Friday, April 10, 2009

Easter Is Creepy

Easter is a bit like Mulholland Drive, speed dating, and leggings. Not that Naomi Watts would ever speed-date in leggings, it's just that...I don't get it. I get the religious aspects (yay, Jesus!), I just don't understand...

1. The Easter Bunny. I would never take candy from a strange lagomorph. There was a man in one of those giant bunny costumes at my Metro stop the other morning. It was really skeevy, especially with those cold, dead, plastic eyes. I hated the false good cheer of his pastel bow-tie.

Conclusion: I could never be a furry. Also, the Easter Bunny is creepy with a capital FREAK.

2. Those plastic eggs. They make me think of tiny little alien pods, about to unleash a master race of thumb-sized conquering Liberaces.
Conclusion: Just give me the candy.

3. Dyeing Easter eggs. This was one of those things we never did at my house, as my mom attributed it to American inefficiency. Why go to the effort of tarting up something you plan on eating, anyway?

Conclusion: I was in my mid-20s before I stopped eating the garnishes at upscale restaurants.

4. Easter Ham. If it came from a pig, I don't need a special occasion to eat it.

Conclusion: I shouldn't have had mac and cheese with a side of fries last night. I should have had a side of ham.

Oh, there are things I like about Easter. Buying myself a new frock, but never quite making it to church. Church lady hats. Cadbury Creme Eggs. Jesus. Candy, and lots of it. Watching my then-boyfriend's nieces collide in a frantic Easter Egg hunt. And, of course, candy.

In the comments, try to soothe my squeamishness.

19 comments:

Malnurtured Snay said...

Bunny porn scares me.

justjp said...

When I think of the Easter Bunny, Donnie Darko pops in my head. I have issues.

Shannon said...

Snay - But do they breed like rabbits?

justjp - I think of the Bunnyman Bridge, but that's just because I've never seen Donnie Darko.

Just A Girl said...

Nah JP, I think the same thing. I never got that. I asked if I could sit on the easter bunny's lap at the mall last weekend. They just gave me a dirty look and said no.

Shannon said...

JAG - See, I could never sit on a bunny's lap. Especially not a big bunny, with dead, cold, plastic eyes...*shudder*

Gilahi said...

Oh, they're not so scary. They give my friend Harvey somebody else to chat with.

lacochran said...

I still eat the garnish. Mmmm, parsley.

Shannon said...

Gilahi - ....Harvey?

Lacochran - Just so long as you don't drink from the fingerbowls.

WordNerd said...

The Easter Song will explain everything!

http://www.paulandstorm.com/lyrics/the-easter-song/

Or maybe not. But seriously, my hit-or-miss religious education gave me an understanding of Easter that's pretty much on par with this song.

Gilahi said...

"Harvey". Jimmy Stewart movie. Maybe one of the best movies ever of all time. If you're not familiar with it, I won't spoil it for you, but if you see it you'll get the comment. I'll wait.

Patty Duke said...

I shouldn't have had mac and cheese with a side of fries last night. I should have had a side of ham.

Now you are talking. Throw in some collards with that please.

New frocks are niiice. I think some black patent pumps (4inches) would do nice also. While I'm dreaming, make them Louboutin.

Velvet said...

You know what's odd about that mac and cheese with fries? You kept offering the fries to everyone and they all just shrugged. But then when you went to the potty, everyone dove in. I wonder why we were too polite to do it in front of you?!?

Shannon said...

WordNerd - Now I'm thinking about creepy plastic grass, which I'd totally forgotten to rant about.

Gilahi - I'm supposed to watch it now and report back?

Patty - I have a pair of four-inch patent heels! I love anything patent leather.

Velvet - And I just thought the fry gnomes had come for a visit.

Gilahi said...

I posted about "Harvey" nearly a year ago. The post won't spoil it for you, I hope, but seriously if you ever get a chance to see it, I'd recommend it. I think it might appeal to your rather, um, unique world view.

And I know you can't help it if you look like you're still in high school, but you might as well expect the occasional homework assignment.

Patty Duke said...

I have 3 or 4 pair of patent leather shoes. And I want more. Are you me?

Shannon said...

Gilahi - Fair point. I'll watch it after homeroom.

Patty - I dunno, are YOU ME? Are am I YOU? OR ARE WE ALL THE SAME?

Patty Duke said...

Have a nice HH and weekend.

LiLu said...

Something tells me this won't cure your squeaminess, but I have to do it...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JDHB-19-ZrU

bh said...

Ever since I saw the CSI with the people that put on furry costumes and dry hump, Easter has freaked me out.