Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Would You Still Read My Blog if I Had a Nipple on My Kneecap?

Maybe I wasn’t hugged enough as a zygote, or perhaps all those years of hardcore Pixy Stik abuse have finally caught up with me. At any rate, I’ve started to test the limits of my friends’ affection for me. And I don’t mean by stretching their patience, running to the edge of their compassion, or by mocking them until they cry. That’s just a typical Tuesday for me.

Instead, I construct bizarre hypothetical scenarios and hope for the best:

Would you still find me attractive if I had a third boob? What if it was on my kneecap?

Would you still love me if I moved to New York to try my luck as a ninja pirate karaoke artist and perform vaudeville routines in Times Square?

Would you still be my friend if I invented my own language consisting entirely of taps and squeaks?

Would I still be pretty if I shaved the word “MOM” into the back of my head? How about if I wore a Vanilla Ice “Word to Your Mutha” jacket?

Would you still be my friend if I got a job kicking puppies, then using the puppy carcass to club a baby seal? Would it make a difference if I ate both the puppy and the baby seal? A good difference or a bad difference?

As humor is both my favorite coping mechanism and my first line of defense, I can only assume there’s a deeper reason for all my third boob and ninja queries.

Maybe the pain and brute force of the changes I’ve been through in the last six months have left me feeling wobbly and unsure. My life spun from awesome to painful to damn near perfect, and back again, and landed somewhere near terrific. I’m thrilled and giggly, and, more importantly, I’m content. Life is pretty much where it’s supposed to be.

But, perversely, nothing shakes my confidence quite like the feeling that everything is going a little TOO well.

We’re all just a few wrong turns from disaster. I could lose any number of the people I love, in any number of ways. Or I could lose my job, or get sick. Or the insides of me could change, and I could become someone I wouldn’t want to be. To some degree, I have control over these things, but much of the time I do not. So I try to appreciate everything I have, and to be someone worthy of everything I've been given.

But I have the occasional ugly moment where I’m waiting for disaster. And because I hate uncertainty, I hide behind my imaginary language of taps and squeaks, and wait for the other shoe to drop. I’m afraid to admit how much everything and everyone means to me, and I’m hiding behind jokes about baby seals.

In the comments, tell me I’m crazy. Or, tell me to be careful what I wish for, because I just might get it. Or admit that sometimes you feel like life is going a little TOO well.

24 comments:

Malnurtured Snay said...

A third boob is okay, a second vagina would just be weird.

Shannon said...

Snay - Too much of a good thing?

lacochran said...

*tap*squeak*squeak*tap*tap*tap*, *squeak*.

Hypo(thetical) Chondriac said...

Would your ninja skills be affected if you had nipples on each of your knuckles?

(I've gotta go wash my hands)

Just A Girl said...

I would just want to touch your kneecap nipple all the time so you would probably get sick of it and hate me. I think my only dealbreakers would be the taps & squeaks and the whole puppies and seals thing. Otherwise? Ninja karaoke with your bad self.

p.s. You're crazy.

Shannon said...

La - That was the most amazing knock-knock joke in teh history of knock-knock jokes!

Hypo - Welcome! I imagine I would be far too sensitive to ninja-chop anyone.

Shannon said...

JAG - Does wanting to touch a kneecap nipple make you gay?

bh said...

Third Boob: Awesome.
Ninjas: Awesome.
Vanilla Ice Jacket: Beyond Awesome (seriously, I would wear that all the time).

What your feeling is pretty normal. Usually, right about the time everything appears to be going perfect, that's when the metaphorical, or literal, trip and fall occurs.

In my case, it's usually in the form of a really obnoxiously high utility bill at the worst possible financial moment....

Titania said...

What kind of bra would you need for a boob in your kneecap? you certainly want it perky, right?

mmmm, things going "too good to be truth" also scare the crap out of me. Please go enjoy it... and now I want to give you a hug. I have a hugging issue, I always want to hug you. Unless you do the puppy and baby seal thing, then I'll beat the crap out of you. But you won't. So, I'll hug you.

Besos

Shannon said...

bh - Seriously, life is so good right now I fully expect to be crushed by an airborne cartoon piano.

Titania - I wonder what sort of band size my knee would be. Also, I have a hard enough time finding jeans as it is.

Anonymous said...

"Would you still be my friend if I got a job kicking puppies, then using the puppy carcass to club a baby seal? Would it make a difference if I ate both the puppy and the baby seal? A good difference or a bad difference?"

We could so be friends, because I laughed out loud at this. Plus, I would want want to touch your 3rd boob. Just sayin'

Patty Duke said...

I think waiting for the other shoe to drop is natural. We all seek balance in our lives and when everything seems too perfect, we feel off balance. I ask my husband strange questions like would you still love me if tatooed my cheek like Mike Tyson or if I had a gold mohawk.

Shannon said...

jp - What if the third boob was on my elbow?

Patty - What if you got a tattoo of Mike Tyson on your cheek?

Shannon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

now I know it..

Anonymous said...

Opulently I to but I think the brief should prepare more info then it has.

Anonymous said...

[u][b]Xrumer[/b][/u]

[b]Xrumer SEO Professionals

As Xrumer experts, we have been using [url=http://www.xrumer-seo.com]Xrumer[/url] for the benefit of a wish leisure things being what they are and grasp how to harness the enormous power of Xrumer and adapt it into a Spondulix machine.

We also provender the cheapest prices on the market. Diverse competitors desire order 2x or even 3x and a destiny of the opportunity 5x what we charge you. But we feel in providing gigantic help at a small affordable rate. The entire something of purchasing Xrumer blasts is because it is a cheaper variant to buying Xrumer. So we focusing to support that bit in rebuke and provide you with the cheapest rate possible.

Not simply do we have the unexcelled prices but our turnaround heyday payment your Xrumer posting is wonderful fast. We will have your posting done in the forefront you discern it.

We also outfit you with a full log of well-heeled posts on different forums. So that you can get the idea over the extent of yourself the power of Xrumer and how we get harnessed it to benefit your site.[/b]


[b]Search Engine Optimization

Using Xrumer you can trust to distinguish thousands upon thousands of backlinks over the extent of your site. Tons of the forums that your Place you will be posted on get exalted PageRank. Having your association on these sites can categorically serve found up some top-grade dignity recoil from links and genuinely riding-boot your Alexa Rating and Google PageRank rating utterly the roof.

This is making your put more and more popular. And with this better in reputation as superbly as PageRank you can think to lead your milieu absolutely downright high-pitched in those Search Engine Results.
Transport

The amount of traffic that can be obtained before harnessing the power of Xrumer is enormous. You are publishing your situation to tens of thousands of forums. With our higher packages you may regular be publishing your locale to HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS of forums. Create 1 brief on a all the rage forum last will and testament inveterately rig out 1000 or so views, with say 100 of those people visiting your site. At once create tens of thousands of posts on in demand forums all getting 1000 views each. Your freight longing go because of the roof.

These are all targeted visitors that are interested or singular nearly your site. Deem how many sales or leads you can succeed in with this great figure up of targeted visitors. You are truly stumbling upon a goldmine primed to be picked and profited from.

Retain, Transport is Money.
[/b]

BECOME ENTHUSIASTIC ABOUT YOUR TWOPENNY DEFAME TODAY:


http://www.xrumer-seo.com

Anonymous said...

[B]NZBsRus.com[/B]
Lose Sluggish Downloads With NZB Downloads You Can Rapidly Find High Quality Movies, Games, MP3 Albums, Software & Download Them @ Blazing Speeds

[URL=http://www.nzbsrus.com][B]Usenet Search[/B][/URL]

Anonymous said...

[B]NZBsRus.com[/B]
Lose Crawling Downloads With NZB Files You Can Swiftly Find Movies, Games, MP3s, Applications & Download Them @ Accelerated Speeds

[URL=http://www.nzbsrus.com][B]Usenet Search[/B][/URL]

Anonymous said...

Hello, I now became a part of this community here and I would love to be a member of it. Just like the environment here. Great job by the admin and every member here. I like the quality of messages provided by everyone and expect I can do that for you all too. Just to start off, I discovered a great site named [url=http://www.home-businessreviews.com]home business reviews[/url] that reviews some good home based business opportunity. Anyway site owner make's more than 500$+/day. He discovered some very cool home business ideas. Because I found that these home business Opportunities worked for me I decided to post it here so you also can earn some extra cash in your free time. Owner of this website also found really simple opportunity earn some extra money just taking [url=http://www.home-businessreviews.com/Surveys-For-Money.html]surveys for money[/url]. Anyway if you need to earn some extra money feel free to check out this website. Hope you guys like it. Anyway, look forward to great conversation and hanging out here often. www.home-businessreviews.com

Anonymous said...

Someone deleted a variety of links from storage.to and depositfiles ...

From now, we will use www.tinyurlalternative.com as our default [url=http://www.tinyurlalternative.com]url shortener[/url], so every url will be there and visible for everyone.

You can pick out from several great [url=http://kfc.ms]short url[/url] names like:

kfc.ms easysharelink.info jumpme.info megauploadlink.info megavideolink.info mygamelink.info myrapidsharelink.info mytorrentlink.info myurlshortener.com mywarezlink.info urlredirect.info urlshrinker.info weblinkshortener.com youtubelink.info and many others.

They include over 60 other available domains and the [url=http://myurlshortener.com]url shortener[/url] service work well for free without any registration needed.

So we assume it is good notion and suggest you to use [url=http://urlredirect.info]url redirect[/url] service too!

Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Good brief and this mail helped me alot in my college assignement. Say thank you you seeking your information.

Anonymous said...

You could easily be making money online in the hush-hush world of [URL=http://www.www.blackhatmoneymaker.com]blackhat backlinks[/URL], You are far from alone if you have no clue about blackhat marketing. Blackhat marketing uses not-so-popular or not-so-known ways to produce an income online.

Anonymous said...

top [url=http://www.c-online-casino.co.uk/]casino[/url] brake the latest [url=http://www.realcazinoz.com/]realcazinoz.com[/url] manumitted no store perk at the chief [url=http://www.baywatchcasino.com/]bay watch casino
[/url].