Thursday, August 14, 2008

Get Out of My Dreams...

...and get into my grocery cart. I received the following message from a college friend:
You were in this weird dream I had last night. For some reason, a few of us were hanging out at the grocery store. Then, I won a $100 shopping spree somehow. I went to the bathroom and you did the shopping spree in my place and didn't even
buy me anything. Anyhow, just thought I'd let you in on it.

Wow. When men dream of me, they imagine me as a greedy little grocery-stealer. Other women cavort naked across the subconscious worlds of men, or sometimes they’ll wear naughty nurse uniforms or leather getups. I, however, have a dream-self who is not only not hot, she’s fundamentally unreliable and selfish. This is awesome.

The only way this dream could have been better is if I’d spent the entire $100 on feminine hygiene products.

So, boys, look for me in your fertile imaginations and nighttime wanderings. I won’t be the one draping myself across a conference table in a sexy secretary outfit. I’ll be the one stealing your cars, eating your sandwiches, breaking your TVs, raping your goats and de-alphabetizing your record collections.

44 comments:

lacochran's evil twin said...

LOL! That's fantastic.

By the way, I dreamed about you, too. You were doing my taxes.

The beauty part for your friend is that there's no real ownership... "I didn't say you were selfish, it was just a dream!" :)

I once had a married coworker, that I didn't know very well, tell me he dreamed about me the night before and I was in a teddy. I would have been really creeped out except that he was so unbelievably uncomfortable telling me about it that I truly believe he told me just to rid himself of the guilt! He turned bright red and apologized between every sentence.

Count your blessings. :)

Zipcode said...

that is freaking hilarious and I love how you used the whole Billy Ocean thing.

Ya know whats funny, I have you pictured as this: a tiny little 5'2 blonde haired blue eyed girl - am I correct? I can't dream of ya lol -
I am still giggling at this post. You rock

FoggyDew said...

What I want to know is why is he (I'm assuming it's a he) dreaming of hanging out at the grocery store? And, what is this "record collection" thing you speak of?

Ibid said...

MY RECORDS! NOOOO!


When women dream about me (and admit it) they picture me zipping down the sidewalk on my Segway, using a hill as a ramp, and flying over the security fence around the base.

Shannon said...

LaTwin - the funniest part is that my friend was extremely apologetic about the whole thing.

Zip - I can dream about you, if I can't hold you tonight...and, no, I'm not blond.

Foggydew, I once had a dream where I was playing with toy soldiers under a conference table. So grocers aren't THAT weird by comparison.

Ibid - throw in a parrot on your shoulder and a giant golf umbrella, and you're all set.

Shannon said...

Also, LaTwin, considering I never got higher than a C in math, I promise I will never do your taxes.

Shannon said...
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Ibid said...

I'm the techno-wizard answer to Mary Poppins.

I don't suppose you spotted me at "Superman" on Monday.

Shannon said...

Ibid - no, but Foggydew and I were sitting right near some young blond chippies in Superman outfits. They were, um, distracting. To say the least.

Zipcode said...

Threadskanking time -- playing with soldiers under a conference table would be fun for me - ha! Not the toy variety.

BH said...

Althought I tend to dream of you running errands for me: Gasing up the family truckster, buying groceries, picking up crayons at Target, fertilizer at Home Depot, I will try and spice it tonight:

Running errands, in a French Maid outfit.

Your welcome.

FoggyDew said...

Distracting? I think not.

I'd have been more than happy to join one or two of them in a phone booth...

Shannon said...

Zip - I think we all know what YOU'LL be dreaming of tonight!

BH - How do you know I don't run errands in a French maid getup?

Foggydew - You didn't want all three chippies? And I'm sorry Zipcode beat you to the Threadskank.

Zipcode said...

lol 2 threadskankers in one day - hey kevin what about a compromise - wait I will stop this almost turned into threadxxxskank but how funny this image in my mind is playing right now ha

Anonymous said...

I'll confess, I'm the one with the dream about Shannon. I find that my subconscious mind tends to be very mundane but often with a bizarre twist, like in a Dali painting. It rarely gets into the exotic realm but it does tend to include at least one other person, often someone I don't get to hang out with regularly.

I in no way have pictured Shannon stealing from me in the conscious world. However, in the "other realm", she seems to be a little shady.

But I didn't say you weren't "hot stuff"....ssssssss.....sizzle.

Lemmonex said...

I had a dream about some kid from my high school recently. I haven't seen him, talked to him, or thought about him in 10 years. His locker was next to mine though...maybe my brain is trying to "unlock" some sort of truth?

Anonymous said...

Also, if I REALLY have to go to the bathroom but I'm dreaming, I usually work it into the plot of my dream. Cmon, I can't be the only one.

Michael J. West said...

The whole scenario of this post didn't cross over into surreal until you said "I'll be the one...de-alphabetizing your record collections."

YOU? De-alphabetizing record collections?

You de-alphabetizing ANYTHING?

You're far more likely to come into my dreams, see that my record collection is already out of order, and set about RE-alphabetizing it.

Shannon said...

Zip - any combination Superman/soldier fantasy will do for a threadskank.

Anon Dreamer - Aw, thanks. And, for the record, the real me is pretty shady too. For instance, I used to use your shampoo when we were roommates.

Lem - or you were thinking about your prior self.

MJWest - I'm a bit of an organizational dominatrix in your dreams, huh?

Anonymous said...

That's OK. I used your deodorant and occasionally touched the fabric of your pajamas.

Shannon said...

Anon - I used to WEAR your pajamas.

Anonymous said...

Everyone knows I sleep in the buff.

[F]oxymoron said...

You may not be draping yourself across a conference table in a sexy secretary outfit, but seriously, what man doesn’t dream of you building a ToFu-man during a blizzard of Old Bay… in a sexy elf costume.

Shannon said...

Anon - which is exactly why I stayed the hell out of your room.

Foxy - snort. There's some sexy imagery there. So long as I'm not eating my own foot, we're ok.

Shannon said...
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Zipcode said...

oh no we are eating foots again - nooooooooooooooooooooooo

restaurantrefugee said...

In additino to the de-alphabetziation, and goat raping, don't forget stripping the gears of the brand new penile compensatory device aka sportscar.

Shannon said...

Zip - Let's go! I'll even foot the bill. Heh.

Refugee - Is THAT how I show up in your dreams?

Marissa said...

ZING! Rape joke! You win!

Shannon said...

Marissa - what, you don't rape goats?

Zipcode said...

oh here come the foot jokes - seriously - you need your own show like Chelsea Handler

Ibid said...

After a few drinks the goat are usually pretty willing.

Shannon said...

Zip - Don't you mean Chelsea Footler? Oh, come on, that was way too easy.

Ibid - Goats are SUCH tramps.

Zipcode said...

lmao omg I am going to be your agent, I want 30 percent!

Anonymous said...

How can you tell if a goat is saying "no"?

HP said...

Those are pretty much all the things that I do to men in real life (minus the goat raping which is soooo year 35 BC). My influence must be rubbing off on you (insert maniacal cackle).

Shannon said...

Zip - 10 percent and free beer, and you've got a deal.

Anon - Goats rarely say no, but they might tell you it's a baaaaaaaaad idea.

HP - No wonder I had to re-alphabetize my CDs the last time you came over!

Justin said...

I'm still blown away that Billy Ocean is black

Shannon said...

Justin - I'm just blown away that there's a Billy Ocean. I'd heard of the Atlantic, Pacific, Indian, and so on...but a Goat Ocean? Wow!

brandonsavage said...

Shannon, darling, you mustn't do this to me! Here I am, on the metro, reading your blog on my cell phone, and I suddenly burst out in laughter. Then I read the comments and almost roll in the isles. I'm sure someone must have been calling Metro Transit Police on their phone because I was having far too good a time. I would have had a hard time explaining THAT to my boss!

Shannon said...

Sorry Brandon. At least comment threads devolve into goat sex nowadays, which is WAY classier than pubes.

Anonymous said...

There are pube threads and I wasn't consulted? Wait, that sounds gross...

Shannon said...

Anon - indeed, GROSS! Check out the Leave it to Beaver? post in greatest hits...that set off a firestorm of pube posts.

lacochran said...

Maybe we both better stick to TurboTax. :)