Friday, September 12, 2008

Who Knew Meatheads Could Be Such Poets?

Commenter Justin mentioned being unable to get through the entirety of Wednesday’s wacko-rant. Apparently, that sort of bile needs to be broken down into chewable, digestible chunks.

Even better, let’s tart up the Firehose of Meathead’s missive into poetry! Many of his insults practically arranged themselves into pentametric couplets (though not all iambic, so, overgrown English majors: most lines won’t scan, get over it). I threw in tetrameter at the end. Or possibly not. I haven't taken a poetry class in more than a decade, so I'm rusty on meter.

Without further ado (or maybe just a little more ado...), I offer my first poem in the nearly six years of this site. You're witnessing history, y'all. Weep before its beauty, and recognize yourselves as mere pebbles on the Beach of the Universe.

From the Meathead, With Love
And you are Suzy homemaker who makes
Useless fats, cheese fondue, Old Glory cakes.
My killer abs don’t come from drinking beer,
My old slobby self is my greatest fear.
Endurance training may be cynical,
I do seven miles of elliptical.
And I can pair that with a two-mile run,
So at forty-six I’m still having fun.
Vain? Me? Vain, oh baby, you’ve got that right,
Today I’m just itching for a fight.
My body and cocky-ass attitude,
A conceeded, ripped, chiseled, dago dude.
I can go for hours in the sack,
Provided there’s a mirror on your back.

I love all those useless hours in the gym, but you,
Have your American flag cake and eat it too.

Happy Friday, everyone!


Lemmonex said...

Oh, thank you Justin for inspiring Shannon to do this. Brava, lady, Brava.

Can I get his number?

HomeImprovementNinja said...

That reminds me of the Flight of the Conchords rap song. The one where Bret is the Rhyme-nocerous, and Jemain is the Hiphop-apotamous.

Shannon said...

Lem - I'll have to email his profile to you. His screen name? The Pretenders song where Chrissie Hynde takes it from behind in a parking lot. Ooh, more poetry!

Ninja - I don't watch TV (it's my one intellectual pretension), so I'll take your word for it.

Tina said...

I am in Awe!!! You rock

Shannon said...

Tina - you know who REALLY rocks? The Firehose of Meathead! Seriously, I should have an entire blog dedicated to him.

suicide_blond said...

i used to have a personal poet...
when he saw my private confessions.. on your blog... he enacted an embargo...
and since an embargo is considered an act of war...
i am still hopeful that a peace summit can be brokered..

HomeImprovementNinja said...

You're welcome...

Shannon said...

Blond - I'll be your negotiator. I'm very diplomatic, in the sense that only about 10% of my conversations come to blows.

Ninja - thanks, I'll watch that when I get home!