Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Disowned Doucheboys Say the Darndest Things


If something is truly terrible, I will stick around in hopes that it gets even worse. This has left me with some good stories and a wholly undeserved reputation as a traveling freakshow. Really, my life is very dull. Except when I go on dates.

Back when I was still acquainted with my natural hair color, I met up with a boy for a drink. The bar was the sort where you catch tropical diseases from the furniture and stumble upon preppies groping in the water closet. But there was beer, a jukebox, and a cute boy, so I was very happy. Until, that is, he started talking.

His sexy opener was about his entire family disowning him. After an hour, I could sort of see their point. Then he talked about rediscovering Judaism. I have no idea how he lost it, world religions are much easier than housekeys to keep track of. Then he asked me about my religion (vaguely Methodist, but mostly Catholic by Association). Then, finally, the zinger:

“You’re attractive and all, but you’d be cuter if you were Jewish. Your looks make no sense otherwise.”

What? Six years later, I still don't know what that means. The closest I ever got to being Jewish was playing Laurie in a community theater production of Brighton Beach Memoirs. I felt terrible for disappointing him.

In fact, I felt so terrible that I excused myself to go to the ladies’ room, but instead sidled up to the bar.

“Sir, I think this should cover my portion of the check. And if the gentleman in the booth asks, I’m still in the restroom.”

The bartender, who I am sure had witnessed his share of bad dates, said, “Oh, honey, I don’t blame you.”

I ducked out of the bar, ran the four blocks to the Metro, and never looked back.

35 comments:

FoggyDew said...

Wow! I wonder if he's still sitting there waiting for you to come back from the ladies. With someone that dim you never know.

Also, good usage of the term "water closet." An oldie, but goodie.

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Zipcode said...

Interesting - you could have borrowed my last name - I am not jewish as all, but I might as well be - since I am 100 percent pure german - my last name is a city over there and when I first got to college - Hillel called me all the time. I advised them - sorry I love you all but I am Baptist. People still ask me to this day why I wasn't at temple or off work on the major holidays - dude its a last name.

but yeah that line that guy gave you is strange.

Shannon said...

FoggyDew, I bet he's still there, with a rotating stable of women who listen to his little sob story.

Zip, people are far too busy mispronouncing my last name to guess its provenance.

Zipcode said...

lol can I have your last name then -- or people speak German to me -- its a never cycle for me.

Gilahi said...

"Your looks make no sense otherwise."

Wow, if I was still on the dating scene, that's certainly a line I'd use on a girl in a bar. It's a winner for sure. It's amazing no one ever came up with that one before.

Yeesh. Whatanidiot.

Shannon said...

Zip - you'll have to marry me first.

Gilahi - Well, I still think about that guy, so in some ways that line was an enormous success. Just not in any way that would get me to take off my pants.

Lance said...

there are definitely men, i can't speak to percentages, who seem to always be conducting a personal experiment of sorts. it's as if they want to see how ridiculous/inane/offensive they can be, and still manage to get you to take your pants off.

congrats on resisting; many don't.

Shannon said...

Lance - I don't suffer tools gladly. I think this happened well before all that Pickup Artist "negging" idiocy, but I'm not sure.

HP said...

you don't even look remotely jewish.

Lance said...

no, it's not any sort of game stuff. it's more of a passive-aggressive ego trip.

if it works, then he gets off on bedding you despite acting like a complete tool; and if it doesn't, he gets to dismiss it as if it's not really rejection because he was never really trying.

Lemmonex said...

I am with HP, you really don't "look" Jewish.

In college, I hung around with two black girls, a Dominican girl and a Iranian girl a lot during freshman year. Whenever we would go out to clubs, people would insists I HAD to be Latina. Because why? We had to make up a perfect multi-cultural herd? A brunette does not a Latina make...

Shannon said...

HP - No kidding. Most often, I get asked if I'm Portuguese.

Lance - Oooh, a win-win of tooliness!

Shannon said...

Lemmonex - Ha! Like a Rainbow Charlie's Angels.

freckledk said...

Agreed - you don't look the least bit Jewish.

People often think me Mongolian, or is that mongoloid-ian? I forget which.

Ibid said...

I've been called Irish and British a few times due to my constantly shifting accent. I think that the closest anyone got was when I was named the Otter King.

Jo said...

Wow! What a tool. You weren't kidding when you said weird sh*t happens to you all the time huhn?

I'm Brazilian/Uruguayan and people always think I'm Russian/eastern European. I don't really get it.

Shannon said...

Frecks - they meant to say, "modelesque."

Ibid - If it makes you feel any better, people ask me if I'm Texan.

Jo - oh, honey, you have NO idea. At least the tool never sent me a photo of himself in manties, though.

restaurantrefugee said...

This makes me think we ought have some sort of worst date contest some random day. Be on the look out for rules and prizes.

LivitLuvit said...

Oooooo I'm with RR on the worst date blog post day! A friend I know actually went on a first date with a girl, and while they were eating, her TOOTH went flying out of her mouth and laid on the middle of the table, mocking them. BEAT THAT.

brandonsavage said...

This tool I work with thinks it would be fun to go out to bars and say the most ridiculous shit to women and see what their reaction is. I wouldn't be surprised if this was his work. He wasn't 20 and ugly, was he?

Shannon said...

Refugee - if I could get a prize for that date, the hour and a half of hell would be totally worthwhile.

LivLuv - I think a wayward tooth would have only improved the evening.

Brandon - No, he was about my age and pretty cute. But I don't really get the entertainment value of being a jerk, anyhow.

brandonsavage said...

I think he does it to help break the ice hoping that she'll not realize he's an asshole.

I, personally, don't think women are that stupid.

lacochran said...

Your blog looks a little Jewish.

In a good way.

Except for the Spam, of course.

Shannon said...

Brandon, most of us are smarter than that. Unfortunately, a few bad apples spoil the bar.

Lacochran - my blog would be cuter if it was Presbyterian. And Spam isn't kosher?

KassyK said...

As possibly the first Jewish commenter...that is SO weird and that guy sounds like a world class ahole.

But I have to say to a lot of the commenters--most Jewish people I know don't actually look stereotypically Jewish.

My family is all naturally blonde, light eyed, tall, lanky and small nosed. No one ever thinks we are Jewish.


In fact, we usually get told we look Scandanavian or Eastern Euro which we are (I am a faux brunette).

People often guess my Eastern Euro background but never my Middle Eastern background and so...

I love telling them I am a Jewish Israeli. They get so confused.

In fact, most of my Jewish friends look less "Jewish" than my non-Jewish friends.

KassyK said...

PS--I always desired to look more "Jewish" stereotypically, you know darker skinned, darker haired, mini...and now I do and still no one guesses it.

:(

Shannon said...

Kassy - Hi! I went back and forth about posting this (clearly, as this happened five years ago). I was worried about stereotyping of appearances.

I don't think most people look stereotypically anything - Jewish, Eastern European, Brazilian, whatever. I'm Welsh, German, and Cherokee, and get told I look Portuguese. Who knows?

I think what I was trying to get at was this guy was so remarkably self-absorbed that he droned on for an hour about intensely personal subjects, then stereotyped me based on my appearance (a HUGE peeve of mine - I don't really look like my personality).

zandria said...

Oh...WOW. I just recently signed up for an online dating site. Even though I know I've opened myself up to potential bad dates, I'm really not looking forward to having stories like this to tell. I'm hoping I'll get lucky and find someone "normal" to hang out with relatively quickly...but of course, you just never know. :)

Shannon said...

Zandria - I sort of enjoy the freakshow aspect of dating, but I guess not everyone does. Really, if you come out of a situation with a good story, your time wasn't wasted.

KassyK said...

No, you didn't come off offensive in any way. At all. :)

That guy sounds awful...he actually is the most offensive, I think.

J.C. said...

Now, that's a guy that deserved to be walked out on. Eesh.

Shannon said...

Kassy - Indeed, this guy took offensiveness to a whole new level.

JC - Eesh. But, on the plus side, it makes for a pretty good story.

Anonymous said...

I really like when people are expressing their opinion and thought. So I like the way you are writing