Thursday, September 18, 2008

I Might Be Wearing a Barrel Right Now

I have no clothes.

And I don’t mean in that vain, ridiculous, staring at a full closet and yelling, “I have nothing to wear!” sense. I mean, I have no clothes. I am down to my last dress. And I own virtually every dress that has ever been made.

There’s an explanation. I live on the fifth floor. The laundry room is in the basement. My building’s elevators have been out of order for the last few weeks. And I’m weak and lazy and don’t want to carry a heavy basket of laundry up and down six flights. I might as well take my clothes down to the river and beat them with rocks.

The last time I washed clothes, FreckledK was a blonde, AIG was a solid and respectable company, and Bangkok Dangerous improbably ruled the box office.

Things are getting desperate. I may have to retrieve my wedding gown from its Shelf of Shame and wear it to work tomorrow. I may have to buy underwear on my way home tonight. I may have to recycle my grocery bags into a trendy plastic outfit. I may have to pack nothing but pajamas for my trip this weekend. I may have to suck it up and carry my laundry up and down six flights of stairs.

Heaven help me.

In the comments, tell me the longest you’ve ever gone without doing laundry, and why.

31 comments:

Ibid said...

AIG was a solid and respectable company
Heck, that was breakfast this morning.

Oh, I'd have to guess that it was during a summer off from college. Not the whole summer. But a couple of weeks. I would have been working on the farm and only wearing clothes that were ruined already. So what if they're dirty? I'm just going back out on the tractor tomorrow.

FoggyDew said...

50 days. Of course, I was in a combat zone at the time and everyone else was just as dirty. Interestingly, it was the same interval between showers as well. Good thing the war was over in a hurry.

maryjanejeff said...

No clue what the longest is ever, but I returned from Colorado 12 days ago and have not done laundry since then. I did do some when I was out there because I needed to pack as lightly as I could, so we'll say two weeks. No particular reason, just no time.

I'm not a total control freak, but when I have running clothes, gym clothes, and work clothes all in the mix, and there are no washing machines available in the laundry room at certain times (safter 3 pm on Sunday), so yeah I have to set aside 3 hours or so in advance for this task. Sad but true that's how I'm spending my Sunday morning.

maryjanejeff said...

That was the best way I could say I have lots of laundry to do and need all the time I can get to get it done.

Question: does anyone know of any charitable places that are collecting stuff for the people in Galveston? Because I have lots to get rid of and would like it to go to people who need it.

Shannon said...

Ibid, Foggy - I'm noticing a theme here: why wash anything what will just get dirty later? So, uh, do either of you EVER make your beds?

MJJ - I spend my Sunday mornings guzzling Gatorade and praying for the sweet release of death.

Shannon said...

MJJ - I imagine donations of clothes and toiletries are a royal pain for charities to process - cash is probably best. I kicked some cash to the Red Cross the other day and hope others do the same.

Ibid said...

When the clothes already have paint, grease, and holes and you'd never ever, ever go out in public like that anyway there's no good reason since they won't get clean and they'll just get dirty again tomorrow.

No, I don't make my bed. I sleep on top of the covers so it doesn't get messy. Same reason I eat straight from the pot or skillet. It's just me so why make the dishes dirty? Of course, the plate do need dusting from time to time.

Shannon said...

Ibid - Sometimes I eat tacos while standing over the sink.

FoggyDew said...

When there's an off chance someone else might see it...

Lemmonex said...

I have enough underwear to last me 5 weeks...I have counted.

So, 5 weeks, 3 days (bathing suit bottoms) and then usually I can go a few days commando without getting annoyed. Uhh...6 weeks, then?

LivitLuvit said...

I literally have bought underwear before just so I wouldn't have to do laundry. I now have about 50 pairs. The sad thing is, every now and then, I still get down to the skanky-ass granny panties that would instantly repel any man, even if I was holding a cold beer in one hand and a rasher of bacon in the other.

Shannon said...

Foggy - Fair enough.

Lemmonex - There was never a truer argument against the maillot - bikini bottoms can serve as underwear in a pinch.

Shannon said...

Liv - Let's just put it this way: I could be holding bacon, beer, AND be a dead ringer for Megan Fox, and I'd still be Man Kryptonite.

Ibid said...

There are other placed to eat tacos? Whenever I eat at a mexican restaurant I just ask for a chair near the sink.

Ibid said...

You're just too picky, Shannon. You won't date prisoners, you won't date 14 year old boys, you won't date guys who ask you for spare change first, you insist the guy only have the two arms... You're just too picky.

livit - The problem isn't the granny panties. It's all that other stuff you're wearing. Lose that and try again.

maryjanejeff said...

"I spend my Sunday mornings guzzling Gatorade and praying for the sweet release of death."

Oh, I've done that plenty of times, and occasional fall Mondays. But the lack of spare time forces me to spend this particular Sunday morning doing laundry. I get your point about sending a check being easier. I will still drop off tons of clothes at the bin near my gym since someone will need them somewhere.

Shannon said...

Ibid - Then we'll ignore the torrid online affair I'm having with a man on Death Row. Sheesh. Kill a dozen people, and suddenly everyone's a critic.

MJJ - Good plan!

FoggyDew said...

I'm just curious, what happens if it comes down to a day with no drawers and the only thing left in the closet is a skirt (preferably plaid)?

Do you still go smokeless?

[F]oxymoron said...

Like Foggy, right around 50 days. When I paid for the imperial domination travel tour (a Gap Year thing, of sorts) I didn't realize I'd miss the tide for so long.

Oh, and you don't wash newly purchased clothing? U so crazy!

Shannon said...

Foggy - I just buy more underwear.

Foxy - I am a zany, deeply flawed, and er, quite possibly slightly grody person. I blame it on having male roommates in college.

Zipcode said...

During 9/11/01 - I only had 3 sets of BDU's and was working almost 18 hour days with no days off. I had to rotate those outfits - thank goodness for body spray from Victorias Secret otherwise ewww - this was for 3 weeks. I had plenty of pantyloons though.

bh said...

I have two small children and I forgot to do laundry the week they were with their mother. Monday the next week rolls around. I start dressing them for camp and realize I have no clothes for them other than shorts and too small t-shirts. I sent my kids to camp sans underwear and socks.

The funny thing is, now my four year old likes to go commando. I'm surprised some frat hasn't already pledged him.

Shannon said...

Zip - What's a BDU?

BH - That's hilarious. You couldn't run out and get them each a packet of Jockeys from the Wal-Mart? And "Four-Year Old COmmando" would make a great rock band album title.

[F]oxymoron said...

Hey Zipcode... if you could combine the Victoria's Secret Body spray with baby wipes... you'd make bank! And throw in a male equivalent for good measure.

[F]oxymoron said...

Oh, and a BDU (DCU/ACU) is something you wear if you think riding a four wheeler is the perfect date and/or you play with military grade weaponry.

Shannon said...

Foxy - You know, Febreze would actually work better than Vicky Spray. PLEASE DO NOT ASK HOW I KNOW THIS.

Zipcode said...

foxy - I think we should go into business....

BDU - Battle Dress Uniform
http://www.galls.com/style.html?assort=general_catalog&style=TR299&cat=3193
http://www.galls.com/style.html?assort=general_catalog&style=SH1074&cat=3193

bh said...

One thing I've done, back in college, realizing I have no clean underwear, is turn the least offensive pair of already worn boxers inside out.

Shannon said...

Zip - Only if you two have me be your celebrity spokesperson!

BH - Oh, man. That's classic. By the way, I bought underpants on my way home last night. And socks, too.

freckledk said...

I hate laundry. Hate hate hate. I don't have a washer/dryer in my apartment, so that probably has a lot to do with it. When I vacation at the beach, I always get a house with the W/D combo, and do a load of laundry every single day.

There's a fluff and fold out in the burbs that I'm going to try out.

maryjanejeff said...

I get to do my laundry tonight instead, yeah I have a life. Well I have an excuse, I'm running a race early in the morning, and a training run of up to, but not likely, 10 miles beforehand. So I'd be in bed early anyway. Might as well use the washing machines when there will be more than 2 available. Planning is required when you live in my building. I don't think I'll break my record of 7 washing machines used at once though. The whole building would have hated me if I wasn't the only one in there.