Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I'm Narcissistic and Overly Imaginative, What Else Is New?

Friday, I alluded to one of the greater challenges in my life: Murphy’s Law of Inverse Hotness.

Essentially, the sloppier you look when you leave the house, the more likely you are to run into an ex, and the more significant the ex is likely to be. I went out with frizzy hair, a slowly unraveling top, and jeans, and ran smack into my former husband.*

Once I’d arrived at the office, I posted a Facebook update declaring that if I left the house in pajama pants, no makeup, one shoe, a baseball cap, and drunk at noon on a Thursday, I’d run into a support group of everyone I’ve ever dated.

Naturally, as with everything in my life, the gates flew open and the mockery ensued. “The support group actually meets on Tuesdays,” said one old flame. “I have trouble making the Tuesday meetings but I did receive a copy of the newsletter,” said a former flicker.

This got me to thinking. Not about why my Facebook friends list is the Ghosts of Beaux Past. No, I’m enough of a narcissist to imagine what a support group of everyone I’ve ever dated would look like.

It would take place somewhere blank and depressing, like a VFW hall, or north Raleigh. The meeting would be called to order by a guy with floppy hair and a bullet still lodged in his thigh (people, I’m from Woodbridge). Then there’d be an affirmation:

“Going out with a woman who believes there are tiny musicians living inside her stereo does NOT diminish me as a person.”

From there, men would get up one by one and tell their tales of woe.

“I showed up with a dozen roses, and she STILL didn’t know it was a date!”

“Yeah, well, at least she’d learned how to cook by the time she met you…you have no idea how soggy grilled cheese can be when it’s prepared by an iron.”

“Does she still scream and run away when someone walks in on her while she’s brushing her teeth? Or does she save the insanity for when someone tries to take her picture?”

She’d be cuter if she was Jewish. Told her that on the first date. Don’t know why there wasn’t a second one.”

“Yeah, well, on our first date she got drunk and face-planted into the side of a taxi!”

Then there’d be group photos, perhaps one in height order from that mid-twenties phase where the men I dated got progressively shorter and better-educated. Then refreshments would be served (I’m picturing danishes, fruit display, and free-flowing Makers Mark). Then everyone would shake hands, pledge each other to secrecy, and return to their everyday lives.

In the comments, imagine a support group of your exes. Or, diagnose me with narcissistic personality disorder.

*Incidentally, I behaved like a dork. “We’ve got to stop meeting like this, people will talk,” is not an invitation to say, “Dude, my dad would be THRILLED.” Also, when one’s ex alludes to seeing one another at a mutual friend’s birthday party, one does not say, “See you there, I’m bringing my girlfriend HP along, she can’t wait to see if you have horns! Bye now!” Someday, someone will invent a device that snatches all the doofy things I say out of the air, before they reach the ears of the intended recipient. That will be the happiest day of my life…however, I will have to shut down this blog as I will be fresh out of jackassery to write about.


FoggyDew said...

On the advice of counsel, I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it would tend to incriminate me.

Actually, I'm friends with most of my exs and on speaking terms with all but one or two, so it would be a pretty festive gathering. They'd share stories about how great a guy Foggy is and how it was a life-changing experience to date him and...huh? What? I'm awake. Oh, was that a dream? Doh!

HP said...

I often wonder what a gathering of my exes would look like as well. Given the range of my tastes and romantic victims though, they'd probably all just be totally horrified with one another.

HomeImprovementNinja said...

Well if you DID censor yourself, then 1) you would have less blog fodder, and 2) you would have to cope with awkward silences, which can be just as bad. Can you imagine if you ran into your ex husband and neither of you said anything, but merely looked at each other for far longer than is socially acceptable, then broke eye contact and walked away silently? It sounds like an O'Henry short story.

Shannon said...

Foggy - Then they'd strip down to their underpants and have a pillowfight!

HP - I'm picturing blank stares and a round of tequila shots.

Ninja - It sounds like...well, hell. I know I'll always mouth off, because I can't not. Luckily most people who know me are pretty used to it.

Just A Girl said...

Mine would be a mixed bag. Some of them would be sad and ask why I wouldn't commit, others would say they couldn't get me to NOT commit. The ones from high school could reminisce about their 3 months apiece.

A couple of them would bring their new girlfriends/wives just to make a point, which is that they have moved on and fuck me. Generally speaking though, I think it would be ok.

Jo said...

Ha! I love this. Mine would be a collection of tall goofy white guys... 60% of them musicians.

I also have quite a few exes on my Facebook list, sometimes it weirds me out.

Shannon said...

JAG - I bet that would happen...and, weirdly, they'd all be married or dating short brunettes (almost every guy I've gone out with has admitted that he first asked me out because he likes short brunettes...weird).

Jo - Throw in a few tattoos, and you've got my history right there!

Zipcode said...

Could you imagine a group of my ex's hahaha? You would 1/3 cops, 1/3 normal guys, throw in a firefighter I almost married, the computer geek from college, and Satan. OMG it would be interesting. I am sure Satan would be hiding somewhere from the cops. Ha - Great post!

LiLu said...

I kind of want to go to a party with Zip's exes. INSANITY. I will require a lot of mace before I attend though.

Shannon said...

Zip - I bet Satan would pull up on his Schwinn all, "I'm a badass!" then see the cops and run away.

LiLu - Me too! We should totally put together a party of everyone's exes and see what happens.

Brett said...

"I thought I told her I had a girlfriend. And I'm still afraid of commitment!"

"She can't blame that kiss on three glasses of wine."

"We had nothing in common but physical chemistry. I had to call it off." No you didn't, idiot!

Zipcode said...

I still say you guys come to Woodbridge one saturday and will go to the grocery store and embarass Satan, must do this before he goes back to frozen foods

Shannon said...

Brett - I blame every kiss on three glasses of wine. Isn't that how we wound up making out that one time?

Zip - Oh, of course. I'm going right up to the register with whipped cream and condoms, and asking if he has plans for later.

Goodness, I'm raunchy today.

Patty Duke said...

my group inn't a support group. It's more like a mutual admiration society, the admiree being me.

Lemmonex said...

I date assholes. The I get sick of them and just want a nice guy...but they are really nice. Like too nice. Pansies.

So I think it would be a group of bullies beating up on the weaklings.

Shannon said...

Patty - Do they sing songs about you?

Lemmonex - So, basically...8th grade?

KassyK said...

Ah, love this.

Mine would be a group of 80% gorgeous David Beckham (hot, successful) types who are gregarious, sweet, and are kind of perfect catches. We are friendly still...and they are still wondering why I dated them if I was going to get back with Chef anyway.

The other 20% would be the biggest players literally on the East Coast who convinced themselves I was "the girl who would change them" and then either flipped out because I actually didn't want to change them--or flipped out because I got back with Chef.

Same story, different tattoo.

Actually, this party sort of happened in September. It was awkward.


Hammer said...

Lexa's meeting sounds like Lord of the Flies with an Evite.

Shannon said...

KAss - Where was my invitation? I would've loved to puncture a few players!

Hammer - Actually, right after she posted that, I told her the same thing. Spooky. So, would your ex-festival take place in YOUR TRUK?

Patty Duke said...


You've Got the Look - Prince & Sheena Easton

The Beautiful Ones - Prince

Hammer said...

Yup - a bunch of women all cramped up in MAH TRUK griping about how I won't add them on Facebook.

I don't think it would be a particularly long meeting though. I tended to go for the rowdy ones, and in a confined space like that I suspect they'd turn on each other within 20 minutes.

Shannon said...

Patty - I tend to hear a raucous group singalong of, "You Are So Beautiful" but that could only be in my head.

Hammer - I'm picturing hamsters, who have been known to cannibalize one another when in groups. Are you, like, INTO HAMSTERS?

Patty Duke said...

It's not only in your head, it's their theme song.

Big C said...

Cool beans on the free-flowing Maker's Mark. You should come take a free tour of the distillery. Maker’s Mark is located just outside historic downtown Lebanon, the geographic center of the state and true Heart of Kentucky. Come feel the beat! Learn more about Maker’s Mark and get easy, detailed directions to the distillery at www.HeartOfKentucky.com.

Ibid said...

My ex-support group meets in a phone booth.