Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Face Jam, Not Facebook!

Yesterday, I alluded to a troubling cultural shift: the ascendancy of social networking over Internet porn.

First off, what is wrong with you people? It’s porn, and it’s free! It’s free porn. How can Facebook even begin to compete with that? Sure, it’s fun to convert nouns into verbs (“to friend someone,” “to author a book” and so on). And it’s great to find out that the kid who pulled your pigtails collects Dungeons & Dragons figurines and is still living with his parents. But, people: PORN.

Second, I’m worried about how this is going to affect our society as a whole. Recent trends have taken us toward social isolationism. Examples include the ascendancy of longer workweeks, the breakdown of the nuclear family, and increased mobility.

Porn reinforced the lone wolf in all of us. With the popularity of social networking, people are beginning to interact again. No longer is it every man for himself, facing a landscape of implants, acrobatics and improbable social situations. Only in the world of porn is “You're not the usual cabana boy,” an effective pickup. (I know, I tried.) Instead, people are interacting. Messaging. Announcing their status. And connecting…with no nudity whatsoever.

This is deeply, deeply troubling. I hate people, and I do not want them to band together and conspire against me. So I say we start a movement: No More Scorn for Porn (NMSFP, which really rolls off the tongue). Together, we’ll go and download and much porn as we can possibly find. Who's in?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be Googling "Grosse Point Spank."

PS – Disclaimer for Dad: I’m not really a porn freak. And I never knew about your Playboy stash. Also, that time in high school you busted me for sneaking out? I was totally taking candy and schoolbooks to disadvantaged syphilitic legless orphans. I was NOT making out with a 19-year-old in a vintage Mustang. Really.

41 comments:

Lemmonex said...

Do you really think people are interacting on facebook? I think it makes us more detached than ever.

At least with porn, I truly get to interact with myself.

Who said that?

Jamie said...

To Shannon's Dad: She lies.

Shannon said...

Lemmonex - Aw, you disparage our Facebook IM-a-thons?

Jamie - I do not lie. Also, the orphans were space alien orphans.

LivitLuvit said...

Oh, come on. That doesn't even slightly ring true... everyone knows orphans can't READ.

Sheesh.

Shannon said...

Liv - I TAUGHT them how to read! That's what I was doing...no boys in leather jackets involved. I swear.

[F]oxymoron said...

Porn could be the change this country needs! Our forefathers (not quite sure which one though) fought hard to bring porn into the world (wide web).

Shannon said...

Foxy: Porn is patriotic! If we don't all go out and download porn right now, THE TERRORISTS WILL HAVE WON.

Michael J. West said...

I demand a credit for having come up with the name Grosse Pointe Spank in 1998!

Shannon said...

Mike...be careful what you wish for...

Ibid said...

People keep asking me if I have a MySpace page. No. I don't. I am not a 13 year old girl.

I get bands and politicians starting MySpace and FaceBook pages. They're advertising in an area that can help draw in a desired demographic. But I'm an alpha geek. I feel that I betray my values just by using Blogger instead of just writing my own code.

Jamie said...

Ibid. "alpha geek..." Hmm. Is that like, Lord of the Flies?

Seriously though, what do you have against facebook, other than programmer envy that you didn't think of it first? It is, as they say, a social networking utility. I seem to remember from a previous thread you do online dating. Obviously, you see value in some online networking tools.

Shannon said...

Ibid - What if you invented your own social networking site?

Jamie - You can't get laid on Facebook. Duh.

Jamie said...

Ah, Shannon... so naive. And I suppose you can't get laid on Craig's list either.

But beyond that sort of overt whoring, the ability to see what your social circle is up to definitely translates into getting laid. It just takes a few steps in the real world from there.

restaurantrefugee said...

I am still waiting to find redeeming value in Facebook.

bh said...

Goddamnnit people!!! I expect better. Think of the carnage this sort of cultural shift is causing Van Nuys even as I write:

Lonely Housewives aching for a true stud to give them the sex they need.

Secretary's longing to depants their boss.

Horny Cheerleader's desperate to be deflowered in the most depraved ways.

Dominantrix's forced to hang up that ball gag and riding crop.

For the love of humanity, folks, real lives are in jeopardy right now. I insist everyone grow a set and start surfing the free electronic red light district, POST HASTE.

Speaking of which, you wouldn't believe what I saw on x-tube the othe...

Am I still typing?

Shannon said...

Jamie - What is this "real world" thing that you speak of?

Refugee - It's a handy way for me to stalk my friends. I CAN SEE YOU.

BH - And think of all those poor milkmen who aren't getting any!

Jamie said...

Shannon, actually, that reminds me of another very valuable use for Facebook. Even if people hide their profile (and a lot of people don't within a network like WDC) you can usually still find out relevant details about that person you hooked up with last night, like, how old they are, and what they look like.

Shannon said...

Jamie - But then there's the "mutual friends" functionality. I HATE finding out that a bar skank knows everyone I went to high school with. So embarassing.

Ibid said...

There's internet service providers and there's AOL.
There are websites and there's Social Networking pages.
There's poker and there's Pokemon.
You see where I'm going with this?

Mom has a Facebook page. But she's a preacher and wants to be able to see what her middle school youth group members are doing on there.

Online dating is a bit different. It's just an electronic form of what I see in the newspapers.
MySpace and the like are electronic versions of a pack of giggling 13 year old girls on the playground gossiping.
Which is perfectly fine if you're a 13 year old girl.

If I were to develop my own social networking site it would be some cynical ploy to get money out of people and not something I'd participate in. Much like the childrens books I'm working on.

Jamie said...

Ibid... are you reading the same blog as the rest of us? We are 13 year old girls.

Ibid said...

13 year old girls that are getting a lot more action than I am. :P
But then again, you'd pretty much have to be getting more than I am.

Shannon said...

Ibid, Jamie - You got me. I'm not 31, I'm 13! Now, who wants to go shop at Limited Too?

FoggyDew said...

Both MySpace and Facebook were started by the National Security Agency. Why should NSA data mine when it can get idiots to provide all their information for free?

Why go to the effort of implanting RFIDs? It's so much easier to keep track of people when they're doing all the legwork for you.

And Jamie, unless you intend to start a relationship and watch porn with the person you hooked up with last night, who really cares about their "relevant details"?

Jamie said...

I sleep better at night knowing that I did not commit any felonies.

Besides, starting a relationship and/or watching porn are always a possibility.

Shannon said...

Foggy, Jamie, let's go back to the beautiful thing that binds us all together: FREE INTERNET PORN.

Ibid said...

[singing]
PORN Wonderful PORN
FREE Straight Bi and nasty

Shannon said...

PORN Wonderful PORN,
You just have to ask me!

FoggyDew said...

Porn fills our days
Takes away our loneliness
Stroke and poke to ahhhh

freckledk said...

I was more of a Penthouse reader as a child. The "I never believed these stories were true until last night, when I found myself alone in the library with a cleaning girl and her German Shepherd" stories were well matched with my Grade 6 reading level.

Shannon said...

Frecks - I never believed these stories until I found myself checking my blog comments and seeing a porno sing-a-long.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Any idea how credit crunch affected porn?


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