Thursday, October 23, 2008

I Served With Bob Dole. Bob Dole is Funny. Ma'am, You're No Bob Dole.

The well-said smackdown is a centerpiece of politics. Putdowns are what keep us from dying of boredom while the politicians metaphorically measure their boy-parts, the consultants spin hot air into gold, and journalists beg for relevance. The beautiful insult is why I’ll never complain about “negative campaigning” (y’all, it exists because it works).

Think about it. What, aside from “potatoe,” do you remember most about Dan Quayle? Most likely, you remember him getting his ass handed over by Lloyd Bentsen: “Senator, I served with Jack Kennedy, I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy.”
I’ve always enjoyed the LBJ classic about Gerald Ford, “He’s a nice guy, but he played too much football with his helmet off.” Even Robert Dole has passed out a good slap: “History buffs probably noted the reunion at a Washington party a few weeks ago of three ex-presidents: Carter, Ford, and Nixon — See No Evil, Hear No Evil, and Evil.”
For the girls' team, we have Margot Asquith on Winston Churchill, "He would kill his own mother just so that he could use her skin to make a drum to beat his own praises."

Now try and guess the provenance of this kinky bit of political pillow talk: “. . . a pig, an ass, a dunghill, the spawn of an adder, a basilisk, a lying buffoon, a mad fool with a frothy mouth.”

...Give up? It’s Martin Luther, apoplectic with hate for Henry VIII.

This campaign season has been pretty low on zingers, instead, it's focusing on the hate-rant. Today I encountered a new favorite. This press release, full of fluff and nonsense, tangled in high-octane saliva and marinating in the contents of an impacted colon, refers to George Soros as a, "bigoted pro-abortion mogul." I don't know what that means, and I'm not even clear on the identity of Mr. Soros, but it's awesome nonetheless.

Which brings us to the important part: Is it too late to be a Bigoted Pro-Abortion Mogul for Halloween? And what would I wear?


Ibid said...

Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put arsenic in your morning coffee.
Churchill: Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.

Earl of Sandwich: "You will die, sir, either on the gallows or from the pox,"
John Wilkes: "That depends, sir, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

From England
Labor's Denis Healey said the experience of being attacked by the mild-mannered cabinet minister Geoffrey Howe was "like being savaged by a dead sheep.

Lemmonex said...

Dress in green, cover yourself in dollar signs, and carry a wire hanger. Spew off some racial epitaphs.

zipcode said...

Gah Dan Quayle is the biggest douchebag I have ever met.
Newt Gingrich the coolest politician

Shannon said...

Ibid - "being savaged by a dead sheep" is also what it's like to be hit on in Georgetown. Zing!

Lemmonex - If I wear green, people just think I'm dressed as the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

Zip - I never met either, but Al Gore stepped on my foot once.

Shannon said...

Also, Lem, "racial epitaphs"...your Freudian typos are as cute as ever.

Lemmonex said...

Wow, that one was particularly awesome. If people only SAW the doozies over email.

lacochran said...

Wouldn't it be easier to be a pitbull with lipstick?

FoggyDew said...

One of my all-time favs: When LBJ ran for Congress, legend says, he wanted to spread the rumor his opponent was a pig-fucker. Johnson's campaign manager said, "Lyndon, you know he doesn't do that!" Johnson replied, "I know. I just want to make him deny it."

LBJ knew how to campaign.

Ibid said...

Not an insult, but when Abe Lincoln was questioned about General Grant's drinking problem he said "I wish some of you would tell me the brand of whiskey that Grant drinks. I would like to send a barrel of it to my other generals."

Shannon said...

Lem - We need to specify in our wills that if we both die at the same time (tragic sausage accident?), our emails will be published to the world. They can be our legacy.

Lacochran - I wonder if that will be a popular costume this year.

Foggy - YOU'RE the pigfucker!

Ibid - Mmm, whiskey.

FoggyDew said...

"I did not have sexual relations with that pig..."

Gilahi said...

Norman Mailer, holding the door for Andy Warhol -
NM: "Age before beauty."
AW (walking through the door): "Pearls before swine."

LBJ's doctor supposedly reprimanded him for continuing to drink when he had been warned that it was affecting his hearing. He said, "I thought about that and I decided that I liked what I was drinking better than what I was hearing."

And from the master, Oscar Wilde:
"She is a peacock in everything but beauty."

"My husband is a sort of promissory note; I'm tired of meeting him." -- A Woman of No Importance

"She is without one good quality, she lacks the finest spark of decency, and is quite the wickedest woman in London. I haven't a word to say in her favour... and she is one of my greatest friends."

"He would stab his best friend for the sake of writing an epigram on his tombstone."

There are a lot more, but this is supposed to be your blog, not mine.

Tina said...

I recognize Ibid's quotes. Here's a few more:

I think it would be a good idea.
-- Mahatma Gandhi, when asked what he thought of Western civilization

There is no expedient to which a man will not go to avoid the labor of thinking.
-- Thomas A. Edison
Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
n Mark Twain

Ok, my list of favorite insulting quotes is so long I think I'll just post it. I collect them!

Shannon said...

Foggy - Though, if the pig was wearing lipstick, it would be a whole other story...

Gilahi - How would booze affect hearing, anyhow?

Tina - Ah, Twain, King of the Zinger.

Gilahi said...

I'm sorry, what did you say?

suicide_blond said...

wait..could you DEFINE pig fucker??

Shannon said...

Gilahi - Put DOWN the least long enough for me to swipe it from you.

Blond - It depends on the meaning of the word, "is."

Ibid said...

I forget who said it, but it was said that Nixon was so crooked he had to screw his pants on in the morning.

The setting is described differently by different people but Bob Dole is credited with describing a meeting of Ford, Carter, and Nixon as "Hear No Evil, See No Evil and Evil"

bh said...

Bob Dole on Strom Thurmond:

"when he dies, they'll have to beat his pecker down with a stick to get the coffin lid down"

"Damnit, it's like a bunch of drunk monkey's on fire down there."

-Me, after the House of Representatives had screwed up something or another during a budget vote.

Shannon said...

Ibid - And here I thought putting our pants on one leg at a time was what brought us all together.

BH - Was Dole implying that Strom is a human tripod? If so, ew.

bh said...

I saw Thurmond a couple of times. HUGE feet. Not Joking.

Shannon said...

BH - OK, now I'm traumatized. Tell me more!