Monday, April 06, 2009

Bad Taste Will Get You Out of Everything

I had plans for Saturday morning. Not the usual plans, which involve sending home the sailors and squishing down my hangover with Dramamine and Gatorade. No, I was going to take Foggy out for brunch, and then prance around in the sunlight with my shiny new hair. (Yes, it’s kind of red now. Kind of an Angela Chase effect. Actually, it’s so red that one of my guy friends noticed. So it must be quite red. )

I wound up at Pentagon City with a little time to kill. I wandered into the Best Buy to view all the new technology that I would never want, know how to use, or comprehend the purpose of. It’s like a whole World of the Future Museum in there!

As I was leaving, I set off the alarm. The guard pulled me aside and asked to search my backpack.

“Do you have any electronics with you?”
“No, just a cellphone.”
“That wouldn’t do it. DVDs?”
“Actually, yes.”

I opened up my backpack and began to root around. Out tumbled:

Xanadu, the Pirate Movie, and...Dolemite. Gene Kelly on roller skates, The Pirates of Penzance as re-imagined by the year 1982, and a sleek action film featuring hooker ninjas and frequent appearances of the boom mike.

The guard looked at me, looked at the movies, and tried not to laugh. I cracked up, he busted out a grin, and I said, “I would hope at least I’d steal better movies.”

“Yes ma’am, now get that out of here! Those are some bad movies.”

So, if you ever want to take up shoplifting, use Olivia Newton-John as a cover.

16 comments:

Malnurtured Snay said...

Has the power of your new hair pigmentation caused you to demolish your bathroom door, though?

Shannon said...

Snay - I haven't tried, but now, I so totally have to see if red hair has made me more of a badass.

Malnurtured Snay said...

Just don't overdo it and tear a Shannon-shaped hole through the wall. That could be bad.

LiLu said...

I would LOVE to see a Shannon-shaped hole in your apartment. Just sayin'.

Shannon said...

Snay, LiLu - People would mistake it for a rabbit hole, and try to get to Wonderland.

Malnurtured Snay said...

If your apartment isn't Wonderland, is it at least Adventureland?

Malnurtured Snay said...

And, if not Adventureland ...

... is it Candyland?

[F]oxymoron said...

Dolemite? ... DOLEMITE! ....

You [F]ucking rock.

Shannon said...

Snay - More like Hippie Shoebox-Land.

Foxy - If I see a ghost, I'll cut the mutha f*cka!

FoggyDew said...

Kind of like being seen riding a moped, eh?

Shannon said...

Dew - By my standards, a moped would be pretty darn cool.

Justin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Justin said...

Nice. Your love for Xanadu is unrivaled.

You have red hair now? Sweet!

restaurant refugee said...

I am as [d]umbstruck as [f]oxy... Dolemeite... for reals? I would have been less embarrassed if I got busted with Forrest Hump.

Shannon said...

Justin - It's faded a little, but it's still giving me flashbacks to that time I let my friend Molly come at me with a bottle of Manic Panic.

Refugee - The perennial question: blaxploitation or porn? Now, Dolemite is quite raunchy, but I'd like to point out that the sight of Rudy Ray Moore in manties does NOT get me hot.

Zipcode said...

xanadu rules