Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I Might Be an Amnesiac Stripper


When I visit people's homes, I tend to leave little pieces of myself behind. And not just pieces of my heart, or the final shards of my dignity.

No, I have possession leprosy. I have shed something I own at virtually every gathering I've ever attended. Umbrellas. Xanadu. Jewelry. Tupperware. Or, most often, articles of clothing, like shawls, sweaters, or socks. I spend my weekend afternoons revisiting the scenes of my various crimes, recovering my scattered belongings.

I'm starting to wonder what this really means. See, I'm obsessively organized, and I tend to freak out a little when I can't find something. I'm not at all forgetful by nature. And I don't think I'm attempting to move in with any of my friends so incrementally that they don't notice until I haul in the sofa.
Maybe there's something I'm not telling myself, and I think I know what it is:

I'm moonlighting as an amnesiac exotic dancer.

That must be why I get invited to so many parties! I take a shot or two of some kind of CIA memory-erasing medicine, shake my money maker, earn just enough for my cab fare home, and roll out of there. Or maybe one of my friends is secretly my stripper-pimp, and is skimming a little too much off the top. Because, at the very least, I ought to find the occasional stray dollar bill in my underpants. (That is, if I remembered to take my underpants home with me.)

In the comments, admit it. You're my stripper-pimp.

20 comments:

Malnurtured Snay said...

Maybe you're marking your territory? Like a cat, but with property instead of urine.

Lemmonex said...

I am your stripper pimp. I have the perfect pimp name..and pimp slap. 180 degrees, baby.

Shannon said...

Snay - Ew. And that would explain why I leave one or two things everywhere to go.

Lem - Pimp Slap? More like Pimp Spooner.

Hammer said...

Your socks, accessories and unmentionables are strewn all over MAH TRUK, and yet I haven't received an iota of financial windfall. Please explain.

Gilahi said...

Do you think there's any possibility at all that the reason you do this is because you weigh about 80 pounds and, at least on Saturday night, you drank enough to incapacitate a bull elephant?

Shannon said...

Hammer - It's because Lemmonex is skimming off the top...of both the profits, and my wardrobe.

Gilahi - A very small and adorable bull elephant, I hope. Actually, even if I am not drinking at all, I always forget at least one item. I even do this at christenings!

Gilahi said...

Oh yeah. Totally adorable. I'm just jealous that someone of your stature and build could drink me under the table, that's all.

Shannon said...

Gilahi - I have a hollow leg where I hide all my beer.

[F]oxymoron said...

... please, please... blogosphere, baby powder my hand. I gots work to do.


(Wasn't there just a bunch of news about a person who claimed to be an amnesiac sexer?)

bh said...

It's true. I am your pimp. Unfortunately, with earnings down this quarter, I'm gonna have to let you go. Security will observe you while you collect your thong, pasties, and glitter and escort you out the dancer's entrance.

Shannon said...

Foxy - It's probably a good thing that I didn't quite understand your last comment. Also, maybe that's why OKCupid! gave me that Prude Award.

bh - Do I at least get a box to carry out my stuff? Though, all those items are pretty small...I could probably just use a jewelry box or something.

justjp said...

I would like to find money in my pants too!

Shannon said...

jp - Party with me, turn a profit.

Patty Duke said...

I make it a practice of having Brad and George ( last names are not important) inspect your thong for dollar bills.

In order to get your memory back , you have to relive the stripper parties in reverse.

Shannon said...

Patty - Where would they even fit? The dollar bills, not Brad and George. Minds out of the gutter!

FoggyDew said...

Still have one of your ikea bowls sitting on my counter. I'd pay real American dollars to see Lem in one of your outfits. To this day I'm still amazed at your ability to drink. Must have something to do with your Aussie-Cherokee genetics.

Shannon said...

Foggy - Don't forget I'm also part German. Also, I own a bowl from Ikea?

f.B said...

I don't usually self-identify in mixed company. But I am your stripper pimp and I haven't seen Saturday's profit. You holding out on me?

Shannon said...

f.B - Justin gave me a lift home Saturday...you may wanna check his glove compartment for your money.

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