Friday, July 24, 2009

The Underlying Reason I Don't Post Photos of Myself

There are oodles of reasons why bloggers don't post photos of themselves. A yen for anonymity. A desire to not have one's attractiveness assessed by eleven-toed basement trogolodytes. A desire to swat away the Internet freakdoodles. A prehensile tail.

In my case, it's about 25 percent warding off the freakdoodles and 50 percent wanting to be judged on the merits of my words, vs. the merits of my bone structure, figure type, and hairstyle.

But there's a 20 percent I haven't told you about. I am, to put it diplomatically, not the photogenic sort. Posting photos of myself would cause a clutching of pearls across the blogverse, a collective gasp, and a rapid drop in traffic.
(If you aren't looking at me, I cease to exist. Hello? Hi! Look look look! Aren't I fantastically adorable and so funny that you could just pick me up and cuddle me like a fluffy little snarky bunny?)

There are the obvious photographic indignities. Most of the time, I am snapped swilling Boone's Farm, being headlocked/molested by one of my girlfriends, gesticulating wildly, or dressed in some sort of monstrosity that makes me look like I'm about to give birth. At Woodstock. In a tent. After a few go-rounds with the brown acid. Eeeeesh.

But sometimes, I just plain mutate. There's the Feral Child version of me, with wild eyes, curiously hunched bunny-walk posture, and an expression that makes viewers wonder if I regard them as dinner.

Even better is Devil Baby Shannon. She has red eyes, mysterious cleavage, and oddly elongated teeth.

Sometimes there's Every Woman Turns Into Her Mother Eventually Shannon. That's when I look angular, Australian, and vaguely disapproving.

Then sometimes, a bad angle makes my chins be fruitful and multiply. I call her Shannon the Hutt.

But I'm guessing the math whizzes among you are less concerned about a feral man-eating demonic multi-chinned blogger, when you can focus on the mysterious five percent missing from my formula.

I have a prehensile tail. You heard it here first.

In the comments, tell me if you're photogenic.

28 comments:

Fearless in Toronto said...

Absolutely not.

I always wonder if "photogenic" people spend hours in front of the mirror practising their poses.

After all, that's what Tyra would do.

Shannon said...

Fearless - I wonder if photogenic people made some sort of deal with Mephistopheles.

Jo said...

I've seen pictures of you and you look super cute! I just think most people are VERY critical of themselves. I've been told I'm photogenic, but I can find a problem with almost any picture...

Tina said...

I am NOT photogenic. I solve this problem by being the person holding the camera at every gathering.

Shannon said...

Jo - Clearly, you've never seen the photo of me at the Red Derby where I have some sort of weird telescoping chin, red eyes, and quad-boobs.

Tina - Genius. Unfortunately, I don't own a camera.

Gilahi said...

Photographs of me tend to look so much better than the real me that I'm tempted to just walk around with an 8x10 of myself taped to my face.

Al In The County said...

I somehow manage to be photogenic in about 1 out of 20 photos. I don't know how it is, but ever now and again I'll see a picture and say, wow, I actually look decent there.

The other ones, though? Not a chance I'd ever post them anywhere.

Shannon said...

Gilahi - That's one way to hide a bad hair day.

Al - Are you one of those people who goes around Facebook un-tagging yourself?

f.B said...

I went through a whole photo-less era in which I almost never let my picture be taken. I say "I went" like I don't mean "I'm going." But I don't mind my picture being taken, I just expect to be disappointed by what it looks like.

Lemmonex said...

I have to admit I am lucky. I am pretty photogenic. There are a few angles that can make me look HUGE (the rack does that), but I know I am lucky.

I also will untag myself if I look awful.

Shannon said...

f.B - Actually, I'm the opposite. I don't care too much about how the photo turns out, I just find the act of being photographed intrusive.

Lem - I am TOTALLY jealous of how well you photograph.

Lisa said...

Usually I'm photogenic. But sometimes I post terrible photos of myself just because they amuse me.

Lisa said...

Also, you are extremely cute, and I'm sure you photograph better than you think. But you know, now that I think about bloggers and photos, I don't think people wonder why men don't post photos of themselves. It's only the women. No?

Patty Duke said...

Photogenic I am not. I look at pictures of myself and ask who is that middle aged woman, even though I don't look a day over thirty.

Shannon said...

Lisa - Maybe men aren't judged for their appearance quite so much, so they don't feel like they have to prove anything?

Patty - I have the reverse issue. I'm 32 and almost always wind up looking like I'm 12.

Brando said...

People are their own worst critics--but I don't like being photographed due to all the incriminating evidence and such. And why be photographed when you can have your own personal portrait artist follow you around and give you a majestic glow?

J said...

I am photogenic about once a year

But I like photos of me having fun. I don't usually care how I look in those :)

Marsh71 said...

I've been told I am photogenic.

Translate to: I only post photos that I've taken the time to cover up my ruddy red nose and ever-present chin acne.

However, my family cannot take a decent picture to save our soul.

There are literally dozens of attempts to take a family portrait, only to find that once again Aunt Judy blinked.

Brett said...

Wow, I just came across this and it is HILARIOUS! I am visiting my fam in NY and showed them your pic on Facebook (as well as the one of you posing around a chalkboard) and my mom commented how pretty and adorable you are!

So, as to being photogenic myself, no, I am not, I tend to get all squinty and look like I have really tiny eyes. I guess there is a downside to having high cheekbones... sigh.

LizSara said...

Oh i'm sooo not photogenic. i always look like i have a giant forehead

Titania said...

Most pictures make me look fat and wrinkly, I think. And if it is too close to my face, I can tell I always have one eye more closed than the other. So, I do not think I am photogenic.

Titania said...

.... but, thinking more about it, maybe I am like that and just refuse to see it in the mirror, mmmmm...

Alex said...

I am definitely not photogenic.

as an amateur photographer, I find that many people become photogenic when they forget they're being photographed. The act of posing for a photo makes many people look weird, even if they're trying to look natural.

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