But the least American thing about me is this: I don’t care for dogs. I don’t get what’s so great about them. I hate itchy, hot fur, slobber, the clack-clack of paws on linoleum, and being jumped on. Barking is the most piercing sound known to man (except possibly the two neighbor kids who slurp and gasp their way through their boxes of milk every morning on the elevator with me).
I’m completely skeeved by the people who buy expensive toys, gourmet food, and outfits for their dogs. Doggy spas appall me. I wonder if these people might be better off just adopting a Romanian baby. And there is a special category of hell for those who convert their dogs to a vegetarian diet.
I suppose there are exceptions. Mellow dogs, I can handle. Well-disciplined dogs, great. Ones that don’t bark are even better. Stuffed ones are the best option of all. I guess it’s like kids: I like the kids I know, and am generally annoyed by the ones I don’t. So if I know you, I'm probably cool with your dog.
I just compared dogs to children, which is another peeve of mine: dogs aren't kids. No matter how much you love them, they're still pets. Last week, I overheard a pet owner say, "I should be able to bring my dog into a store, after all, people can bring their kids!" I wonder how big a trampoline their brain needed to make THAT leap of logic.
But it all comes back to one of my laws of life: If I had wanted to be jumped and slobbered on, I would have dated more in high school.
Wow, that felt really good. It was cleansing and lovely. Anyone else want to make a confession? In the comments, tell me something you can't stand that everyone around you seems to adore.