Saturday, Commenter Justin and I road-tripped to Alexandria for cevapcici and donuts.The Bosnian portion of the evening went remarkably smoothly. The Krispy Kreme segment, however, was like one of those fourth-grade Farmer Brown word problem tests. I always fell apart as soon as Farmer Brown had more than five melons to sell, or had irrigated more than two acres of wheat. Let’s see if I’ve gotten any smarter in the last 24 years.
Question One:
You are in line at the donut shop. The couple in front of you are dressed in RenFest gear and keep ignoring the employee who is asking them for their order. However, once the employee gives up and takes your order instead, the Renfairians become snarky and bitter. Estimate their cumulative IQ (don’t forget to show your work!):
a. 12 (the equivalent of two parakeets)
b. 306 (they’re so smart, they’re stupid!)
c. 200 (average, and average people are dumb)
d. UNICORNS AND TEDDY BEARS AND RAISIN COOKIES!
Question Two:
You and Justin are making a purchase which, between the two of you, includes: a bag of ground coffee, a small cup of coffee to drink inside the donut establishment, and one original glazed donut. How many total items are you purchasing?
a. One
b. Two
c. Three
d. Wait, I’m a gully dwarf, I use my thumbs to count and can’t go higher than two!
Question Three:
You have reached the cash register. Does this establishment accept credit cards?
a. 63!
b. Yes
c. No
d. If the cashier stares at me blankly for long enough, the cash for my purchases will magically drop from the sky. Or Justin will give me money. Or I will get a colossal migraine and begin to cry.
Question Four:
You are attempting to make your purchases. You would like to buy a cup of coffee to drink, and a bag of coffee to take home. Your friend is buying one original glazed donut. Who is spending more money?
a. Me, as I am purchasing the two more expensive items.
b. Justin, because he’s a guy and I earn 77 cents to his dollar, anyhow.
c. Me, SINCE I AM BUYING A SEVEN-DOLLAR BAG OF COFFEE, PLUS A $1.49 CUP OF COFFEE, AND JUSTIN IS BUYING ONE 59-CENT DONUT.
d. Justin, because the cashier is randomly combining and separating purchases until he is the proud owner of 100 acres of Florida swampland.
Question Five:
You have made your purchases, in which somehow Justin has purchased your bag of coffee, you are the legal owner of his donut, and a wormhole has sucked you into Bizarro Land. Nearly thirty minutes have elapsed since your arrival.
What do you do, punk? What do you do?
a. Laugh
b. Cry
c. Laugh, then cry
d. Cry, then laugh
a. Laugh
b. Cry
c. Laugh, then cry
d. Cry, then laugh
I don't know what happened on Saturday. Normally, that means I woke up in a gutter (again). This time, I was addled by complex sugars and intractable stupidity. All I know is that I wound up with half a donut, some coffee, and a colossal headache. And I paid about $2.79 for it. I think. Maybe. Huh.
PS - Credit to Justin for the post title.
26 comments:
I love it when you visit me in the gutter.
Raisin cookies? Are there any other raisin cookies besides oatmeal raisin cookies?
Lemmonex - well, usually, it's because you've stuffed me into your purse again, and then you fall asleep in the gutter with me still inside your bag.
You were hopped up on Krispy Kreme. You can not be held responsible for any of it. Perhaps you can apply for a government bailout.
Lacochran - The government totally owes me for that bag of coffee! Except I think maybe Justin somehow paid for it. I seriously have no idea what happened in there.
Ack! What's sad is that if you read this fast enough, you can almost recreate the level of confusion somehow created inside that Krispy Kreme. Be careful, though - you need to be going faster than the speed of light, or else you won't be able to escape from the event horizon. Yes folks, that was a black hole reference. Why? From that Krispy Kreme, no intelligence escapes.
The fact that I typed that sentence up completely without realizing what I was saying should speak volumes. I got out alive, just maybe not intact.
Anyway, some friendly nitpicks (mainly because I'm amazingly impressed you were able to get so much mileage out of so much fail):
1) C. 200. I, however, am including the two scary people in front that combined forces with them. Thus while the numerator in our division equations stays constant, my denominator is a larger sum. The meaning of this is left as an exercise to the reader.
2) C. Now, here's the best part. If you consider that each of us had to have been buying at least one item, that meant there are only three possible ways to split this (Donut+Cup/Bag, Cup+Donut/Bag, Bag+Cup/Donut). By process of elimination, this couldn't have taken long to figure out, even if we hadn't sorted and stood in front of the items as if this were some sort of illustrated children's remedial math text.
3) It is now 3 days later and the answer to this question still eludes me.
4) Oh shit, did sexism come into play? I hadn't even realized it. Being a guy is awesome.
In all seriousness, I did at some point try to pay for everything, which you'd think would really have removed all the "complexities" (har har) from the situation. That failed, however, and I was rather alarmed when the woman gave me $2 in change for my attempt at purchasing a <$1 donut with a $10 bill. I realize she's the one with the calculator, but please, give me some credit here.
5) All of the above. I think at the time I was too shocked for any of the aboev, but wow. Wow. I've witnessed some real pain in the ass retail customers. We just wanted to pay for $9.50 in food with a $10 bill and not get asked for more money.
I should write to Bloomberg and tell them that the epicenter of the financial crisis is a donut shop in Alexandria, VA.
NO BAILOUT FOR KRISPY KREME!
Justin - I'm guessing I bought the cup of coffee and the donut, whereas you bought the bag of coffee. I'm just really, really impressed you remember so much - by the time we got to the register my brain had completely shut down. I really don't remember much after that.
Ibid - Donuts are a cornerstone of the US economy. See: the obesity epidemic.
Free market! If deregulation of the donut industry causes the donut companies to collapse we should let them so that new confectionaries can rise from their powdered sugary remains. This isn't Red Canada that has welfare pastries for Tim Norton's and their ilk.
Tim Horton's.
I bet you did that on purpose.
P.S - Tim's is owned by Wendy's
Ibid - Really, I think the issue is the adjustable rate donuts - as in, they adjusted the rate at which I was able to fasten my belt. I speculated on my metabolism and got caught.
Justin - Actually, this entire blog is an exercise in RUINING YOUR LIFE.
The answer is ALWAYS D! Always!
Now I'm hungry. But perhaps for coffee grinds, not Krispy Kreme. YOU don't know.
FreckledK - I bet you got a perfect score on the SATs. Wait, the answer is always C on the SATs.
Liv - The Fail-tastic Krispy Kreme would probably give you a donut made of coffee grounds. And then somehow charge you $12.48 for it.
That's fine- but how much does it cost if the YOUR MOM pays for it. Thinking outside the box!
Liv - Easy. $3005.48.
That's $12.48 for the coffee ground donut, $2993 round trip airfare for my mom to fly in from Sydney to buy your stupid donut.
Is this the Krispy Kreme on Route 1 that I think is next to the Applebees? I live near there but have never been and never will. Dunkin Donuts is much better even if you have to ask for cream here, it is not assumed like it is in the motherland. Bosnian food: Cosmopolitan Cafe, next to the Gold's Gym on Route 1? Their filo dough is killer and in a good way!
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