Thursday, August 07, 2008

The Real Mystery of Captain Underpants

Yesterday, a man emailed me a photo of himself in a wife beater and tighty-whities, with his face blurred out. This sort of thing happens to me a lot.

I’m used to receiving the arty shirtless pics, and weenie-cam, and plenty of other forms of Internet skeeviness. But this particular photo freaked me out completely.
Here’s why: I couldn’t figure out who took the picture.

Did Captain Underpants ask his roommate to take it? “Dude, I need you to take a photo of me. Hold on a sec, I've gotta sprawl seductively on this bed in my briefs.” Or he had a friend come over to help him out. Maybe they made a man-date of it, taking turns lounging about in their underwear and snapping photos. Then, to counteract the potential gayness of the whole enterprise, they went out to a strip club or to beat up some nerds.

Or, more likely, he used a tripod and a timer. Fiddle, fiddle, punch some buttons, dash over to the bed, and get into a supine position before the timer goes off. I bet he had a whole photo shoot, and got in an awesome workout from all the dashing about.

Aw, hell, I just figured out the most likely photographer of all: his wife.

Any man who tells you he can “host,” at a hotel, in Reston, and sends out a blurry-faced photo of himself is most assuredly married.

30 comments:

Gilahi said...

My digital camera has a remote control. I can line up the shot on a tripod and then snap the photo from anywhere. I've taken a couple of self-portraits this way, but I was always fully clothed when I did. The remote is tiny. It would be easy to hide it somewhere for photo purposes.

Shannon said...

Gilahi, that sounds like the ideal technological advance for a pervo in the know.

Lemmonex said...

Yeah, I have definitely had my roommate take artfully suggestive pictures of me. She is cool like that.

Seriously, how the hell am I gonna get my new roomie to take pictures of me sprawled out on my bed in black lace? I will take suggestions.

Anonymous said...

Nothing of the sort has ever happened to me. I don't know whether to be flattered or insulted.

Clio

Jo said...

Wow. That's super creepy and also hilarious.

Shannon said...

Lemmonex, bribe her with baked goods. Or offer to take her photo.

Clio, I'm not sure, either. But you're more than welcome to Tighty Whitey Guy. He can HOST, y'all.

Shannon said...
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charlotteharris said...

no doubt... married! you should have sent him back a pic of "yourself" (random pic of male in hus underwear that you find on google images, of course)

Shannon said...

"That's super creepy and also hilarious."

Much like life, Jo. Much like life.

Shannon said...

Charlotte - even better would be if I knew the guy, and could email him back with...a photo of his wife. That would RULE.

FoggyDew said...

Shannon, gotto post the pictre for all of us to properly ridicule.

C'mon, Lem, you were so close to becoming the first two-time Threadskanker with the "sprawled in black lace" comment. I think if you got rid of the black lace you'd be a shoe-in.

Shannon said...

Dew, is it possible to threadskank a pre-skanked post? I mean, I'm talking about naked people here.

I'm not posting the photo. Sorry, I have a rule about not posting confidential emails. Even when I'd really, really like to. But I'll forward the heck out of that email - any requests? Lemmonex had her eyeballs scalded yesterday and lived to tell the tale.

Tina said...

Speechless - I'm simply speechless. I've never had any pervy guys bug me on line. I'm not sure that is a good thing though, since I seem to attract stalkers in the real world all too often.

FoggyDew said...

I think it's definitely possible to take a pre-skanked post to a higher level of skankitude. Absolutely doable.

Lemmonex said...

Yes, my black lace is DELICATE. Don't worry--many more threads to skank in the future.

I loved yesterdays email you sent me--please forward this one, dear. I heart tighty whities.

Shannon said...

Tina, I find stalkers everywhere I go. It's a talent.

Dew - fine, Lem's a threadskanker. But as she did so with classy lingerie, we'll let her slide.

Lemmonex - Dude, I'm impressed you even survived. Nothing like a little unsolicited nudity to make the day go by faster.

brandonsavage said...

Wow. On behalf of the entire male species I have to say this guy does *not* speak for us. At least, the decent ones of us.

Shannon said...

Brandon, I know most guys are nice. But the bad ones tend to be very, very bad.

And now both Arjewtino and Lemmonex have seen the famous photo. And survived! So if you'd like to see it, too, please send your request to mybrilcareer@yahoo.com. Barf bag optional.

Lance said...

have you ever gotten a picture of a guy you migh legitimately want to hook up with, shannon?

enquiring minds want to know.

LivitLuvit said...

It makes it so much better that it's tighty whities. Automatic skeeze factor of at least 8.

Ibid said...

The best response would be to send him a picture of you dressed in a parka.

Why are people sending you pictures of themselves in their underwear?

Shannon said...

Lance, I've dated guys I met online, sure. But "hook up" in the sense of what this guy was getting at? No way.

LivitLuvit - really, the tighties are the best part of the whole debacle.

Shannon said...

Ibid - because I LOVE underwear, apparently.

Daniel said...

Wow... This sure the heck beats the various body parts involved in the emails my female roommate used to get on match.... And the fact that a) actually took effort to make and b) he choose to wear 2 of the most unfortunate male underwear items.

Shannon said...

Daniel, really, it was dead sexy. Though I came up with the perfect post title, about 10 hours after I posted this: Preying Manties.

Manties - Man Panties.

BatesHorn said...

Awesomeness.

I think I saw a rant and raves once where a female poster said something to the effect of: If you going to take pictures of your junk, keep your gross man feet out of the picture.

Shannon said...

Bates - yeah, I didn't get any weenie-cam, but I did get some skeevies in their skivvies.

Zipcode said...

Shannon - for some reason since this whole online dating, some guys like to send me pictures of their wangs - ewww - really save that for the 3rd or 4th date, or whatever the current rule of dating booty is.

Underpants - if you need another guest blogger post on types of pantyloons that are acceptable and not acceptable for the menfolk to wear, please let me know - will be more g rated then the manscaping post haha - I think I scared restaurant with that one.

Shannon said...

Zip - a wang-o-gram would have actually been better. As for manly underwear - boxers. Unless you're very fit, in which case you can get away with boxer briefs. No briefs, and for teh love of all that is holy, no man-thongs!

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