I had plans for Saturday morning. Not the usual plans, which involve sending home the sailors and squishing down my hangover with Dramamine and Gatorade. No, I was going to take Foggy out for brunch, and then prance around in the sunlight with my shiny new hair. (Yes, it’s kind of red now. Kind of an Angela Chase effect. Actually, it’s so red that one of my guy friends noticed. So it must be quite red. )
I wound up at Pentagon City with a little time to kill. I wandered into the Best Buy to view all the new technology that I would never want, know how to use, or comprehend the purpose of. It’s like a whole World of the Future Museum in there!
As I was leaving, I set off the alarm. The guard pulled me aside and asked to search my backpack.
“Do you have any electronics with you?”
“No, just a cellphone.”
“That wouldn’t do it. DVDs?”
I opened up my backpack and began to root around. Out tumbled:
Xanadu, the Pirate Movie, and...Dolemite. Gene Kelly on roller skates, The Pirates of Penzance as re-imagined by the year 1982, and a sleek action film featuring hooker ninjas and frequent appearances of the boom mike.
The guard looked at me, looked at the movies, and tried not to laugh. I cracked up, he busted out a grin, and I said, “I would hope at least I’d steal better movies.”
“Yes ma’am, now get that out of here! Those are some bad movies.”
So, if you ever want to take up shoplifting, use Olivia Newton-John as a cover.