Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Oh, the Skeevy Men I Have Known

Men rock. Most of my friends are guys. Sometimes I secretly think that I might be a guy. Nothing makes me happier than an evening of beer, pizza and Playstation. I find it completely adorable when a guy waves at a little kid, picks me up when he hugs me hello, or offers to parallel park my rental car for me. Men don't care where I shop, what size I wear, or whether I order a Yuengling at the fancy martini bar.

But there are the skeevy, creepy, annoying guys, too. And they deserve their moment in the sun. So, here's a salute to the Skeevy Guys I Have Known:

1. Creepy MySpace Guy: If you're a reasonably attractive woman with a MySpace page, you're total weirdo bait. Every few days, I get a Friend Request from some guy I've never heard of, usually with a name like I Drive a Mercedes or Ca-Sino Sexy. I can never resist a creep, so I hop over to the profile. Usually it's a man wearing excessive and sparkly jewelry, and most of his "friends" are scantily clad women sprawled across various sorts of red cars. So, no, Creepy MySpace Guy, I do not want to be added to your gallery of trophies. A thousand times yuck.

2. No Baggage Guy: This is the guy who claims he is seeking a woman with "no baggage." Newsflash: any woman over the age of 25 is going to have an emotional history. And if she's smart, she'll wear her baggage with pride. If she's really smart, she'll have learned from those experiences and be a better person for them. A woman with no baggage is so ridiculously sheltered that she'll bore you out of your wits. Learn to deal or buy a Real Doll.

3. Monologue Man: I salute you, Monologue Man. I am astounded at your ability to conduct our date as if I am not even there. I cheer your ability to tell me exactly how I should lead my life, what sort of food I should like, and what my political views should be...even though I have not spoken a word in the last 20 minutes. I am amazed by the level of information that you can extract from my bored silence. I am impressed that you do not see every stranger in the room regarding me with wonder and pity. Most of all, however, I wonder if I ought to chew off my own leg in order to escape.

4. Baby, You Can Drive My Car Guy: Wow! So, you totally drive a BMW. I appreciate you telling me that within 30 seconds of meeting me. My clothes are mysteriously falling off of me, and I must go see your totally awesome ride. A hot car is a perfectly valid substitute for intelligence, integrity, and a sense of humor.

5. Husband-to-Be Guy: This is the guy who wants to get married, right. this. second. He's got the decent job, the Toyota Camry with only two payments left, and the condo in Arlington. The only hitch? He doesn't have a girlfriend. So, it's time to go shopping for a wife. I mean, all women are interchangeable, and letting life unfold in even a remotely natural way is boring. So why not reduce a fellow human being to an item on your personal to-do list? I'm all for knowing what you want, but I can tell when a guy is a-shoppin' for a ball-and-chain. And it's creepy.

6. Satellite Man: When I was 20, this was the guy who would orbit my ass at dance clubs. I'd be all innocently dancing with my friends, and some guy with a beer on his hand would latch on from behind and attempt to cut me off from the herd. As I got older, the Ass Orbiter never seemed to truly go away. Now he's the guy who does laps of me at bars and parties, but never actually speaks to me until I'm ready to go home. Satellite Man, next time, just talk to me. You aren't being mysterious, you're being ooky. I'm approachable. I'm nice. And if I'm not interested, I'll find a way to tell you without crushing your sense of self.


Fedhill said...

well done

Michael J. West said...

My favorite part is that "skeeviness" is a category. Can't wait for the next exciting episode of Skeeviness!

Shannon said...

Ack! I just realized how many flavors of skeevy men I inadvertently left out. They deserve their 15 minutes. I smell a sequel.

Matt C. said...

I can not wait for the sequel... this was one of the more hilarious blog postings I have read this year.

Hopefully, I won't end up in the update!

Anonymous said...

You might be interested to know that "Ass Orbiting" is also known as "Dar China" in some countries south of the border

erin said...

have you ever seen this?


007 in Africa said...

Dear Shannon, my BMW-driving, monologuing dad thinks you rock (I read him this before dinner).