Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Hangin' with Mr. Creepy

I don’t follow the skeevy, the skeevy follows me. Let me explain.

Last night, I decided to take a break from petty theft, hard liquor, and my own catastrophic character flaws. I wanted to stay in and focus on clothes: conduct the Great Seasonal Wardrobe Swap (summer-to-winter, which involves a meticulous rearrangement of my closet), do some laundry, and peruse the latest issue of Lucky. Thing is, I have terrible luck with laundry.

6:45 Carry basket of clothes to basement. Note the existence of Mr. Creepy loitering by the Coke machine. Take very careful note of excessive facial hair, shabby attire, dead eyes, and the weird shuffling walk. Realize he resembles an extra from The Day After.

6:55 Dump clothes in washer, return to elevators. Note the continued presence of Mr. Creepy, who is staring at me like I’m a tasty dessert with a magical unicorn candy bar on top.

7:30 Return to basement to move everything over to the dryer. Note the continued presence of Mr. Creepy next to the Coke machine. Wonder if he’s just really, really thirsty.

8:00 Return to basement to retrieve and fold clothes. Mr. Creepy is still there. Decide to heed the heebie-jeebies and ask a neighbor in the laundry room if he’s ever seen that guy before. He’s never seen that guy around…and he has now been loitering by the Coke machine for more than an hour.

8:10 Walk up to lobby, take elevator from there. Feel like a resident of Mayberry/Tombstone/Camelot when a chivalrous neighbor offers to go “check out the situation.” Decline the offer.

8:15 Call Security. Call the everlovin’ heck outta Security.

8:30 Call Security to follow up. Find out that Mr. Creepy does, in fact, live in the building (great!). The guard explains that Mr. Creepy is “not right in the head” (even better!) and has a habit of hanging around the Coke machine (whee!), to the consternation of virtually every woman in the building.

Don’t get me wrong, I dig the mentally ill. Otherwise, I’d have no one to spend Christmas with.
But it seems to me my building could be doing a little more about a “not right” gentleman in shabby clothes, who hangs around a Coke machine in a basement for hours on end, staring at women. He's probably harmless, but I'm not going to bet my personal safety to find out. I believe in listening to my instincts, and Mr. Creepy was setting off all kinds of alarm bells.
In totally unrelated news, anybody wanna come over tonight while I wash the rest of my clothes? Especially if you're musclebound and intimidating? I’ll make you a lovely shepherd’s pie.

27 comments:

Justin said...

It was the Christmas line that got me :)

There's a woman in my building with tourettes. I've never seen her without some violent tic'ing going on, and while I don't know if they're profanity-laced, she does tend to speak under her breath quite sharply. I manage to keep it together, but I've definitely had friends over who've nearly lost it in the elevator with her and started cracking up. I feel kind of bad for her...

Of course, creepy guy is a little different.

P.S - I may not be musclebound or intimidating, but you do have my email address, and I give a mean glare...

[F]oxymoron said...

As a musclebound foxy moron, I'd roll up to your building in my trans-am, storm into the laundry room, tip over the vending machine, head to the dryers, grab some lint for my child's "volcano project", and then right before leaving I'd stop, look over my shoulder and say:

"Always, Loco - Cola"

Shannon said...

Justin - maybe we can set up Mr. Creepy and the Tourette's Lady on a date? (I am totally going to hell for suggesting that.)

Foxy - Maybe I ought to try that. How much does a Trans Am sell for these days?

zipcode said...

I love Shepherds Pie - I volunteer, I have weapons? Does that count over muscles?

Justin said...

Wait, did I miss a Hangin' with Mr. Cooper reference?

Nice

Shannon said...

Zip - depends on the sort of weapons.

Justin - You can never go wrong with a forehead-slapping pun.

[F]oxymoron said...

With Knight Rider making a comeback (why???)... who knows... if it could make a good cup of coffee instead of solving crime... priceless.

On second thought, I'm gonna have to go with zip's guns

FoggyDew said...

Zip guns? I remember seeing a display of zip guns outside the jail in one of the counties I used to cover in Tejas. Those inmates are so creative with locally acquired materials. Scarry, but creative.

Isn't the car in KR a mustang now?

HomeImprovementNinja said...

I love a good shepherds pie, but I have plans. If he messes with you, remember that street fighting is like sex. Size matters less than you think it does; what really matters is how dirty you are.

Shannon said...

Foxy - when there's a crossover episode with a revived Punky Brewster, THAT'S when the Rain of Toads begins.

Foggy - Back when I was in prison, I made a knife out of a hair dryer.

Ninja - I did actually take one of those self-defense courses in college, you know, the ones where women learn how to fight dirty? The main lesson I remember is, "Don't go for the crotch, they expect that. Poke his eyes out instead."

LivitLuvit said...

They sell pepper spray at the little variety shops in Chinatown... just saying. I've been meaning to make a trip over there myself for a while now.

Malnurtured Snay said...

I'm totally in for the shepard's pie. Alcohol as well, mayhaps?

Zipcode said...

Shan: If you want good pepper spray for your own personal safety on serious note - I will be happy to get you the good stuff that works and turns their face red at the same time discounted. I am buying a tazer this weekend. A Pink one.

Shannon said...

Liv - Let's go buy pepper spray together! And some ninja throwing stars. It'll be the best girl date of all time.

Snay - I've already started drinking for the day, actually.

Zip - I've owned pepper spray before (someday I'll tell the tale of my High School Stalker). Mostly, I worried about spraying myself in the eye.

Arjewtino said...

This line cracked me up:

"I dig the mentally ill. Otherwise, I’d have no one to spend Christmas with."

Insert Hanukkah instead of Christmas and you could totally be speaking for me.

Shannon said...

Arjewtino - We should have your family vs. the Stameys holiday Chrismukkah grudgematch.

Well, at least my Kwanzaa dancecard is full.

freckledk said...

If all else fails, crap your pants and bark like a dog. Even a crazy person in shabby clothes wouldn't hit that.

You're welcome.

Shannon said...

Frecks - I do that anyway. Hey...is that why I'm single?

Doug said...

So my question is..... did he offer to strip for you? And if so, did he draw an emoticon on the coke machine?

As aside - I believe in the prioritized compendium of fighting styles... "crazy" always beats "muscley" (i.e. irish dude from Braveheart) So, you might want to see if you can find "crazier" ;)

Doug said...

So my question is..... did he offer to strip for you? And if so, did he draw an emoticon on the coke machine?

As aside - I believe in the prioritized compendium of fighting styles... "crazy" always beats "muscley" (i.e. irish dude from Braveheart) So, you might want to see if you can find "crazier" ;)

Shannon said...

Doug - I think he was too busy boring into my skull with his eyeballs to even CONTEMPLATE offering to strip for me.

lacochran said...

Does Gary Busey live in your building?

"tasty dessert with a magical unicorn candy bar on top" would totally sell. I'd buy it. Mmm, unicorn.

Jack said...

creeeeeepppy. He reminds me of one of my best friends. Ok, my only friend. Ok, I mean he reminds me of me.

J

http://adventuresinvoluntarysimplicity.blogspot.com/

Shannon said...

Lacochran - Unicorn is way expensive though...like saffron dipped in plutonium expensive.

Jack - Welcome! And, uh, that was you?

Shannon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
zandria said...

WHAT???!!! He lives in the building so it's automatically okay for him to loiter around the Coke machine and worry women walking by? That's nuts...

Shannon said...

Zandria - Oh, don't I know it. At least the security guard doesn't mind going to chase him off.