Wednesday, July 08, 2009

D.S.I.: Drunk Scene Investigation

As a frequent (and fabulous) dinner party hostess, I have a bevy of morning-after-the-party rituals.




First and foremost is making coffee for whichever drunkies made the 4 a.m. decision that an air mattress is the better part of valor. Then, I use context clues to determine the exact level of group inebriation from the night before. There are many ways I can assess this. Here are the examples from my last gathering:


1. Stereo volume. Sunday mornings, I like to toss in a little Sam Cooke or Marvin Gaye. If either one blares out at teeth-shattering Gwar-esque volume, that's about 20 points of drunkity. (If Neil Diamond was waiting for me in the CD player, that's an extra 10 points.)


2. A rain jacket stuffed between the cushions? That's an indication that I used it to cover up a particularly spill-prone guest. Minus 10 points, as I was clearly sober enough to encase a friend in plastic. However, plus 5 points, as I clearly thought that was a classy and tasteful thing to do.



3. Empty beer cans floating in the ice bucket? Either I thought they were full (sad and delusional), or I was having ice bucket races. Nevermind, it's worth 5 points of drunkity.


4. Location of furniture. Far too often, I find the patio furniture inside, and the indoor furniture out on the balcony. So either I am redecorating in my drunken stupor, or my friends are trying to be cute. I'll give it 10 points.


5. Kitchen conditions. If the recycling bin and the trash can appear to have had a bastard child, namely, a pile of cans and napkins piled neatly on the stove, that's worth 10 points.


6. Scariest of all? The fridge. Ever and always. I almost always find something spectacular in there. This time around, I found a Cool Whip flag cake, uncovered, on the second shelf. On top of the cake was a crystal bowl, which had once upon a time held fruit salad but was now empty. The fruit salad could be found in a Ziploc bag, elsewhere. So, somehow, I was able to move the fruit salad into a bag, but decided an empty bowl belonged in the fridge, not the sink...and, moreover, decided it belonged square on top of the cake. That's a good hundred points right here:
D.S.I. Report: High levels of drunkity, marginally more drunk than the time I found a cupcake in the shower, and considerably less drunk than the time I climbed a tree in a dominatrix outfit.

14 comments:

Brett said...

Shannon, please post that fridge FAIL picture.

Shannon said...

Brett - It's on my phone...if you've got it, could you email it to me?

Lemmonex said...

If I wake up with my keys in my hand, it has been a good night.

kelsi said...

i once started getting drunk with friends wearing jeans and a tank top, and woke up wearing an evening gown - with no memory of having changed. one friend had moved a mattress into the herb garden, another had vomited in the kitchen garbage.
how many points for that?

f.B said...

If I wake up injured, it's a tell-tale sign of a good night... or a horrible one. I don't know how to read signals.

Shannon said...

Lemmonex - If my keys are anywhere besides the bottom of my fifth glass of whiskey, it's a good night.

kelsi - Depends. Was it all the same night?

f.B - I did wake up with a bruise on my arm Sunday. However, the sad part is that injury happened when I was cold sober.

J said...

I've never blacked out before :(

P.S - my birthday falls on a Friday this year.

P.P.S - I did try to convince a friend of a friend once that she was Miss December 2004. She kept telling me otherwise, but I would have none of it. Not my finest moment.

Jamie said...

If the stereo is actually still blasting at full volume when the first person wakes up, so much the better. It's amazing what you can sleep through with a stomach full of vodka.

bh said...

I woke up in college to "Hey, Hey, what can I do" blasting at full volume from the night before.

My dorm neighbor refused to ever speak or acknowledge my existence again.

Just A Girl said...

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I want to be friends. I apparently hit on the cop working at the bar, made out with my ex's roommate, poured straws full of vodka cran on some guy's shirt for some unremembered offense, and ate shit on the dance floor, all in one night (last Friday). I remember falling, vaguely. The rest I had to be informed of later.

The Friday before, I fell up some stairs, taking out the bouncer, my friend, and the entire velvet rope, all at once. On the way INTO the bar.

I'm fucking classy.

Shannon said...

J - I bet she really was Miss December. Were any of her turnoffs, 'rude people?'

Jamie - After vodka, usually it's the first person to get up in the afternoon.

bh - Better that than, say, anything from the Celine Dion catalogue.

bh said...

Well, I suppose. It might also have been the fact that I insisted that I could only get into my room by climbing through his window.

It pairs nicely with the night we decided to play beer bottle skeet over the college pond. That's where 2 guys with empty beer bottles yell "PULL" and try to hit a beer bottle thrown by the third. Somewhere in Maine, I've got a PI citation with my name allllll over it.

Dmbosstone said...

Except for last Halloween I have ended up in my bed (or at least a bed) for most of my crazy nights. That's always a good thing.

However I do know I had a good night when I wake up unsure of where my car is.

lacochran said...

"I found a Cool Whip flag cake, uncovered, on the second shelf. On top of the cake was a crystal bowl, which had once upon a time held fruit salad but was now empty. The fruit salad could be found in a Ziploc bag, elsewhere. So, somehow, I was able to move the fruit salad into a bag, but decided an empty bowl belonged in the fridge, not the sink...and, moreover, decided it belonged square on top of the cake."

Ha! I love it!