Monday, September 15, 2008

The Multiple-Choice Path to Everlasting Love

Dating sites such as OKCupid! and EHarmony (motto: "We Hate the Gays") ask their patrons to fill out a numbing series of questions. These moral conundrums march before users like a Rockettes line of lame, such as, "Do you believe in preemptive war, and, moreover, if you found a $20 bill in the street, would you keep it? Or would you give it to the legless mute homeless guy? You'd keep it? Wow!"

Then the program matches you up with prospective suitors. My last OKCupid! match batch included two of my friends, plus a man interested in building a polyamorous love-nest in Waldorf. So, clearly, scientific matching works! Except when it doesn't. Which is most of the time.

Over the weekend, I noticed that OKCupid! also allows users to submit their own questions. In the interest of finding my perfectly perfect soulmate, I tried to write a few myself:

1. Do you like stuff?
a. Yes
b. No
c. Maybe
d. Whuh?

2. Do you take responsibility for your actions?
a. Yes
b. No
c. The bitch set me up!
d. I know what “the bitch set me up” is about, and yes, the bitch did in fact set me up

3. Have you ever done a line of cocaine off a prostitute’s thigh?
a. Yes
b. No
c. A DEAD prostitute’s thigh, no less. Sucka!
d. The hell?

4. You have a baby in front of you. How would you go about decorating it?
a. Star stickers
b. Glitter
c. House paint
d. All of the above

5. Two trains leave a station somewhere. One is traveling 75 miles per hour, the other is traveling at 64 miles per hour. Stuff happens. What sort of stuff?
a. The trains collide outside of Minneapolis at 3:53 pm in the afternoon
b. The trains pull into Chicago at the exact same time
c. “3:53 PM in the afternoon?” Redundancy much? Weren’t you a journalism major?
d. I LIKE TACOS. AND COOKIES. AND COOKIES MADE OUT OF TACOS.

As of yet, none of my questions have made it into general circulation. But if I meet a man who answers them all correctly, I will have to marry him that instant, have a dozen of his babies, and name all of the babies, "Awesome Radical."

Hrm. And my mother wonders why I'm single.

14 comments:

Lemmonex said...

Cookie tacos! You are a mad genius woman.

I am imagining some sort of soft chocolate cookie (like an Italian lace cookie that is bendy), mocha frosting on the inside and chocolate jimmies.

Ibid said...

6. Maybe
a. True
b. False

Shannon said...

Lem - But what about a taco cookie? Like, a cookie out of tacos? Mmmm, tacos.

Ibid - c. GLITTER

Shannon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
LivitLuvit said...

7. Both of our parents want us to visit them for the holidays. We:

a) visit my family

b) visit your family

c) fuck that noise, we order in chinese and watch Mel Brooks movies while you paint my toenails

d) holidays are for pussies

e) no, you don't look fat in that dress

Shannon said...

Liv - C! Especially if there's wine with the Chinese. Disturbingly enough, so far you're my soulmate.

Ibid said...

8. Ignore this question
a) Green
b) South
c) 1244 AD
d) Mark Twain
e) All of the below

LivitLuvit said...

Should've brought my flask and nail polish to lunch!

Shannon said...

Ibid - The Magna Carta!

Liv - Nail polish plus booze plus Chinese buffet - heaven!

BatesHorn said...

you worked polyamourous love nest and Waldorf in to the same sentance.

Rock Star. Seriously.

I'm thinking about jumping back into the internet data pool just to kill time at work with these surveys and see the the people they match me with (who subsequently make me want to go running out of the bar before I can get down my first gimlet).

Shannon said...

BH - Aw, you flatter me. Wanna start a Waldorf Salad of Polyamorous Love?

Ryane said...

All I can say is, run away from any sort of love next in Waldorf. And run F-A-S-T.

freckledk said...

The answer is always D! Always!

Shannon said...

Ryane - I could probably deal with the polyamority, but not the exurbia.

FreckledK - except that I'd really like to meet a guy who's done coke off a dead hooker.