Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Go Ahead and Hate Me, But...

I have many qualities that could be considered downright un-American. I mean, aside from only being half American and all. I don’t drive a big car. Big houses with big lawns strike me as a whole lot of pointless backbreaking work. I can’t remember the last time I watched a SuperBowl, ate apple pie or called my mom.

But the least American thing about me is this: I don’t care for dogs. I don’t get what’s so great about them. I hate itchy, hot fur, slobber, the clack-clack of paws on linoleum, and being jumped on. Barking is the most piercing sound known to man (except possibly the two neighbor kids who slurp and gasp their way through their boxes of milk every morning on the elevator with me).

I’m completely skeeved by the people who buy expensive toys, gourmet food, and outfits for their dogs. Doggy spas appall me. I wonder if these people might be better off just adopting a Romanian baby. And there is a special category of hell for those who convert their dogs to a vegetarian diet.

I suppose there are exceptions. Mellow dogs, I can handle. Well-disciplined dogs, great. Ones that don’t bark are even better. Stuffed ones are the best option of all. I guess it’s like kids: I like the kids I know, and am generally annoyed by the ones I don’t. So if I know you, I'm probably cool with your dog.
I just compared dogs to children, which is another peeve of mine: dogs aren't kids. No matter how much you love them, they're still pets. Last week, I overheard a pet owner say, "I should be able to bring my dog into a store, after all, people can bring their kids!" I wonder how big a trampoline their brain needed to make THAT leap of logic.

But it all comes back to one of my laws of life: If I had wanted to be jumped and slobbered on, I would have dated more in high school.

Wow, that felt really good. It was cleansing and lovely. Anyone else want to make a confession? In the comments, tell me something you can't stand that everyone around you seems to adore.

57 comments:

Lemmonex said...

Why do people bring dogs to parties? The mall? It is bad enough I have to tolerate kids, but at least they have emotions and can ocassionally make me laugh. I hate people who force me to cook over their god damn dogs.

I really don't understand capri pants. They make everyone look fat and frumpy. Also, hate Cake Love.

Shannon said...

Lemmonex - the last time you saw me, I was wearing capris. I did that just to antagonize you. And I'm totally with you on CakeLove.

suicide_blond said...

dont judge...BUT...since we are confessing...
i dont really like "classic rock"...
im tired of it..
the rolling stones... they creep me out...
youre right! that does feel good!
xoxo

Ibid said...

Dogs aren't children. Dogs can be trained.
I'd take a bark against a crying baby any day.

It all depends on the dog.
My brother's dachshund, Deeohgee, was an evil genius that tricked huge neighborhood dogs into running into a screen door at full speed. He loved to curl up in my lap and never barked at threatening pebbles.
Pepper learned to stand on his hind legs and back up when you're wearing nice clothes so you wouldn't get paw prints on them. But as a pup he tried to pick fights with the sun tea.

It's all about getting the right one.

And I hate reality shows with the white hot passion of a thousand suns.
I hate NASCAR and country music, too, so I left Kansas for DC.

Michael said...

Wait. Are you saying that high school boys jump on girls and slobber all over them? Not me, missy! I was cool at 16, believe me. (I was so cool that I didn't even date; that would have been starting at 34.)

And if you don't like our dogs and our Super Bowls and our apple pie and our toxic waste sites and our beloved fraternity boy president and our highly sophisticated culture, you can just go back where you came from.

Shannon said...

Blond - doesn't it feel GREAT? Like, screw classic rock. If it was so great, music wouldn't have changed at all since then.

Ibid - crying babies don't bother me. Motormouth kids with no verbal skills? Ugh.

Michael - I would, but my parents put me in a giant crystal basketball-looking thing and shot me here from Krypton.

LivitLuvit said...

See? Milk IS evil.

And I know we've all discoursed about this, but I HATE Crocs. I LOATHE them. They fill me with a burning white rage so powerful, people wearing them jump back like I've given them an electric shock. I hate them upside down and sideways. I hate them cute and colorful and Mary Jane-y and NOW HIGH HEEL-Y dear god my retinas... if you are not a chef, gardening, or under the age of 10... TAKE OFF THE FUCKING RUBBER SLIPPERS AND GROW THE EFF UP.

Gilahi said...

I bet you're a cat person, aren't you? Ew.

zipcode said...

I really can't stand it when guys pull their pants down and wear them all gangsta style ala Lil Wayne.

I am an animal lover, but I think its rude when people think its ok to bring their pet with them on vacation and expect to stay at your house with said pet.

Shannon said...

LivLuv - Lots of people hate Crocs. It would be far more daring to hate Chucks. We'd have to fight, then.

Gilahi - I am, but don't have any. And I'm deeply suspicious of single men with cats.

Cat-related comment from Jamie in 3...2...1...

Shannon said...

Zip - Yeah, when did boarding pets go out of fashion? We never took pets on vacation growing up! People, your Yorkie doesn't have to go everywhere that you go.

Hammer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Hammer said...

Errr... wait

What?!?!

Suicide Blond doesn't like classic rock?

Poem embargo effective immediately.

p.s. (And Shannon, you're, like, totally on notice for not liking dogs.)

Shannon said...

Hammer - Is that Classic Rock? TURN IT UP!!!

LivitLuvit said...

I heart Chucks, though. I can't pull them off, but generally love people who can.

I also hate Subway, people whose mouths hang open when they're sedentary, and sauerkraut. Is any of that more scandalous?

Jul said...

Me too! Me too! I was so excited when I found out I was allergic to dogs, and finally had a socially acceptable excuse for wincing and recoiling when one slobbered on my hand.

Hammer said...

In the immortal words of Mel Gibson in Braveheart:

And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin' to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they'll never take... OUR FREEDOM ROCK!

Shannon said...

LivLuv - Oh, anyone can pull off Chucks. There's nothing cuter than a miniskirt and Chucks.

Jul - I'm jealous. I'm slightly allergic to cats, which is funny considering I don't like cats.

Hammer - Way to turn it up, dude!

charlotteharris said...

Tchotchkes. Stuffed animals. Curios. Souvenirs. Doo-dads. Collectibles. Basically any piece of crap on a shelf. I feel like everyone but me luuvs to decorate this way.

Marissa said...

I hate DC.

Oh damn. That's too easy.

OK, let me try again.

I hate terrorism.

I'm really good at this.

Shannon said...

Charlotte - My collection of Precious Moments figurines came to life and are weeping. Thanks for that.

Marissa - I bet you hate cancer, too.

Titania said...

I love dogs. I hate shopping malls, especially on weekends. I have the almost unstoppable feeling of wanting to vandalize Hummers as well.

Titania said...

Ah! I hate aerial gunning of wolves as well.

zipcode said...

I just purchased new chucks that match my Dallas Cowboys Jersey - next up someone is going to hate cowboys fans.

Ok let me state another hate: Redskin Fans who say "Redskins going to the Superbowl this year" -yeah good luck with that.

Ibid said...

charlotte: I prefer posting the skulls of foolish rats on popsicle sticks as a warning.

emilyjoyrin said...

i am anti big houses/lawns and dogs overall too. see, this is why i like your blog. :)

Michael said...

Wow, so your dad was Jor-el and your mom was Lara-el? So, if, uh, we "get together" one evening you might, ehhh, damage something of mine? No, thank you! Back into that magic crystal ride, sweetie. You...you alien. :)

FoggyDew said...

Judgemental people

(...and the Cowboys, Redskins, Dook and the Atlanta Braves. Although this final hatred has dulled with the years.)

maryjanejeff said...

I hate the New York Yankees, the New York Jets, certain politicians, the Indianapolis Colts, the Miami Dolphins, rude pompous asshats, douchebags, Dane Cook commericals, the Old Spice Provider commercial, traffic, DC roads, more certain politicians, being tired and half sick, high humidity and Metro breakdowns. I usually love Super Bowls, and am indifferent about the Redskins. I don't care for tons of luxuries in a home that someone is never in either but to each their own.

lacochran said...

I agree with Ibid: dogs good, babies bad.

Something I don't like, besides babies, is sports of any kind on television. Not into it. Not gonna be. Give it a rest.

Carrie M said...

I hate:

-people chewing gum in public - they are literally incapable of closing their mouths when they do it. Thank you very much for making my metro ride sound exactly what it must be like reading next to a COW;
-most of the Olympics (how's THAT for unAmerican) - Olympic race walking? Really? I always cheer for the US though, so I guess I'm American again;
-Louis Vuitton bags, Gucci bags (and hats and shoes) with the Gs, and Dooney and Burke bags with the DGs. Just because your bag cost waaaaaay too much, you're still a walking advertisement.

I luuuuuurvve...my dog. I don't dress her up, but she's my baby.

lacochran said...

Oh! And coffee!! I hate coffee! Now *that's* unamerican.

Shannon said...

Titania - I don't like wolves. What? They're kind of like dogs.

Zip - I just hate the Redskins. More specifically, I hate the name Redskins.

Ibid - As opposed to wise rats? How wise can a rat be?

Emily - Aw, a kindred spirit!

Michael - Which is better, a magic carpet ride or a magic crystal ride?

Foggy - people who are judgmental for misspelling "judgmental."

MJJ - Aw, but lots of people hate that stuff! Come on, hate something innocuous. Like, I don't know, ponies or leprechauns.

Lacochran - I sort of like babies...well, babies I know. Random ones piss me off.

Carrie - You don't like the OLYMPICS? That's pretty un-American of you right there!

Lacochran - I'm sorry, we're going to have to deport you. i LOVE coffee.

Michael said...

Carpet, honey! ;)

Ibid said...

Wise rats stay out of my house and live under the rose bush on a farm not too far from NIHM labs.

Shannon said...

Michael - Of course!

Ibid - But then they steal your electricity and drug your cat.

maryjanejeff said...

Dane Cook isn't innocuous? Damn! I hate tripping over tree limbs and nearly breaking my ankle on wet leaves. Does that count?

Ibid said...

After what the cat did to my dog it totally deserves that.

Dana said...

I'm Southern and I hate greens and grits. I think I'm missing a Southern gene.

I also hate Sarah Palin and coworkers who feel it to be their duty to make me love her. But that's a bit of a rant there. It's my own fault for working in Alabama.

maryjanejeff said...

Someone else hates Palin? Rock!

HP said...

I hate loud chewing noises, especially when they come from the person I share my office with.

Also hate people hating on other peoples' wardrobe choices.

And...I hate dogs. Except for ancient yellow labs. But other dogs--ew. Smelly, messy, needy and loud. Do not want. I especially hate how young recently married couples adopt dogs as starter children and then act all put out when they have to miss happy hour to go walk their pet. As if they didn't know what they were getting into.

I also hate the dog-person/cat-person dichotomy. Just because somebody dislikes dogs, that doesn't make them a "cat person" (nor do they have whiskers growing out of their cheeks and long tails).

Finally, I hate it when somebody assumes I'm dieting when I refuse dessert. Um, no dude. I just don't like dessert. But I will take another glass of wine and other round at the cheese plate.

Shannon said...

MJJ - Dane Cook is evil, that's what he is.

Dana - I love greens and grits! How dare you?

HP - I can't stand the starter baby thing, either. Like, just have the baby already.

Jamie said...

Sorry I got in on this so late... work is hell! But I will add my catty rejoinder, better late than never. I strongly believe that most people (particularly city-dwellers) who own dogs are afraid of being alone and/or find their lives incomplete without something annoying to take care of. Logically, these people will eventually become single mothers or marry someone they don't really like that much and have annoying children to take care of. Then, 25 years later, when they are still alone or divorced and alone, they will wonder why they didn't just learn to play the clarinet, go to a shooting range, crochet, or drink more
often instead.

And if you don't buy that, how about this:

"Cat" is synonymous with "Cool." What are you cats up to? or Those are some cool cats.

"Dog" is synonymous with "uncool." You shagged my girfriend? You dog!

QED. Just say no to dogs, and don't worry about single men with cats. We are comfortable with our sexuality, and know the value of a low-maintenance source of entertainment. Definitely worry about single men with rat dogs.

Shannon said...

See, Jamie, I post the "Single dudes with cats" thing whenever you haven't commented in a while - it's like a Jamie Batcall.

Jamie said...

Well I'm nothing if not predictable! Though I'd say it's more of a catcall.

Shannon said...

I think a catcall is more like, "Hey, Jamie, do fries come with that shake?"

Jamie said...

I'm not sure if you're making fun of my night job at Checkers, or you're making some kind of double entendre. Either way, I'll see you the drive thru.

Shannon said...

Really, more of a single entrendre. With fries. And a shake.

Kill me.

Jamie said...

I'm glad nobody else is reading this. Because this has gone way out of the deep fryer and into the seventh plane of bizarre humor. I'm not even sure what I'm talking about anymore.

I need a nap... or a drink... or both, not sure what order...

Shannon said...

We're talking? This is being posted? All this time I thought I was just arguing with the stapler again.

Wait, are you my stapler?

Jamie said...

Yes. Yes, I am. That's right, I'm a niiiice stapler. I won't bite you...

Shannon said...

OW! Holy hell, why did you just jam a staple my forehead?

It's fun being the only two people on here...like a lifeboat of weird.

Lemmonex said...

you are not alone...

maryjanejeff said...

I don't hate cats. Actually, they amuse me with their goofiness. I don't have any though. I do hate having to go to bed by 11 or be useless at work the next day.

Shannon said...

Why are people still posting here? This is a three-day-old post. Which is like, a decade in Internet time.

Jamie, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.

Jamie said...

And you knew that I would post again after your post complaining about people still posting. Hypocrite!! You're trying to get to a hundred comments aren't you.

Shannon said...

It's like we're closing down the bar.

And I'm not a hypocrite, I'm a narcissistic attention whore.