Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Outrageous Fortune

It’s a topsy-turvy, mad, mad, confusing, and ever-changing world. Internet porn is no longer king. And we now have flying cars, moving sidewalks, and personal jet-packs.

We don’t? Really? Why not?

One thing I can always count on is the all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet near my office. This legendary experience is eight bucks, which includes a soda, tasty heat-lamp cuisine (the buffet table operates as an enormous Easy-Bake Oven), soup and fruit.

Yesterday, LivitLuvit and I decided to meet up for lunch and buffet conquest. All was well (and delicious!) until the fortune cookies arrived.

Liv’s fortune had been personally written for her by Barack Obama, “We must become the change that we want to see.” Inspiration, and a tasty snack!

What sort of fortune would be in store for me? Fame? Wealth? Love? Unicorns and ponies? I got excited. I tore open my cookie. However, instead of Barack Obama, my fortune was written by dyslexic monkeys. Dyslexic monkeys on crack.

“Today’s profits are yesterday’s good well-ripened.”

Now, it could just be that I’m a stickler for grammar. Or, more likely, it’s that D-minus I got in Economics 10. But I have no clue what that even means. If I’m good today, I’ll have money tomorrow? Old people are well-ripened and profitable?
I should cook and sell old people?

Then I remembered, these things are a crock. Now, Tarot, that's the real deal. So I did what anyone would do in that situation:
I stole Liv’s fortune. Sucker!

23 comments:

[F]oxymoron said...

Hmmmm... I think you got shafted!
Even my fall back method doesn't add to your fortune. Compare:

We must become the change that we want to see - in bed.

To

Today’s profits are yesterday’s good well-ripened - in bed.

Time to find a new heat lamp haunt.

Shannon said...

Foxy - so, I can "change" in bed, as in sexual reassignment surgery, or I can be "well-ripened" in bed, which makes me sound less than virtuous.

Interesting.

maryjanejeff said...

Is this place better than Full Kee? Or Tony Chengs, which some people don't like but I did when I went there? I love the seafood fried rice at Full Kee. Heck if I have time to bring the leftovers home before they spoil, it's dinner one night and lunch for two days!

We must be related in one of those 6 degrees of something since I also got a D something in an economics course. Money, Banking, and the Economy, last semester senior year, didn't understand the instructor at all, only needed to pass to graduate Cum Laude, yeah!

freckledk said...

Mmmmm! I want to be included on that lunch date next time the Chinese craving strikes!

Shannon said...

MJJ - It's not the best Chinese in the universe, but the quantity definitely makes up for the lack of quality.

FreckledK - Sure...if I can steal your fortune! I go once a week or so, email me for details.

Ibid said...

Biorhythms. That's where the real fortune is.

Shannon said...

Ibid: Plastics.

LivitLuvit said...

Dammit- THAT'S why I'm wearing yesterday's underwear! You stole my ability to change!

Palin 08.

KIDDING

Arjewtino said...

You wrote about Chinese food buffet and failed to mention General Tso's chicken?

I thought I knew you.

Shannon said...

Liv - are you kidding about Sarah Palin, or about the day-old panties?

Arjewtino - the original draft had General Tso's...but really I'd been busy with the chicken on a stick.

LivitLuvit said...

Uhhh... whichever is more offensive. (I really can't decide.)

Lemmonex said...

Know whats better than heat lamp cuisine? Iron cuisine.

In kindergarten, we made grilled cheese in foil with an iron. Tasty!

Oh, and you can make salmon in your dishwasher...just leave the soap out.

Shannon said...

Liv - Are your panties offensive? More importantly, would I want to know if you have offensive undergarments?

Lemmonex - I used to make ironed cheese sandwiches in college!

FoggyDew said...

As Jane Doe once said: "Awww, come on guys, it's so simple maybe you need a refresher course. It's all ball bearings nowadays."

Shannon said...

Foggy - I Googled that, looks like a sports thing. How dare you introduce sports into this blog?

FoggyDew said...

It's not sports, it's Fletch. How can you not like Fletch?

And I quote, "Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo."

Shannon said...

Weird - the first thing that popped up was ESPN. But Fletch is OK. No sports, though!

FoggyDew said...

Whew!

bh said...

Mmmmm....old people stew....

Damn, between doing coke off dead hookers a**es and eating dead people, I'm am shocked, SHOCKED, that the usual dolts that constitute the bulk of DC fail to meet your ecletic relationship needs.

Shannon said...

BH - Hooker butts are popular cocaine locations....thighs are a bit trickier. I know I should settle for a man who has at least done a line of coke off a whore, but I'm still young and lovely! I can wait!

Justin said...

Why do I always get fortunes like "Enjoy yourself while you can"?

Seriously.

Shannon said...

Justin - because you're going to die in a freak bowling accident. My Tarot cards told me so.

lacochran said...

A week or two late but...

“We must become the change that we want to see.”

The Mahatma, no?