Monday, August 04, 2008

I Am Karma's Little Spartan Boy

A few weekends ago, I was out feeding the homeless. Um, I was painting an inspirational mural while doing calisthenics and rehabilitating a spotted owl with a broken wing. I also helped a couple of old ladies across the street.

FINE, you got me. I was sitting on a stool, drinking beer, in a bar of questionable repute. Same thing I do every weekend (when I'm not running my black market baby business).

As D.C. is a small world after all, the bartender was an old friend I’d lost track of a few (OK, many) years ago. I’d turned 24 and realized Adams Morgan was the grossest place in the whole entire known Universe, so I stopped seeing him at work. Meanwhile, he’d lost my phone number. And then I ran off to South America and the Balkans for a while, so I could learn about bulletproof commuter vans, landmines and meat pies. As you do.


When I ran into him, I gave him a cheerful round of hell for losing my number. How do you lose track of a very loud person with an uncommon last name? Who, at the time, had a listed number, and the only other person with that last name in town was her sister?


So he scribbled his number on a slip of paper, I tucked the paper into my purse, and we made plans to hang out and catch up.


Three guesses what I did with the number.

No, I didn’t use it to call him so we could hang out. I didn’t passive-aggressively put up any sort of “for a good time call” writing on any bathroom walls. Either of those, especially the first, would have been way cooler than what I actually did.


The problem is a friend of much longer standing. Her name is Karma. She likes to play merry hell with me. And Karma is at her wittiest when I make fun of people. If I mock someone, she has me make a spectacular fool of myself in one way or another.


Just this morning, I was laughing at anyone dumb enough to be caught looking at porn at work. Then I Googled a local hauling service, amusingly named “Junk in the Trunk,” and wound up with page after page of naked and be-thonged booty, on my work computer. And did I mention I sit in the reception area? Where everyone can see me? Lesson learned, dude. I won’t be making fun of on-the-job porn freaks any more, as I am apparently their queen.

But let's go back to the phone number. Karma clearly had no choice: not one hour after I got the number, she tucked it into the wrong part of my wallet, and my cab driver got a generous tip (including one free phone number!).

Yeah, I’m that cool. And if you’re the friend I was supposed to call, sorry. I’m sending a search party your way.

22 comments:

restaurantrefugee said...

I am glad that you acknowledge that Karma, in all of her cruelty and wicked humor, must be a woman.

Shannon said...

Refugee - Of course she's a she. Karma is far too clever to be a man!

brandonsavage said...

I'm a man and that's exactly what I expected would happen from the moment I read the headline and the "gave him hell..." line...

Lemmonex said...

How come it never works the other way around? I have prayed that men lose my number, to no avail...

Shannon said...

Brandon, are you saying the spontaneity is gone from our relationship?

Lemmonex, the trick is for YOU to get THEIR number - then hand it to me for safekeeping.

Zipcode said...

Karma is a good friend of mine these days, as I got to witness wonderful payback on late Friday - now I get to New York and Brazil for work - yay me.

anyway - for the lovely lemm - fake numbers are always a good thing.

Shannon said...

Zip, Karma and I have a tempestuous relationship. I could cook and eat a dozen kittens, kick a hundred puppies, and steal candy from a million babies. Karma won't bat an eyelash. But the second I make fun of someone, karma makes me act like an idiot. Down with karma!

brandonsavage said...

Shannon, sorry darling, but your post *was* fairly predictable. After all, what else could karma do? So really, the spontaneity is gone from our relationship with karma. Blame her.

LivitLuvit said...

One of us needs to sleep with Karma's boyfriend Irony so they break up and stop working so damn well together...

Shannon said...

Brandon - Karma, always wrecking our love.

Livit - Ha! I think Irony's pretty hot, so I'll take one for the team there.

LivitLuvit said...

Yeah... I would, but I'm afraid he'd "turn it around" on me somehow... get it... Does that even make sense? Is it Friday yet?

HomeImprovementNinja said...

The ancient greeks used to warn people about "tempting the fates". Well, that and vigourous anol sex, so take it for what it's worth.

Lemmonex said...

What is anol sex? I need to try that one...

Shannon said...

Livit - if I say that you're making sense to me, then I'm admitting that I sit at my desk all day and drink bourbon. Which may or may not be true.

Ninja - which is why I'm karma's Spartan boy. Those Greeks knew EVERYTHING.

Lemmonex - it's sex with the first person eliminated from a spelling bee.

brandonsavage said...

Shannon, I'm too young for you anyway. It wasn't meant to be. I think Destiny had something to do with that. Sorry dear!

Shannon said...

Brandon - Destiny, that mean jerk! Well, don't you worry, according to Urban Dictionary there are only 3 years and 3 months left before we can properly refer to me as a cougar.

brandonsavage said...

Excellent. Well, would you mind posting a list of the nightclubs you frequent so I can be sure to avoid them? That'd be swell. ;-)

Shannon said...

Apparently, Brandon, I hang out in swingers' clubs. So don't swing, and you'll be perfectly safe.

Shannon said...

Oh, and the Ninja is today's Threadskanker, for coining the term "anol sex."

Ibid said...

It's hot, I'm tired, and tonight's movie isn't doing anything for me. Maybe we'll see each other at Screen on the Green's "Superman" show next week.

Ibid said...

Anol sex
Derived from the term "Anole"
It involved sex while a particular breed of small lizard is trying to escape ones rectum.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anole

Shannon said...

Ibid - well, FINE, I won't look for a guy with a parrot, then.

And that is DISGUSTING. Ninja, the ancient Greeks can keep their vigorous lizard sex.