Friday, September 05, 2008

The Other Half Lives with a Ham in a Holster

I am a woman of simple tastes. But one of my favorite hobbies is perusing the Dean & Deluca catalog, which is most assuredly not for simple tastes (or simple budgets). The one conclusion I can draw: the rich really are different. And most of those differences are due to their superior (and possibly somewhat bizarre) food intake.

I tailgate with hot dogs and beer. The Dean & Deluca squad would prefer I swap my pig lip surprise with relish for a foie gras burger.

In the "Pantry Staples" section, I am lacking a very basic item called the Texturas Spherification Minikit, for the miniature price of $200. This kit allows me to "transform [my] favorite flavors into spheres of different sizes." I cannot WAIT to serve spherical Goldfish crackers at my next party!

I'm also in need of another Very Important Item: A Healdsburg Decanter Dryer. From the sound of it, you would think it's a highly specialized device, when, in fact, it appears to be a $120 version of a paper towel rack. Also, I have no decanters to dry. I pour my wine straight out of the bottle. In fact, I often pour my wine straight out of the bottle and directly into my mouth.

My favorite find, however, is the Jamon Iberico de Bellota (translation: “Iberian Soap of the Ball”). If you’ve got twenty C-notes, you can buy an entire leg of ham. With a foot still attached. A leg of ham with a carving stand. A ham in a holster, if you will.

Really, all foods should come in holsters. Couldn’t you imagine your ground beef in a sling?

In the comments, tell me why a leg of ham could be worth $2,000. And, no, you cannot say, "A leg of ham would be worth $2,000 if it was wearing a diamond anklet."


Ibid said...

This is the leg of ham that King Henry the VIII beat his 6th wife to death with.

In the Book of Hank chapter 13 verses 42-47 Jesus healed a lame pig. That's him.

It's really a sheep. You heard of Dolly the clone?

Zero fat. This pig was an athlete. It participated in the running of the bulls for 5 straight years. It was hired to sprint across Ethiopia to prove that Ethiopians aren't actually all that hungry so the US could cut foreign aid to them.

Because some people have more dollars than sense.

emilyjoyrin said...

hey there - love your blog, don't know if i've ever commented before.

anyways, jamon translates as 'ham'...think you're thinking of 'jabon.' :)

jamon iberico is crazy cheap in Spain, but up until recently illegal to import until recently...i'm guessing that contributes to the ridiculous price?

Shannon said...

Ibid - but the ad says it's 35-40% fat. So let's stick with the "Book of Hank" theory for now.

Emily - Hi, and welcome! I do speak a fair amount of Spanish (I lived in Colombia), I just like to come up with bad translations to amuse myself.

emilyjoyrin said...

now i feel like a jerk. :) and i do remember now that you lived in Colombia. thanks for the welcome!

FoggyDew said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lemmonex said...

Not Babe! Leave him out of this.

This pig was slaughtered by a pack of renegade angels. It is so pricey because it is hard work to get those cherubs over to the dark side and the Devil needs his due.

FoggyDew said...

As Jules Winnfield said in Pulp Fiction, "Well we'd have to be talkin' about one charming ... pig. I mean he'd have to be ten times more charmin' than that Arnold on Green Acres, you know what I'm sayin'?"

Perhaps the meat comes from very charming pigs or, better yet, Babe the pig. I'd pay $2k to eat the "jamon" from a talking pig.

Shannon said...

Emily - Correcting my ridiculousness is the entire purpose of this blog, so don't worry about it!

Lemmonex - I wonder what sort of percentage Beelzebub's business manager worked out for him.

Foggy - Oddly, I've never seen Babe.

brandonsavage said...

No no, those ads aren't for rich people. They're for DUMB rich people.

I make 3x the national average. But I don't buy $2,000 legs of ham.


lacochran said...

Because it is the "pork" that was cut out of the congressional bills! Ba-DUMP-cha!

Shannon said...

Brandon buys $5000 legs of ham!

Lacochran - insert your own "Holster to Nowhere" joke.

Jon said...

Because you can't be sufficiently disdainful of the unwashed masses with mere $1000 legs of ham.

LivitLuvit said...

The only way I'd spend anything more than standard deli prices for swine is for a pet pot-bellied pig. That's totally what my new apartment is missing.

Shannon said...

Jon - That extra $1000 adds flavor!

LivitLuvit - I read somewhere that George Clooney fed bacon to his pet pig. That's just sick enough to be true...and hilarious. And sick.

Lisa said...

Oh, it's soooo yummy, that Iberian soap of the ball. I took a number of pictures of those legs the last time I was in Spain, because they were so apallingly intriguing. As for the cost...I seem to recall that they are nourished entirely and exclusively with acorns. That's gotta add up.

Shannon said...

Lisa - Thanks for the info! Now I'm picturing Soap of the Ball farmers fighting squirrels for acorns.

HP said...

I actually think the spherification mini-kit looks sort of cool. But I watch too much Top Chef so the molecular gastromony thing kind of appeals to me.