Monday, April 27, 2009

A Date with Me, as Imagined by my OkCupid! Personality Awards

This week is all about preparation. Imagine a training montage set to soaring synthesizer music, in which I practice Slow Wallet Reaches, firm handshakes, changing names in my phone to Handsy McInsincere and I'm the Tooliest Tool Who Ever Tooled, and climbing out of ladies' room windows.

I even briefly considered dusting off the old online dating profile. OKCupid! has you answer a bunch of personality questions, then they place little icons on the bottom of your profile. These are called Personality Awards. My awards, however, are so incredibly and hilariously man-repellent that I may as well change my screen name to DaddyDoesn'tLoveMe or TickTockBiologicalClock.

Here they are:

More literary
More optimistic
More spiritual
More compassionate
More extroverted
Less dorky
Less ambitious
More well-mannered
Less kinky
Less interested in sex
More emotional


I'm trying to see the humor in this. OK, the humor is hitting me square across the jaw. If all those things were true, and taken literally, could you imagine what it would be like to go on a date with me?

First, we'd go to a book signing, most likely for a self-help book with a title like, Hugging Your Rainbow: How to Love Yourself When You're Not Really Worth It. On the way, I'd probably adopt a puppy and introduce myself to every homeless dude on the block. Afterwards, we'd go to a cool, trendy little coffee shop. But you'll have to pay, as my job as a greeter at the Wal-Mart doesn't pay very much. I'll drink tea with my pinky stuck out, and perhaps correct your posture.

Afterwards, I probably totally wouldn't put out. But, if I did, it would be missionary, lights out, and I'd definitely keep my shirt on. Then you'd have to hold me while I cry for a period of 45 to 60 minutes.

So maybe I'll stay away from the Internet for now. Especially since, shortly after I logged on, I received a message from a polyamorous dude in Waldorf. What makes it even more awesome? He was my SECOND polyamorous admirer from Waldorf.

What the hell is in the water out there?

27 comments:

Lemmonex said...

Wait, is it not customary to cry post coitus?! God damn, this is why I am single.

Malnurtured Snay said...

We actually have that book in the Self Help section, which, actually, isn't much help when you need it.

Shannon said...

Lem - Actually, what you're supposed to do is repeatedly prod the guy with your elbow, and say, "Tell me about your FEELINGS!"

Snay - If there really was a book called Hugging Your Rainbow, I would totally buy it.

Zipcode said...

those questions make me look like a sex fiend freak who likes whips. le sigh......

Shannon said...

Zip - I'd rather look like a sex fiend than Mary Poppins.

Zipcode said...

I don't know, I would totally trade with you

[F]oxymoron said...

You have two polyamorous admirers from Waldorf? I'm thinking they have a special love colony out there - road trip.

Shannon said...

Zip - What I wouldn't give for the "thongbutt" icon on my profile...

Foxy - You driving?

[F]oxymoron said...

I'm thinking astral travel. There's no Metro line to Waldorf, therefore it must exist in another world.

Besides, I sold my car over a year ago.

Shannon said...

Foxy - Just think polyamorous thoughts, click your heels twice, and suddenly...Waldorf!

Just A Girl said...

I signed up for Match on a whim and I'm already over it. I came, I looked, I curled up in the fetal position and cried because those guys are my options.

I'd still date you. MORE LITERARY IN MY MOUF!

I don't even know that means. At all. Jesus.

Ibid said...

There are plenty more fish in the sea.... if you like carp.

Shannon said...

JAG - Pick me up at 7?

Ibid - Minnows, nothing but minnows.

Fiery Nuggets said...

I can't believe there's even an option that would result in the assessment that you are "less interested in sex." Let's be honest here -- dating sites are out there because people want to have sex. Sure, they want to do it in a committed, supportive, healthy relationship, but it is all about sex at the core. Be real OK Cupid. You're a stupid cupid.

Fiery Nuggets said...

I can't believe there's even an option that would result in the assessment that you are "less interested in sex." Let's be honest here -- dating sites are out there because people want to have sex. Sure, they want to do it in a committed, supportive, healthy relationship, but it is all about sex at the core. Be real OK Cupid. You're a stupid cupid.

Shannon said...

Fiery - OKCupid! asks a bunch of user-submitted personality questions, about a third of which revolve around: do you put out on the first date/how much do you love one-night stands/casual sex rocks! agree or disagree?

I indicated "no" on all of the above, on the grounds that I've already been 23. That was enough to get me stamped with a Prude Award. It's lovely.

f.B said...

Post coital tears... bad?

I thought it was like when someone laughed so hard they cried. No?

Shannon said...

f.B....That was YOU?

bh said...

Charles County is ALLSOME!!!!!

I wonder if Polyamory and Jorts go together, because there's a lot of white hot jort action out there.

And mullets.

Patty Duke said...

Isn't missionary supposed to be romantic? When I take my shirt off, my boobs get in the way.

Shannon said...

bh - White Hot Jort Action is the name of our next imaginary rock band!

Patty - When I take my shirt off, the blinding whiteness of my skin can be seen from outer space.

lacochran said...

Less dorky? Them's fighting words.

And where is your cuddly icon? You are cuddly, fergawdssake.

I'm beginning to think OKCupid may be a little off...

Shannon said...

Lacochran - I'm like a fluffy prudish bunny!

LiLu said...

Can I have the puppy when you're through with it?

Shannon said...

LiLu - Actually, I was going to eat the puppy, then give you the bones. I have a More Puppy Eater icon on my profile -- fangs covered in puppy blood.

Alice said...

this totally makes me want to sign up for okcupid! to see what kind of depressing awards i'd get. i'm guessing "more likely to dump you first" and "more into mocking you than you actually enjoy." i can't wait!

Shannon said...

Alice - Do it! If you get the elusive, "More Radcliffe-y" you'll have to tell us all about it!