Friday, July 17, 2009

In Which My Ordinarily Sweet Nature Betrays Me

I like to think of myself as a good person. Not always virtuous, but usually well-intentioned. But we all have those moments where we see the gap between who we are and who we could be. And the size of that gap is often dizzying, terrifying, and insurmountable.

For most people, the gap comes on day six of a rained-out vacation, or when they wake up next to a dead tranny Thai pirate hooker. For me, that gap comes every Sunday when I read the Washington Post's wedding announcements. I become this bitter little misanthrope who is bound and determined to shed this mortal coil in a Golden Girls-esque divorcee commune, if only so I don't ever have to read about myself in a wedding announcement.
I'm sure all these couples love one another madly, are wonderful friends, pay their taxes, and are good all-around folks. I'm just also not sure why they're so willing to present themselves as materialistic nitwits.

For your consideration, I offer last Sunday's fabulous couple. My eye twitched a little to discover that they signed a cocktail napkin exclusivity agreement at their first meeting (is that what I should have been doing all these years?). And the lucky young man spent their first date introducing her as "Mrs. Donnelly." But, hey, maybe it was love at first sight.

But then I remember love at first sight doesn't exist, because that's just infatuation. Infatuation is bells and flowers and chirping little birdies. It's candlelight and mythology and maybe a princess fantasy or two.

Love is far better and more mundane. Love is going to 7-11 at 3 a.m. for Alka-Seltzer, and not really minding, because your partner has a killer stomachache. Love is hearing the same story for the hundredth time, and being kind enough to laugh in all the right places. True-to-life love stories are often so boring that you fall asleep halfway through the telling. If Amy and Tripp have that, all the best to them.

Anyhoo, back to the delightful blessed joining of two souls. I was down with their wedding, Georgetown preppyset, tennis tournament-oriented as it was, until I got to the 32-MINUTE VIDEO TRIBUTE. Would any guest in their right mind want to sit through that? Wouldn't they rather, y'know, mingle with the friends and family they rarely see, wish the happy couple all the best, and maybe eat some food? No, I suppose not, when there are videotaped "luminaries" to observe.

So, last Sunday, hungover, in bed, and nibbling on plain tortillas, I was hit with the scariest conclusion of my life: that I'm not as nice a person as I should be. I'm snarky and bitter and have a pessimistic streak that pops up every Sunday, when I'm weak and vulnerable and my brain is sloshy from the previous night's excesses.

And then I hit the less-scary, but far more important conclusion: If I get married again, I'll just have cookout and some kegs. You're all invited! Burgers or dogs? How 'bout some relish? Can I get you another beer?

In the comments, tell me what section of the newspaper brings out your inner snarkbitch. Or, describe your behavior at my imaginary wedding. Bonus points for a hypothetical kegstand.

144 comments:

Tina said...

I will show everyone my tramp stamp (by lifting up the back of my dress) and demonstrate the bootie popping and body undulations I just learned in my stripping class.

i have always wanted to be white trash inappropriate and never let myself - this would by my big coming out.

Shannon said...

Tina - *swoon* Will you be my maid of honor?

Fearless in Toronto said...

Doesn't every normal person snark at those announcements? Reading that link almost made me throw up my Cheerios.

If I ever find myself at a wedding featuring Fox News...it'll be like the prom scene in Carrie. Post pig-blood.

kelsi said...

i love your wedding plan. if i ever change my mind and go the wedding route, i totally want to get our friends drunk and feed them tons of food.

really, it's the people like those in that announcement who ruined the idea of weddings for me. i think marriage, as in "the time after the wedding" can be a lovely thing (if both people involved are, you know, thoughtful and loving and meant to be together,) but weddings are, by and large, retarded.

do not get me started on registries.

Brando said...

I for one think it's appalling how much even average-income folks will spend on what's basically a one day party and would love to see a new tradition of backyard cookouts and cheap, fun weddings instead. After all, when the wedding's over, what you're left with isn't the memories of the right flowers or who had the vegetarian option--you're left with what is hopefully a lasting marriage.

Shannon said...

Fearless - I'm far from normal, but, yes, I TOTALLY snark on wedding announcements.

kelsi - So you won't get me the Super-Extra-Double-Large Rice Marinader Crockery Set that I registered for? It's only $300!

Brando - A lot of the time, unfortunately, the families pressure the couple into having a big showoff-y wedding. Lucky for me, my parents are broke-ass hippies who wouldn't dream of it.

Also, Skye, yes, you'd still have to be my maid of honor (sorry Tina!), but this time I wouldn't make you wear a dress. It's too hard to have a squirt gun Capture the Flag game in a dress.

Jo said...

My wedding (reception at RFD of all places) was essentially that: getting my friends fed and drunk and dancing. I've always hated wedding announcements for some reason, what's the point?

I snark at the fashion sections where they always take pictures of perfectly tall and skinny 22 year olds wearing skinny jeans and a scarf with a pop of color!

Hammer said...

I will attend your wedding and consume many burgers, hotdogs and beers. However, I will do all of these things from the comforts of MAH TRUK, which I will not set foot out of at any point during the festivities. It'll be like Saturday night at Sonic, only with old people doing the electric slide.

Hammer said...

Also, no need for a DJ or sound system 'cuz I rock some serious aftermarket Polks in my side doors. You're welcome.

Fiery Nuggets said...

Welcome to the snark side. Everyone here is a lot happier than you might think.

Shannon said...

Jo - Yeah, it's hard to look bad when you're skinny and 22! I don't know why the Post basically profiles the same person over and over.

Hammer - And I bet you'll give me a shotgun as a wedding gift. Then nod knowingly and hand me an EPT kit.

Shannon said...

Fiery - Oh, I've always been snarky...I'm just an optimist as well, for extra confusion.

Dmbosstone said...

Weird enough, I've actually thought about my wedding dance earlier this year. Two words: Jai Ho.

Brett said...

Yeah that article manages to creep me out a little more each time I read it. At first you're like "aww, love at first sight," and then it's all "Stepford Wives and country clubs, we drink G&Ts to drown our feelings."

That said, perhaps they are of the same crazy, if you know what I mean.

AAnyways, I do love your BBQ idea, and Dmbosstone's Jai Ho. That is awesome. You've gotta have some dancing. Karaoke?

Shannon said...

Dmbosstone - Will you marry me?

Brett - Karaoke? Totally. Instead of toasts, we'll have serenades. You're singing "Tiny Dancer."

Maybe their flavors of crazy mix well?

Zandria said...

This is exactly why I can't read those things -- I just get annoyed. Your idea of a post-wedding party sounds WAY better.

FoggyDew said...

At your wedding I promise to sit in the back and hit the flask to avoid any possibility of lightning...oh, wait a minute, did that already.

At your next wedding I will color commentary over the PA: "Everyone, quick! The best man the one of the bridesmaids have snuck off to the tool shed behind the barbeque. Let's all be ready to cheer them when they come out."

Shannon said...

Zan - Wear pants, girl, because you're doing the first kegstand!

Foggy - Ah, yes, nothing boosts the confidence like seeing two college buddies sitting in the back of the church on the off chance the bride is struck by lightning.

And the color commentary would be way funnier if you just made it all up.

FoggyDew said...

Just read the wedding announcement and I'm at a loss for words. In fact, I can only come up with letters: WTF?!?

First the picture: Are you allowed to make fun of brides? Is that legal?

1789 for a first date? Are you freaking kidding me? A little over the top, don't ya think? Isn't that the place you go to propose? This "romance is doomed to failure. We should set up a google alert so we're sure to catch their divorce announcement in the legal section.

I think I've just thrown up a lot in my mouth. Please, if you ever see me in a situation like this, come to my house and do me a favor: Shoot me in the head.

lacochran said...

At your wedding, I will get up and dance to the trashy hit "Save a horse, ride a cowboy". Complete with hooting and imaginary lassoing.

Shannon said...

Foggy - Multiple fork restaurants on a first date: High Risk Manuever.

Lacochran - And you've just landed yourself a bridesmaid slot! I was thinking the entire wedding party could perform that, in cowgirl outfits.

Tina said...

I'll settle for flower girl - but only if I can ditch the dress and wear booty shorts a tube top and cowboy boots

Brett said...

Shannon - can I change it to "hold me closer Tony Danza?"

Shannon said...

Tina - Oh, that's the mandatory uniform for everyone! And the catering staff will be dudes in Hooters uniforms.

Brett - I would expect nothing less.

Brando said...

Whoa, I thought the Tony Danza cover was my version! And guys in Hooters uniforms? That sound you heard was my brain shuddering.

Shannon said...

Brando - You and Brett are performing a duet. Hey, that rhymed!

bh said...

The Datelab pisses me off pretty good. The constant stream of "He/She isn't perfect" or the Post setting up people with person who has a major turnoff trait is just anger inducing.

If invited to your wedding, I promise to show up with bbq ribs, a half a sixer of high life, and some really ugly croc flipflops.

bh said...

For the record: I proposed at 1789. In retrospect, $10000 in divorce fees later, probably should have waited a little longer....

Heather said...

I would be the one at you wedding who would still be there the next morning sleeping under some tables somewhere. Dressed or wrapped in a table cloth? Hard to say...

Shannon said...

bh - Oh, DateLab drives me up the wall, too! Seriously - you're letting a newspaper set you up, which is pretty far from how most people meet the loves of their lives. Relax and have fun!

Also, please, PLEASE wear white jorts to my imaginary wedding.

Heather - This is assuming we have any furniture at all, of course.

Just A Girl said...

This kind of crap is exactly why I want to go to the beach with my family, get married in the morning, go stuff ourselves full of brunch and mimosas and then go lay around by the water all day. I'm not even trying to spend all kinds of money and have stress and shit. I think I'll make sure at least 2 guests are ordained just in case.

I'm totally snarky about massive wedding plans - excellent, given that my cousin just got engaged.

As for your wedding? I'll probably sleep with the best man. And the maid of honor. At the same time. And I'll be the one standing on the table yelling at everyone that WE'RE DOING SHOTS!!!

Titania said...

AARGGGH, I read the announcement and it is so corny it made me gag. Seriously.

Like you, I decided several years back that if I ever get married again, it would probably be in a park, with a BBQ, and people riding bikes and wearing jeans or spandex.

And, last but not least, I do think you are a very nice person! being corny and gagging at corny-ness should never make you a bad person, RIGHT?

aims said...

I used to want the big, fancy wedding with the favors and the floating candles and flower arrangements and whatnot. Now, I would prefer to take the money I'd spend on all that fluff, jet to Vegas with my honey and anyone else who wanted to come. Hit up the chapel, a buffet for the reception, and on to the slots. done and done. I swear I don't have a gambling problem.

Anonymous said...

Many interesting information on your site - keep up good work

free adult dating site
russian date bride
brides bikini search russian
images russian girls
free black dating sites
http://flatheadronpaul.com/node/17378 - dating sites with chatroom
http://blackamericans.com/members/Floalablalp.aspx - free online dating sites
http://community.videospin.com/members/Onerceexive.aspx - brides russian
http://flatheadronpaul.com/node/17376 - sex dating site
http://www.2020people.com/node/9178 - women brides

Anonymous said...

Did you [url=http://www.onlinecasinos.gd]blackjack[/url] recognize that you can wing it deprecate Concoct Suave habituate momentarily from your mobile? We get a sway transportable casino convenient in the simplicity of iPhone, iPad, Android, Blackberry, Windows 7 and Smartphone users. Promenade off your gaming with you and be a combatant wherever you go.

Anonymous said...

Hello. Facebook takes a [url=http://www.nodepositbonus.gd]roulette[/url] move on on 888 casino administer: Facebook is expanding its efforts to mete out real-money gaming to millions of British users after announcing a sell with the online gambling toss 888 Holdings.And Bye.

Anonymous said...

online xanax what is xanax used for yahoo - what is xanax good for

Anonymous said...

order tramadol online tramadol hcl er 200 mg tab - tramadol for dogs diarrhea

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol buy online cheap - tramadol high yahoo answers

Anonymous said...

xanax online pictures of generic xanax bars - xanax withdrawal loss of appetite

Anonymous said...

buy discount tramadol tramadol for dogs vs tramadol for humans - tramadol hcl long term effects

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol hcl 50mg tab dosage - tramadol zoloft taken together

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol cod fedex tramadol online pharmacy no prescription - tramadol for dogs no prescription

Anonymous said...

carisoprodol 350 mg buy carisoprodol online - side effects soma carisoprodol tablets

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol cheap tramadol hcl xr - tramadol 50 mg withdrawal

Anonymous said...

generic xanax 2mg xanax equivalent much valium - xanax effexor overdose

Anonymous said...

generic xanax xanax side effects slurred speech - xanax white pill

Anonymous said...

carisoprodol 350 mg carisoprodol maximum dosage - carisoprodol dosage high

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol 50mg street value - buy tramadol online co.usa

Anonymous said...

buy carisoprodol carisoprodol with advil - carisoprodol soma side effects

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol online cheap - tramadol 50 mg norsk

Anonymous said...

carisoprodol 350 mg buy carisoprodol online us - listaflex carisoprodol 350 mg para sirve

Anonymous said...

generic xanax generic form of xanax - generic xanax stamped g3721

Anonymous said...

generic xanax xanax side effects men - xanax bars how to take

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol rx tramadol 50mg for dogs side effects - tramadol potentiators

Anonymous said...

buy carisoprodol carisoprodol efectos secundarios - carisoprodol indications

Anonymous said...

buy carisoprodol soma carisoprodol drug test - what is soma carisoprodol

Anonymous said...

generic xanax xanax dosage daily - buy xanax canada pharmacy

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol hcl nsaid - tramadol withdrawal what to do

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol for dogs overdose - buy tramadol 50mg online

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol 50 mg for anxiety - tramadol gastric bypass

Anonymous said...

buy carisoprodol what is carisoprodol 350 mg tablet for - carisoprodol nursing implications

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol dosage pain - tramadol for dogs 25mg

Anonymous said...

tramadol generic get rid tramadol withdrawal - tramadol online pharmacy no prescription needed

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online ultram side effects in elderly - tramadol prescription

Anonymous said...

xanax online no prescription xanax side effects dogs - generic xanax .5

Anonymous said...

buy cialis online cialis online canadian pharmacy - cialis patent expiration

Anonymous said...

buy cialis online overnight shipping cialis yorumlar? - cialis online au

Anonymous said...

cialis online is it legal to buy cialis online in usa - buy cialis in south africa

Anonymous said...

xanax online drug testing for employment xanax - xanax 2mg high

Anonymous said...

xanax online xanax overdose celebrities - can you buy xanax in spain

Anonymous said...

can you buy cialis online cialis with dapoxetine reviews - cialis online nederland

Anonymous said...

cheapest cialis reviews of cialis - retail pharmacy price cialis

Anonymous said...

xanax online generic xanax brands - xanax bars pill identifier

Anonymous said...

cialis pharmacy cialis daily in usa - cialis reviews for bph

Anonymous said...

buy cheap cialis online no prescription genuine cialis price - buy cialis vs viagra

Anonymous said...

generic cialis generic cialis viagra online - cialis coupon usa

Anonymous said...

xanax online xanax pills online pharmacy - xanax side effects 1 mg

Anonymous said...

cheap generic cialis cialis testimonials - cialis 5mg daily

Anonymous said...

cialis online cialis free sample coupon - price for cialis daily use

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol al 100mg nebenwirkungen - vicodin tramadol withdrawal symptoms addiction

Anonymous said...

learn how to buy tramdadol buy tramadol no prescription online - generic name for tramadol

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol tramadol online paypal - tramadol for dogs and people the same

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol withdrawal treatment - tramadol 50 mg ultram

Anonymous said...

http://landvoicelearning.com/#74967 tramadol 100 mg a day - generic tramadol for dogs

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol 100mg online tramadol 100mg retard - tramadol dosage per kg

Anonymous said...

http://landvoicelearning.com/#23561 tramadol tylenol - tramadol 100mg buy online

Anonymous said...

http://landvoicelearning.com/#62431 buy tramadol egypt - tramadol withdrawal cold turkey

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol 50mg tablets narcotic - buy viagra tramadol

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol 50 mg vs percocet 5mg - tramadol 100 mg ldt

Anonymous said...

tramadol online tramadol hcl 50mg 627 - tramadol for dogs safe for humans

Anonymous said...

http://buytramadolonlinecool.com/#56411 tramadol hydrochloride capsules 50mg side effects - buy tramadol online australia

Anonymous said...

http://landvoicelearning.com/#63987 buy tramadol 99 - buy discount tramadol

Anonymous said...

learn how to buy tramdadol buy tramadol online us - buy tramadol online visa

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol tramadol retard medartuum 100mg - tramadol dosage dogs 50 mg

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol what is tramadol ultram 50 mg - tramadol 50 mg buy online

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol hcl er 100mg - buy tramadol online without rx

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol 50mg tablets dosing - tramadol 50 mg pictures

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online order tramadol online mastercard - buy tramadol online no prescription cheap

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol no rx tramadol addiction long - cheap 100mg tramadol

Anonymous said...

buy cheap tramadol buy tramadol online saturday delivery - tramadol 50mg seizures

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online mastercard overnight tramadol withdrawal is hell - tramadol online no prescription needed

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol hcl online pharmacy - purchase tramadol overnight

Anonymous said...

http://buytramadolonlinecool.com/#73892 buy tramadol buy cod - buy tramadol online checking account

Anonymous said...

learn how to buy tramdadol 100mg tramadol equivalent morphine - tramadol hcl 50mg 627

Anonymous said...

can you buy tramadol online legally tramadol hcl 50 mg side effects - is it legal to order tramadol over the internet

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol hcl buy tramadol online reviews - illegal buy tramadol online

Anonymous said...

best buy tramadol tramadol overdose canine - tramadol high erowid

Anonymous said...

http://buytramadolonlinecool.com/#73892 tramadol dosage acetaminophen - generic tramadol online

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol online health solutions - tramadol recreational use

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol tramadol 50mg dosage cats - where to buy tramadol cod

Anonymous said...

http://reidmoody.com/#37982 zoloft ativan side effects - ativan to buy uk

Anonymous said...

generic tramadol tramadol addiction long term use - tramadol dosage buzz

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol 180 - rimadyl or tramadol for dogs

Anonymous said...

buy ativan online ativan withdrawal numbness - ativan vs xanax bluelight

Anonymous said...

http://reidmoody.com/#79166 ativan side effects neonates - lorazepam 1mg beer

Anonymous said...

http://blog.dawn.com/dblog/buy/#41639 purchase tramadol - tramadol overdose bluelight

Anonymous said...

buy ativan online ativan or xanax stronger - ativan side effects addiction

Anonymous said...

ativan 2mg buying lorazepam online in the uk - ativan side effects eyes

Anonymous said...

http://staam.org/#56821 tramadol online overnight cod - tramadol 50 mg order online

Anonymous said...

alprazolam lorazepam vs xanax high - xanax side effects memory loss

Anonymous said...

buy xanax 1mg drug street names xanax - what is xanax used for

Anonymous said...

order tramadol online cod tramadol dosage with paracetamol - tramadol online no prescription needed

Anonymous said...

buy xanax online quick xanax withdrawal - effects xanax unborn fetus

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol cheap online tramadol order online tramadol 50g - tramadol hcl 30 mg

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol 50 mg uses - tramadol - withdrawal procedure

Anonymous said...

tramadol 50 can u buy tramadol over counter - buy tramadol 50mg usa

Anonymous said...

http://ranchodelastortugas.com/#71453 buy xanax online illegal - much 2mg xanax bar

Anonymous said...

buy xanax online buy greenstone xanax - xanax dosage before mri

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online tramadol withdrawal and depression - tramadol hcl drug interactions

Anonymous said...

http://ranchodelastortugas.com/#82165 xanax side effects uses - xanax and alcohol fun

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol cheap online tramadol 100 mg inyectable - cheap tramadol online overnight delivery

Anonymous said...

buy xanax online generic xanax pills look like - get cheap xanax online

Anonymous said...

xanax no prescription make xanax effects stronger - ritalin and xanax high

Anonymous said...

http://staam.org/#90873 buy tramadol online from usa - best place buy tramadol online

Anonymous said...

buy tramadol online does tramadol hcl do you - good place buy tramadol online

Anonymous said...

buy xanax online xanax pills pregnancy - xanax for social anxiety reviews

Anonymous said...

buy xanax online xanax overdose help - xanax prescription online no prescription

Anonymous said...

cheap xanax no prescription xanax withdrawal frequent urination - xanax dosage guide

Anonymous said...

buy xanax online 2 mg xanax too much - xanax wiki fr

Anonymous said...

buy xanax online xanax nursing implications - xanax no prescription overnight delivery

Anonymous said...

http://ranchodelastortugas.com/#71453 xanax bars recreational - order xanax no prescription

Anonymous said...

buy xanax online difference between xanax generic xanax - alprazolam 0.5 mg and alcohol

Anonymous said...

http://bayshorechryslerjeep.com/#6828 type high xanax - buy xanax tijuana