Friday, September 26, 2008

Friday's Story: I Bet Ginsberg Totally Had This in Mind

Yesterday’s post reminded me of a story. It’s the tale of my worst hangover ever, on November 1, 1994.

Why, yes, I do recall the date.

I was a freshman in college, a few days shy of my 18th birthday. I had been extraordinarily well-behaved in high school, for a combination of reasons. Strict parents, my own desire to not do anything that would jeopardize my escape from Woodbridge, and, mostly, the fact that I was a nerd and never got invited to deal drugs or kidnap babies with the bad kids.

I made up for it in college. My first night in Chapel Hill, I got bombed on Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill. A bicycle cop approached, I laughed in his face (I’d never seen a bike cop before and thought it was some sort of prank), realized he really was a cop, threw the bottle of Boone’s onto the ground…and then had to slurrily sweet-talk my way out of a littering citation.

By Halloween, I had the party girl routine down to a science. A friend and I dressed as Beatnik poets, complete with berets, turtlenecks, bongos, and coffee mugs full of vodka. We spent our evening roaming Franklin Street, entertaining the masses with extemporaneous poetry. I seem to recall having a very good time.

The next day was hell. I had only one class, at 2:00, and I almost didn’t make it. I eventually got up, showered, and chose a shirt and jeans at random. (The shirt was actually a pajama top.) I made it across campus to my Anthropology course, and proceeded to slump into my seat as if I’d left my skeleton at home. I may have drooled. But just a little.

The T.A. arrived, and several classmates begin lobbying to hold class outside. It was the sort of bright, sunny North Carolina day that makes your heart sing. Unless you’d been chugging vodka out of a coffee mug, in which case it’s the sort of bright, sunny day that makes you want to climb into the nearest dumpster and go back to sleep.

Despite my feeble protests, we moved to a group of benches near a small parking lot. At this point, I’d given up any pretense of paying attention. I slammed my sunglasses into place and laid down for a nap. Just as I got comfortable, a dump truck began to back up in the parking lot behind me.


That was it. I left class with the T.A. in midsentence, crawled back into bed, and stayed there until Sunday.

In the comments, tell me if you’ve ever laughed in a cop’s face. Or just make me feel better for having been a dork in high school.


Michael said...

Well, once upon a time many, many years ago, I, a U.S. Army veteran who had stood toe to toe with heathen communists at freedom's frontier (somewhere northwest of Munich, Germany, actually), decided to return to college. So I enrolled at a major Big Ten school (near the capital of Michigan, not to give anything away) and quickly determined that as an aging underclassman I needed a few beers each night to ease the transition to civilian life. One evening a fellow veteran/student and I finished class at one end of campus a long way from his girlfriend's apartment. Thirsty, we stopped for a "few minutes" before getting him home to honey. Several hours later I offered to complete the trip. We sped happily along at 60 mph on campus drives posted at 5 mph. Lo, soon bright red flashing lights appeared to the rear.
It was winter. I rolled down the window and blew fumes at the campus cop.
"You been drinking?"
No, officer, we have not! We served only our country!" Much manly giggling.
"I'll let you go with a warning but take it easy."
"Yes, officer! Thank you, officer!"
I drove slowly off, window open to avoid asphyxiation.
My buddy married the girlfriend eventually, but he slept alone that evening, I believe. Me, I slept alone most evenings anyway.
Stupid story.
The end.

Shannon said...

Michael - would you be so kind as to demonstrate a "manly giggle"?

Michael said...

Sort of like a choking sound, with little whimpers for effect. It's not real pretty. See, beer has alcohol and alcohol in large quantities makes you drunk and, well, things go off track after that.
Learn from my mistakes, darling.

LivitLuvit said...

I may or may not have once berated a cop for refusing to drive my drunk ass home. Ah, Franklin Street... apparently police officers hold only a shred of authority there. At least in our drunk, hazy memories...

bh said...

Let's see. Where to begin.

Senior year in HS. Nerdy bh, recently accepted to elite liberal arts college, decides to go to giant party in HS parking lot. After a few keystones, BH sits on hood of mom's styling 1986 chevy caprice station wagon with friends (did I mentioned I didn't get laid until I got to college? SHOCKER) and puts in dip.
Que local suburb facist cop who walks up and inquires about bh's plans, where abouts, and previous activities of evening. bh gives flip response and notes partner of said occifer opening car door. At which point, bh a spits a big dip spit on ground, smirks, and says:

"Hey buddy, don't you need a warrant to go in there."

Let me tell you, police car paint tastes like shit when they slam your ass down on the hood, slap a pair of cuffs on you and violently frisk you while ENTIRE high school watches you get arrested for minor in possession.

It only got better when my buddy started crying and my other buddies dad, who came and picked us up for the station tells you "you are one stupid mother f-er, the sooner you ship off to school, the better it will be around here".

Good times.

Shannon said...

Michael - Actually, I have an amazing surplus of mistakes, which I pass along to you, the customer, for a nominal fee.

Liv - I don't recall EVER being afraid of a Chapel Hill cop. Especially the ones on bicycles.

BH - What? In high school I used to ALWAYS go for the argumentative ones with ugly cars and a tobaccy habit.

Lemmonex said...

Honestly, I am terrified of cops. Like, I seize up when I see one, even just walking down the street. I learned it from my father. I don't mess with them and I don't trust them.

Shannon said...

Lem - Ha! That's probably healthy, though. I live right near a police station and jaywalk in front of cops every morning. Not wise.

Ibid said...

It's much harder to slam a perp down on the hood of bike.

A friend of mine worked at a local NPR station that had a very nice library of music. He made me several mix tapes (yes, he was straight) for me to listen to in the car during those trips through the radio dead zones of Kansas.
So I'm blowing along some highway and a cop comes after me. He asks me if I can explain why I'm going so fast. I hit REWIND for about 10 seconds and hit PLAY. The theme song to Superman blares out of the radio.
The cop cracks a smile but covers it quickly. "OK, just watch the speed from here on out."
I didn't even get a warning.

Tina said...

A time I laughed at a cop? Hmm - well I did get pulled over for speeding about 4 years ago actually (so I don't even have the excuse of being young to go with any of this). I was speeding. I freely admit that. I was sick as a dog - not for any post party reasons - just a virus. I did NOT want to be on the road in the first place - Mega Corp was sending me out to visit a customer in spite of the fact that I was dog sick. The cop that pulled me over was a total ass about it. He launched immediately into a lecture about speeding yadda yadda before he even got to the window of my car. When he did finally take a break in his tirade and get a look at my wan and peaked face and asked “Have you been drinking?”

I replied politely no – I have a bit of a virus – feel awful and just want to get where I’m going. He would not believe me! He insisted I get out of the car to do the drunken human tricks they so love to subject people to. As I exited my car, I finally lost my tenuous hold on my stomach contents and puked violently all over his shoes. When finished I managed a weak chuckle at the revolted look on his face and asked – “Do you suppose you could just check that for alcohol content? I’d really like to sit back down.”

zandria said...

I've technically laughed in the face of more than one cop, but that's because I knew them personally. Have I laughed in the face of a cop I don't know? Not yet. :)

Arjewtino said...

Ever since I was dragged out of my bed by my roommate because there were cops in our living room citing us for disturbing the peace and handcuffing us in front of our friends, I don't mess with cops.

Shannon said...

Ibid - What would have made that story even better is if you'd been listening to "Breakin' the Law."

Tina - So did you get the ticket?

Zan - I don't know any cops. To their tremendous relief, I'm sure.

Arjew - Cuffs and everything? Was it at least kind of hot?

bh said...

Yeah, I learned after that to begin and end every phrase you utter to a cop with "sir" or "ma'am".

16 paws said...

I was a total dork in school, who wasn't really? and my dad was a cop, so yes, I have laughed in an officers face, it got me grounded.

Shannon said...

BH - I usually start each phrase with "pig" or "fuzz."

16 paws - Hi and welcome! I would not have survived high school had I been raised by a cop.

hey pretty said...

No, but at age 16 when trying to learn how to drive shift, I burst into tears when a cop came up to my car after I stalled at an intersection and couldn't get back into the proper gear.

And a couple of years ago, I very kindly fixed a group of Capitol Police officers up with my friends at the Cap Lounge after my friends saw them across the bar and though they were hot.

Neither here, nor there. I know.

Shannon said...

HP - I've never even seen a hot Capitol Police officer, so I'm impressed.

Titania said...

I hit on a cop once... Does that count? Back in Grad School, I had the brilliant idea of mixing antihistamines and alcohol (going to a party in a house with cats!). I had one drink and I was totally wasted, and I think I had two or three in total. By 3a.m. I was hanging out close to the door and started flirting with this guy who seemed quite cute but also quite serious (did I mention i was wasted?), all of the sudden I realized he is dressed all in blue, then I noticed shiny thingies all over... (of course he was there since the neighbors had complained). I only thought of start repeating "I am not driving, I am not driving!". His replied "I am glad you are not driving". He never called, I wonder why...

KassyK said... college, we got pulled over by a cop (5 of us packed into the car wasted and the driver sober) and while he was giving her a speeding ticket...we asked him to take a picture of us POSING ON HIS COP CAR.

AND HE SAID YES. I now have that photo for all time. Its a beaut.

Also--my bff and I in high school were puffing on a joint in the Wawa parking lot and a cop came knocking on the door.

Besides us almost choking on our fear, she luckily didn't see or smell the pot (don't ask) and was asking why our license plate was on incorrectly.

She told us to wait in the car.

But I was stoned so I get out of the car, knock on her COP CAR window and ask her how long this would take because I am really tired.

Yea. She gave me a look and forcefully pointed back to get in my car.

I have had quiet a few interesting stories from end of high school but mostly college regarding cops. HAHA.

Told you guys I was naughty! :)

Shannon said...

Titania - I'm sort of bummed he didn't call...that would make a great story to tell the grandkids. "So, Poppy met Grammy when she was ABSOSMURFLY PLOWED on Benadryl and vodka!"

Kass - I think you're a little beyond naughty...which is why your comments are so fun!

stusigpi said...

Two stories

I went to college in a sma town in WV. My second year I spent all my time Inthe girls dorm. I used to larkmy blazer out from t in the fire lane never got a ticket but everyone knew I was there. I was 19 at the time but the girl at the Pantry thought I was 21 so I could buy all the beer I wanted. One night I came out of the dorm with a beer in my hand and the campus rent a cop saw me. I immediately hid the beer in my fleece. I had cut two holes in the pockets so I could carry a drink with me and it looked like my hands were well in my pockets when I could reach right through and hold my drink. The CC came up to me and said "_____ give me the beer". I asked "what beer?". He kindly pointed out that he had seen me with one and knew I had it. He was goi g to search me so I stepped out into the street and said "I'm on a public street and you are not a real cop so you can't do anything.". Not a happy guy. Lucky for me he never put two and two together and realized that was my truck out from t of the dorms for three years.

One night we were having a party at my house. I had a nice stereo system and had no idea it could be heard so far away. A cop came to our house on a noise complaint, he happened to be a cop that had purposefully shot himself in the foot to get out of work but was found out and forced back onto the job. So he got a bit smart with me, or I was just being an ass, I think it was the latter, and I told him that if he didn't like my music he could just go shoot himself again. At that point I was carted off back to the house by my friends, but not arrested.