Wednesday, August 27, 2008

I Swear This Isn't Turning Into a Dating Blog

I hadn’t had my ego crushed all to hell lately, so I decided to attempt online dating.

Plan A was Craigslist, which a friend of mine refers to as my “Boyfriend Netflix.” This is because I found two boyfriends in a row from that site. However, this time my options seemed to be limited to men who send me photos of themselves in their underpants. Or men who ordinarily live in Rome, but would love to mercilessly critique my writing and possibly buy me some lingerie.

So I tried OKCupid, which is also free. The good news stops there.

For starters, OKCupid has the annoying habit of trying to fix me up with my friends. It’s like an online version of my mother.

Also, the men of OKCupid have some of the worst reading comprehension skills of any men, anywhere, on the Internet. I live in DC. I say, in my profile, that I do not have a car. So, if you live in Leesburg, and somehow get through life in the exurbs without a car, how do you propose we date one another? Also, Exurb + No Car = DUI conviction. Or unemployed. Or, possibly, both.

The one guy I did meet and go out with from OKCupid sent me what amounts to a rejection form letter. “Thank you for your interest, however, we do not have any positions available at the Girlfriend Corporation.” This drab little punch in the gut was followed by half a dozen smiley face emoticons. Wow, rejection PLUS emoticons, it’s like my best day ever!

Lastly, I'm just not feeling any of the guys on there. Could it just be that I’m finally jaded, more than sixteen years after my first date? Or could it be the sinus infection that is gradually devouring my eyeballs from the inside? Most likely, I’m just not in “Date Mode” these days. If every email feels like a chore to respond to, it's time to take a break.

Who’s up for a girls’ night out?

PS - Yes, I’m aware this post outs me as single. I have been since July, I just thought an announcement post would be a bit self-pitying and ridiculous. Self-pitying and ridiculous are both par for the course around here, I know, but I tend to stay away from really personal stuff.

41 comments:

freckledk said...

I am! I am!

Let's try to meet our men the old-fashioned way: in a bar.

Lemmonex said...

You know what makes things better? Cupcakes.

Seriously, men who use emoticons can eat it.

Shannon said...

FreckledK: I prefer to meet my men in jail.

Lemmonex: What's better than cupcakes for supper? Nothing, that's what.

And I think any man who uses emoticons should just hand in his testicles then and there.

Ibid said...

Dating sites? I thought you had a boyfriend!

Shannon said...

Oh, Ibid. Do try and keep up.

[F]oxymoron said...

:)

That being said, even if this turns into another one of "those" blogs, I'm still dropping by for some word play.

Ibid said...

Bah! You've just been trying to keep it quiet so wouldn't have creepy Dr Who fans hitting on you.

Shannon said...

Foxy, actually, I thought I'd go all confessional and begin each day with an emotion-barf.

Shannon said...

Ibid - Yup. Also, I'm not very funny when I feel sorry for myself, so I wanted some adjustment time.

[F]oxymoron said...

I prefer alcohol, but I suppose an emotion-barf or two might work too.

And you know, every woman I talk to has nothing good to say about OK-Cupid. They rave about a few bars and certain jails, but they all unanimously agree that the free clinic is the place to pick up quality men!

Tina said...

Hey - I am the goddess of ex boyfriend tomenting - if you have any inclination in that direction give me a call. I make Anyanka the vengence demon look like a fluffy bunny rabbit. Nothing I like better than a fresh target.

Tina's Evil Twin

Shannon said...

Foxy, ok, that's my new excuse for hanging out at the free clinic.

Tina's Twin - As much fun as that would be, I figure the guy did me a favor. What, I was going to marry the guy? Be Mrs. Emoticon?

Ibid said...

I was looking through NetFli...Craig's List the other day. What I noticed over the course of several days is the vast amounts of computer generated spam.
Several ads had women who described themselves as "TRAIT1, TRAIT2". This means that the computer didn't have adjectives to place and used the variable name instead.
Having seen that I started noticing patterns in the rest. I even started writing up a blog entry breaking down the formulas. The most obvious being a string of 4 adjectives. Cheerful, sensual, and sensitive appearing most often.

Ibid said...

Bunnies aren't just cute like everybody supposes. They got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses, and what's with all the carrots? What do they need such good eyesight for anyway?

charlotteharris said...

as a newly single gal, dreading the idea of online dating, i am up for a girls' night out! thank you for sharing your dating story, i agree burbs + no car = dui

charlotteharris said...

as a newly single gal, dreading the idea of online dating, i am up for a girls' night out! thank you for sharing your dating story, i agree burbs + no car = dui

Jamie said...

DC? I thought you lived in Woodbridge or similarly frightening suburb.

I am scared of online dating. All my favorite bloggers post little other than horror stories. Hang out at bars instead. Because I've never met anything other than a completely sane person at a bar...

Shannon said...

Ibid - it would be better if you sang that last bit.

Charlotte - I sense a girls' night out a-brewing. And, yeah, no car = DUI, for sure.

Shannon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shannon said...

Jamie - I grew up in Woodbridge, but live in the city. And I'm definitely going to have to start trolling the bars for boys.

Zipcode said...

Shannon when I get back from NYC I am all about prowling around. OKC was like OKPervert for me - gah - dating is a nightmare - you could adopt my angry hate sex theory I am using these days. I know a lot of single Special Agents and cops but I don't think I could do that to someone as nice as yourself.

LivitLuvit said...

Recessions it is. I'm that poor and you're that jaded. Match made in heaven.

Lem, bring the cupcakes. I'll bring the karaoke.

Shannon said...

Zip - I'm not an angry hate sex type, I'm more a string of dates, followed by an exclusive contract sort of girl.

LivLuv - But only if you duet with me on, "I Got You Babe." I'll be Sonny, you be Cher.

"I got you to read my site, I got you to hold me tight..."

freckledk said...

Ummmm, HELLO?!?! What do I bring? Besides my wit, charm and good looks?

freckledk said...

Ummmm, HELLO?!?! What do I bring? Besides my wit, charm and good looks?

freckledk said...

I obviously felt very strongly about that last comment.

Shannon said...

FreckledK, you bring your new haircut, so we can match. And maybe some boys.

FoggyDew said...

I was going to comment on this earlier, but got distracted by work. I've come back and my keen male powers of observation sense a deep, angry disturbance in the Force.

I'm just going to slowly, very slowly, back out of here...

Ibid said...

Maybe it's the heat, maybe it's the odd lighting, maybe it's the fact that all my paper keeps turning black... but my keen powers of observation lead me to think that this room may just be on fire.

Shannon said...

Foggy, that's OK. You're always welcome to hang with the girls.

Ibid - no, it's just you. The rest of us are cool as ice.

Ibid said...

But the smoldering papers... no wait, that's just my eyes.

Shannon said...

Ibid - sorry. I have that effect on people.

By the way, can the old dudes (50+) please stop sending me those half-assed wistful, "If only I were younger..." messages? That's just dumb.

Anonymous said...

Crap, I actually have a profile there. And I didn't lie about my package size, I just didn't specify inches vs cm.

brandonsavage said...

It's time to play the super-fun "find the blogger on Craigslist personals" game!

Ok, not really (as if that didn't sound creepy).

But as someone who's age is an inverse of yours, I assure you it's no easier down on this end of the spectrum.

Shannon said...

Anonymous - don't you mean meters?

Brandon - You're 13? Whoa, you have NO business being here. Get back to your algebra homework!

Titania said...

I am in for the bar-hunt too. My last online dating experience involved a stalker and a police report being filed against a guy who I never sent an email to. Yikes. My profile is so hidden now...

Shannon said...

Titania - Yowza. If it makes you feel any better, today's haul included a shirtless 20-year-old who apparently thinks I'm "hot" and can teach him a thing or two.

Titania said...

Can someone explain me why some men think that a shirtless picture of them makes them more appealing? Seriously. Creep. I don't get it... Now, he's probably right that you CAN teach him a thing or two... but hey, what's in it for you? 20 y.o.? that will taste like milk and he won't have an idea of what to do (well, probably, maybe there is a miracle and I can be mistaken about this one...)... Where are the men? kinda of tired of boys.... Work is boring today

brandonsavage said...

Ok, maybe not a reversal of the numbers of your age...but 10 years your junior. ;-)

thotlady said...

Came over from Zandria.us.

Even though I am married, I didn't get married until I turned 40, so I completely identify with the single and dating world.

When I was dating, the on-line dating and matching sites were just getting started. It's a little scary.

But then so are blind dates in general. I once had a blind date that was the worst date of my life and at the end of the night the guy said, "so, when do you want to go out again?" I turned to him and said, "Were you on the same date as I was". How about never.

He was not amused...neither was I.

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