When the universe is trying to tell me something, it prefers shouting, waving of arms, semaphore, smoke signals, and perhaps a few neon signs. This is good, as I am dense. How dense? I had to be told Spinal Tap wasn't a real band.Yesterday, I ran into a former temp job colleague on the Metro. The subtext of the conversation was that I was replaced within five minutes, and nobody ever missed me at all. This was the culmination of a week in which the universe walloped me in the head with lessons of irrelevance and interchangeability.
This should feel horrible, after all, who wants to be told they aren’t the super special child of a glorious and just universe? Why wouldn't I want to picture the people of my previous lives, weeping and clutching photographs of me? Why wouldn't I want to imagine life grinding to a halt without my amazing presence?
Clearly, I need a lesson in humility. And perhaps I could have some fun with how easy it is to swap myself out.
Secretary Shannon could be swapped out for a recording which says, “Thank you for your call. We are happy with all of our current vendors, and please do add us to your Do Not Call list.”
Friend Shannon could be replaced with a lever device that repeatedly picks up a glass of beer, and an intermittent recording which says, “Hey! Dude! Y’all! The hell? Indeed!”
Home Chef Shannon could be replaced by a gallon of melted cheddar cheese and first aid instructions on what to do in the event of a heart attack.
And Blogger Shannon could be replaced with Ikea furniture assembly instructions. “Insert stupid action by self/others into Slot A, place screw in pithy observation Slot B, attach pathetic/sarcastic bid for attention Slot C. Congratulations! You have built a Disaffected Scanner EXPEDIT.”
Really, I should set all of these up and just take the rest of August off. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be German.
In the comments, embrace your irrelevance and tell me how you could be replaced.
40 comments:
two things:
Lance Cristal can never be replaced, and
what do you mean Spinal Tap isn't a real band? i have 'smell the glove' on CD.
yeah I have the movie
Zipcode can never be replaced either -
Lance - did you buy the follow-up album, Break Like the Wind?
Zipcode - Indeed, no you cannot be replaced.
as far as i am concerned, there is no follow-up album. once you've reached perfection with the likes of 'sex farm woman' and 'big bottom', there is no reason to keep going.
Spinal Tap is not just a real band, they are one of those wonderful examples of life imitating art imitating life! There is nothing more real. Or maybe less real. Anyway, it's a confusing and never ending mobeius strip that goes to eleven.
Lance - Sex Farm Woman, harbinger of the Sophomore Slump.
Jamie - Welcome back! My pining for your comments goes to eleven.
I would be replaced with a running video of me in a Chotchkie's uniform, banging my head against a wall in a cube farm. Oh, and there would be a sock monkey. You know, for warmth and comfort and shit. And it would be drunk.
Can you tell work is driving me crazy today?
I honestly don't think I could be replaced and not for any good reason, I just talk too damned much and make constant comments about everything.
ha at sock monkey
I saw we have a Spinal Tap party!
LivLuv - I totally want to start a band called Drunken Sock Monkey.
Jo - so, an editorializing parrot?
Zipcode - and I'll perform the spinal taps!
I can be replaced. But it would be difficult.
A friend in KC was looking to move here after his recent divorce. I was going to try to get him hired in my office so there would be a backup Ibid so I wouldn't have absolutely everything dumped in my lap.
The way to seem vital is to make sure the other people in your department are so incompetent that nobody wants to work with them.
Don't feel bad about being replaced as a temp. Isn't the whole point of hiring a temp to do the work that anyone can do but nobody wants to?
Shan - start the band I can do vocals and guitar - lets hook this up - thats hilarious
Ibid - they should still be grieving over how much fun and joy and light I bring to the office! Darnit.
Zip - We'll have to get my sister to play her sparkly silver drumkit, and I'll play the triangle.
bahaha triangle - then you need to get some shiny leather pants to wear
As the newly self appointed business manager for Drunken Sock Monkey I need an immediate list of your drugs du jour, your preference in non illegal sustenance and which of the men desparate to get back stage are fawning groupies and which are stalkers so I can inform security. Next tour starts in October. Get your lazy asses into the studio.
Zip - I used to own shiny red pleather pants. Mr. West can verify that.
Tina - The cute ones are groupies, the ugly ones are stalkers. Right, Zip?
Oh, and Drunken Sock Monkey totally need a bassist. Anybody play bass?
No, but I can wail on the electric trout.
Zip just wants angry hate sex - I have a preference for bad boys!
My drugs of choice are Dr. Pepper and Ho-Ho's thanks Since I will be in the NYC next week and throughout September I will try and get us a record deal, maybe Diddy will give us a show like Making the Band 5
Ibid - I can rock the Big Mouth Billy Bass. This band is going to be AWESOME.
Zip - you can have the tattooed angry ones, I'll take the sweet artsy ones. Deal?
Oh, and my drugs of choice are beer, Slim Jims and bad ideas.
Aww but what would we do without our Shannon?
Ikea instructions could never be as ridiculous as your life!
I could be replaced with a cup of coffee, a 5th of Jack and a Lynyrd Skynyrd album...
Brandon - clearly, you don't have as much stuff from Ikea as I do.
Lemmonex - Now, if I mixed together the coffee and Jack, and spun around while listening to Skynrd...ok, that might work as an equivalent!
I could be replaced by, well, just about anything. Except for my daughters, and there I'm golden. I'm the best ever. Try and top that.
Zipcode replaced me. Zipcode is the biker loving, Poison rocking, online dating Velvet of 2006.
They were tough shoes to fill...
No, love, not the cheese. Not for me. But the rest ...? Hard to say. I wouldn't take the new technology menace to heart, however. There will always be room for people.
Foilwoman - ah, genetic continuity, the great guarantee! Think my houseplant could replace me? :)
Velvet - more like Ass-Kicking Boots to fill.
Michael - There will always be room for people...to serve the robot overlords.
Velvet is my hero - these are tough boots to fill literally.
Who's playing the cowbell? Every band needs more cowbell!
Zip - Especially since Velvet filled them with cement.
Foggy - why, YOU ARE, of course!
Yeeeessss!
I got a fever and the only thing that will cure it is more cowbell!
Work J would be replaced by the Wal-Mart Smiley face. It could just float in mu cube and tell people how everything is rolling back. People would assume it was just another weird joke and move on.
Family J would be replaced by my 6 year old niece. She looks/talks like me and since my sister has 3 other kids her absence would go unnoticed.
I have been replaced by the faceless businessman in a bowler hat.
Foggy - so we have a singer/guitarist, a triangle player, an electric trout player, and now a cowbellist. All we need is a tambourine, and we'll be quite the rock n' roll freakshow.
J - Clearly, you've given this a lot of thought...planning on leaving the country or something?
Refugee - spooky!
cool so foggy is like the only guy in the band - thats hot - he has his own harem of women now ha
Not quite --- Ibid is playing the electric trout!
Somehow, some way, the electric trout sounds just a little ... suggestive...
yeah but a guy with a cowbell is kind of hot
Trouts and cowbells, SEXY!
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