.com/

Lemmonex said...

Nothing ruins the hotness of a perfect heel than a woman faceplanting.

Shannon said...

BH - Agreed. Ladies, less stomp, more swagger!

Jack - I'll open a High Heel Academy. You'll need a pair of heels and a textbook to balance on your head.

Lemmonex - As a frequent faceplanter, I can tell you I'm more likely to tumble in flats.

Zipcode said...

Speaking of flats - I purchased the most adorable Coach mary janes at Macys -- love them

suicide_blond said...

damn my bucked up read...how am i JUSt now seeing this??
heels are a lifestyle... not a once a year thing...
i dont think anyone would argue if i said im more committed to my shoes than to most relationships...
xoxo

Doug said...

from a guy's perspective, it's also amusing watching a woman get her heel stuck in a grate, or in between cobblestones. The danger you women subject yourselves to just to look hot!

Ibid said...

I'll try to do better next time, Shannon.

Hot is a woman who can walk as fast as I do.

Shannon said...

Zip - Today I've got my patent leather Franco Sarto flats. Cute! (I can't do heels in a hangover.)

Blond - I seem to recall one of us having to run home because her heels weren't high enough...I don't think that was me.

Doug - Oh, man. Grates are a challenge. I give them wide berth. (Also, guys, when walking with a woman in heels...always move over so she doesn't have to walk on a grate.)

Shannon said...

Ibid - Nah, I'm trying to de-ick this joint.

lacochran's evil twin said...

You can't blame the woman in the picture if she can't walk in her heels well, she seems to suffer from a breastular imbalance.

Shannon said...

That chick? Is me. Don't I look hot as a blond?

bh said...

And to answer your question: I would, and have, done some pretty embarassing things for BBQ.

I mean, it's smoked meat right? How can you not?

FoggyDew said...

Is it me, or does it look like Vicky only has one boob in that picture? Now I know she has two but, really, you can only really define one in that snap.

Shannon said...

Bh - But what would you do for a Klondike bar? Pass out in a stranger's house when the dad knows krav maga?

Foggy - Are you SURE she has two? Have you personally, er, experienced them?

Jamie said...

As usual, a day late and a dollar short. But anyhoo, what's so weird about passing out at a stranger's house for and eating ribs? Given that every house in Damascus or whatever generic suburb in which most people live looks identical, I'm surprised it doesn't happen every day.

Of course if it was Zipcode's house you accidentally stumbled into, it would probably trigger a booby trap, and you'd either be tasered, and/or be impaled in a Vietname-style stake pit.

For the record I have had strangers passed out in my house twice in the last month. However, it's possible I invited them in.

Aileen said...

I totally agree with you on this subject!

I LOVE to wear heels, and have no trouble walking in them...in the beginning of the evening...

However, I have yet to master the "end of the evening walking with blisters and pinched feet"...Any advice on that?

Shannon said...

Jamie - Actually, I picture Zipcode's house as a Bond-style island fortress, with mutated Taser-wielding guard cats. Which would rule.

Aileen - I think the issue is that you're wearing the wrong size shoes. Blisters mean your shoes are too big, so the shoe is moving around too much against your foot (incidentally, rubbing a bit of Chapstick against your skin can reduce the chafing). Pinching means your shoes are too small. When shopping for heels, pay VERY careful attention to fit, walk around in them until the sales rep thinks you're insane, and make sure the heel is positioned square underneath the heel of your foot. If it's too far forward or back, you'll wobble.

Sore, achy feet can't really be helped, so I often carry a cute pair of ballet flats in my bag.