Wednesday, April 15, 2009

For Once, It Was Hard to Write About Myself

Recently, I had to submit my bio for work. Considering I’ve spent the last six years expending copious amounts of bandwith on myself and my varying levels of awesome, this proved surprisingly challenging. I had no idea what to say.

So, today, I submit the (sadly, completely true) bio I wish I had written:

Shannon Stamey is our Administrative Ninja. Her duties include barking at vendors (when she isn’t requesting free ponies), making inappropriate editorial comments during staff meetings, and running every aspect of the known Universe.

She is on her third, or perhaps fourth, career. She started out as a secretary at a fancy hotel. Then she was a political consultant for a few years there, where she slept under her desk many nights and lived up to her Cherokee heritage by occasionally trading her cubicle for some shiny beads.

There was a wilderness year or two, when she inadvertently killed some minke whales. Consumed with guilt, she upped and married a near-stranger and moved to Bogota. There, Ms. Stamey specialized in newsletter editing, overly detailed festive party decorations, shopping, and daytime drinking.

She continued her illustrious career in Sarajevo, where she served as a Community Liaison Officer. Her most brilliant achievement was the Shot for a Shot Happy Hour, in which she encouraged her colleagues to receive flu shots by promising Jell-O shooters in return. Her other tasks included the invention of Sarajevo Rules Karaoke Revolution, ordering a divorce over the Internet, and achieving a level of depression spiral that she is still finds quite amazing. After all, why shower or sleep when there are 12-hour crying jags to be had?

After she crash-landed home, she took a part-time temp job as a file clerk at a government agency. She ran documents through a scanner, fooled the IG into believing all the required informational binders had actual contents, and occasionally left staples in the documents for the awesome screechy sound they would make. This job, and her continued apathy with regards to showering, inspired her to rename her blog, “Disaffected Scanner Jockey.”

Ms. Stamey has temped her way across the administrative offices of virtually every nonprofit in Washington. Her favorite assignment was two weeks of formatting boobs in a breastfeeding manual. For a period of several months, she could not look down while showering without picturing ducts, machinery, and properly positioned infants.

Ms. Stamey has a (still in the box, minty fresh) degree in Journalism from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Her Spanish language skills are rapidly deteriorating, but she has retained the entirety of her six-word Bosnian vocabulary.

Ms. Stamey is intermittently single and, to the relief of many, has no children. Her hobbies include falling off of things, orchestrating the social lives of her friends, and hugging pretty much anybody who will let her hug them. She showers daily.


[F]oxymoron said...

Writing a bio is boring, especially when self-deprecation is frowned upon.

Brett said...

I do hope you at least included the administrative ninja part. And the part about formatting boobs.

Just A Girl said...

This may be the best autobiography in the history of the world. Mine would be all "JAG hasn't accomplished much, but she is extremely good at using birth control, which is just excellent. Someday when she gets out of the $4378573 in debt she has, she plans to finish those last 17 credit hours and get a damn degree. The end."

Shannon said...

Foxy - I know! Really, if I can't make fun of myself, I get completely stuck.

Brett - I shall never, ever forget the boobs.

JAG - Ha! I'm pretty good with the birth control myself, however, every couple of years I have a pregnancy scare. Which is always attributable to the fact that I suck at math.

Malnurtured Snay said...

I had trouble writing my bio at work until the woman whose job it was to collect it came over and said, "If I have to write your bio, you'll be a child molester who was anally raped for ten years in jail and whose hobbies include stalking and mooning old ladies on the Metro."

Unsurprisingly, she had my bio five minutes later. Apparently I enjoy reading, writing, and spending time with my friends.

Anonymous said...

I think the world would appreciate a little more humor in those organizational bios. They are boring. Moreover, who wouldn't want to work with someone who has falling off of things as a hobby?

Shannon said...

Snay - I HATE reading, writing, and friends! We should totally hang.

Fiery Nuggets - the person involved a lumberjack? If so, falling down a lot would be a poor trait.

Fearless in Toronto said...

If I saw that bio on a conference flyer...I would definitely sign up for that session.

Shannon said...

Fearless - What sort of session would I teach, anyhow?

Malnurtured Snay said...

Shannon: "How not to harm yourself falling off bar stools 101."

lacochran said...

Your shower productivity level has increased dramatically! Most impressive.

Lemmonex said...

My bio was due today as well. It was really hard to make it sound like I actually do things here besides twitter, blog, and gchat.

My life is hard.

Shannon said...

Snay - I'd have to be the student, not the teacher, for that one.

Lacochran - It's among my proudest achievements. Next: DEODERANT!

Lemmonex - See, that's the point where you go for broke and claim you make the company's best paperclip chains.

Zipcode said...

If I could snark write my bio it would be hilarious.

I like the ninja part -- you would make a cute ninja.

Shannon said...

Zip - I'd make a badass ninja. And I should really have a prize of some sort - like, the hundreth person who calls me "cute" gets an ice cream cone.

bh said...

bh has worked on the hill, imparting knowledge for which nonprofits pay (poorly), but in reality, anybody who has compeleted 10th grade civics SHOULD know, like the definition of filibuster. He regularily engages in the Office Space maximum: In any given week, he only does 15 minutes of real, actual work. And he's late every day and sneaks in via the back stairway.

Velvet said...

I demand you add a line with a new nickname, using the "SS" of your initials as the beginning.

Shannon Stamey, also known as the "SS Boob Formatter."

Oh, the possibilities.

Shannon said...

bh - Well, that back stairway isn't going to keep itself company!

Velvet - Someday, I'll start a band called, "Boob Formatter."

Patty Duke said...

Speaking of falling off of things, my cousin once commented on my clumsiness, that I could make things fall over just by walking by them. Hmm, anyway...

jman said...

We know about your Bosnian but how is your Herzogovenian?

How does one cry for 12 hours? Were you like one of those fountains that recycle their water?

And ya know what? Showering is overrated. Anything you have to do over and over again just to keep in place can't be all that worthwhile. After all once you reach a certain level of grubbiness you can't get any grubbier.

Brennig said...

That is the awesomest of Bios, very neatly done.

Shannon said...

Patty - That's kinda like a mutant superpower!

jman - And why make the bed? It'll just get all rumpled again!

Brennig - Thanks!

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