Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Would You Still Read My Blog if I Had a Nipple on My Kneecap?

Maybe I wasn’t hugged enough as a zygote, or perhaps all those years of hardcore Pixy Stik abuse have finally caught up with me. At any rate, I’ve started to test the limits of my friends’ affection for me. And I don’t mean by stretching their patience, running to the edge of their compassion, or by mocking them until they cry. That’s just a typical Tuesday for me.

Instead, I construct bizarre hypothetical scenarios and hope for the best:

Would you still find me attractive if I had a third boob? What if it was on my kneecap?

Would you still love me if I moved to New York to try my luck as a ninja pirate karaoke artist and perform vaudeville routines in Times Square?

Would you still be my friend if I invented my own language consisting entirely of taps and squeaks?

Would I still be pretty if I shaved the word “MOM” into the back of my head? How about if I wore a Vanilla Ice “Word to Your Mutha” jacket?

Would you still be my friend if I got a job kicking puppies, then using the puppy carcass to club a baby seal? Would it make a difference if I ate both the puppy and the baby seal? A good difference or a bad difference?

As humor is both my favorite coping mechanism and my first line of defense, I can only assume there’s a deeper reason for all my third boob and ninja queries.

Maybe the pain and brute force of the changes I’ve been through in the last six months have left me feeling wobbly and unsure. My life spun from awesome to painful to damn near perfect, and back again, and landed somewhere near terrific. I’m thrilled and giggly, and, more importantly, I’m content. Life is pretty much where it’s supposed to be.

But, perversely, nothing shakes my confidence quite like the feeling that everything is going a little TOO well.

We’re all just a few wrong turns from disaster. I could lose any number of the people I love, in any number of ways. Or I could lose my job, or get sick. Or the insides of me could change, and I could become someone I wouldn’t want to be. To some degree, I have control over these things, but much of the time I do not. So I try to appreciate everything I have, and to be someone worthy of everything I've been given.

But I have the occasional ugly moment where I’m waiting for disaster. And because I hate uncertainty, I hide behind my imaginary language of taps and squeaks, and wait for the other shoe to drop. I’m afraid to admit how much everything and everyone means to me, and I’m hiding behind jokes about baby seals.

In the comments, tell me I’m crazy. Or, tell me to be careful what I wish for, because I just might get it. Or admit that sometimes you feel like life is going a little TOO well.


Malnurtured Snay said...

A third boob is okay, a second vagina would just be weird.

Shannon said...

Snay - Too much of a good thing?

lacochran said...

*tap*squeak*squeak*tap*tap*tap*, *squeak*.

Hypo(thetical) Chondriac said...

Would your ninja skills be affected if you had nipples on each of your knuckles?

(I've gotta go wash my hands)

Just A Girl said...

I would just want to touch your kneecap nipple all the time so you would probably get sick of it and hate me. I think my only dealbreakers would be the taps & squeaks and the whole puppies and seals thing. Otherwise? Ninja karaoke with your bad self.

p.s. You're crazy.

Shannon said...

La - That was the most amazing knock-knock joke in teh history of knock-knock jokes!

Hypo - Welcome! I imagine I would be far too sensitive to ninja-chop anyone.

Shannon said...

JAG - Does wanting to touch a kneecap nipple make you gay?

bh said...

Third Boob: Awesome.
Ninjas: Awesome.
Vanilla Ice Jacket: Beyond Awesome (seriously, I would wear that all the time).

What your feeling is pretty normal. Usually, right about the time everything appears to be going perfect, that's when the metaphorical, or literal, trip and fall occurs.

In my case, it's usually in the form of a really obnoxiously high utility bill at the worst possible financial moment....

Titania said...

What kind of bra would you need for a boob in your kneecap? you certainly want it perky, right?

mmmm, things going "too good to be truth" also scare the crap out of me. Please go enjoy it... and now I want to give you a hug. I have a hugging issue, I always want to hug you. Unless you do the puppy and baby seal thing, then I'll beat the crap out of you. But you won't. So, I'll hug you.


Shannon said...

bh - Seriously, life is so good right now I fully expect to be crushed by an airborne cartoon piano.

Titania - I wonder what sort of band size my knee would be. Also, I have a hard enough time finding jeans as it is.

Anonymous said...

"Would you still be my friend if I got a job kicking puppies, then using the puppy carcass to club a baby seal? Would it make a difference if I ate both the puppy and the baby seal? A good difference or a bad difference?"

We could so be friends, because I laughed out loud at this. Plus, I would want want to touch your 3rd boob. Just sayin'

Patty Duke said...

I think waiting for the other shoe to drop is natural. We all seek balance in our lives and when everything seems too perfect, we feel off balance. I ask my husband strange questions like would you still love me if tatooed my cheek like Mike Tyson or if I had a gold mohawk.

Shannon said...

jp - What if the third boob was on my elbow?

Patty - What if you got a tattoo of Mike Tyson on your cheek?

Shannon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

now I know it..

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