Wednesday, June 17, 2009

When Life Hands You Turkeys...


...toss 'em in a sarcasm fryer and laugh your ass off. Yesterday in my (mostly neglected) OKCupid! account, I found a charmingly ungrammatical, incomprehensible piece of short-form literary goo, in the form of a private message indicating a desire to visit Washington (and subsequently rock. My. World). Because I can never resist a good freakshow, and because my Internet suitors are nothing if not blogworthy, I decided to check this guy out. You're welcome.

The accompanying profile included a reassuring burst of randomly capitalized enthusiasm.

all Emails will be answered!!!!

Operators are standing by! And a stunningly ambitious life goal...

Trying to get a Job.

A job or a Job? Biblical archetypal victims aside...we have a small issue of bean-counting, when the beans are the six things you can't live without:

Family,Friends,Music and Movies, Beer, Cigars and Women!

He spends his time thinking in near-haikus about:

The future and Money.
Places that I would love to see.
how to get more money.

I should message him if I...

Like my look.
Are not overweight.

And a final caveat:

I have no respect for women that do not even send a reply to an email

Sir, my truest love, as a woman who simply will not reply to that which stretches her tiny, non-overweight brain beyond its natural capacity, I apologize for preemptively losing your respect. Also, if your beer belly is swelling to flopover proportions, yet, you demand a funzies-partner who is not overweight, I'm gonna guess your respect for women in general runs somewhere between negative and nil. Never hold others to a standard that you yourself cannot meet.

Welcome to the delete pile! You'll make lots of friends there.

In the comments, call me a nitpicky mean-spirited bitch, or remind me that proper spelling and punctuation have no place in Zee Rituals of Zee Lovin'. Or, set a standard for me that you can't meet. "Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound," for example.

27 comments:

justjp said...

Could you imagine street corner pimps talking in haikus, that would be awesome.

The pimpin ain't easy
Hoes always got my money
Got to hustle now

Shannon said...

jp - Why do I feel like you came up with that ages ago, and were dying for an opportunity to use it?

My hoes are hard won
Sometimes they're out of pocket
Hand me my pimp stick

Malnurtured Snay said...

Damn, you don't have his respect? Your world must have come crushing down all around you. What a tool. (Him, not you, I mean).

rondamarie said...

I closed an Eharmony match this morning because he spelled intelligent with two t's.

This guy gave you better reasons than my guy did.

Shannon said...

Snay - As you know, I base my self-esteem on validation from complete strangers. Hence the blogging.

rondamarie - If it makes you feel any better, I once got a resume declaring the applicant was, "detale-oriented."

lustyreader said...

love this, "included a reassuring burst of randomly capitalized enthusiasm"

there seems to be a lot of That going around!

f.B said...

"all Emails will be answered!!!!"

That sounds like more of a threat than a promise.

Shannon said...

lusty - indeed It is! joy To the World.

f.B. - That sounds more like a death knell than a threat.

J said...

Did he actually say "rock your world", or are you just paraphrasing?

As for standards, don't psychologists say people often look for things that they themselves lack? I know I like good complexions; I actually didn't fared relatively well in my teenage years with that, but those first few pimples can really distort a teenager's self-image... Is it weird that typing 'pimple' felt kind of gross?

Heather said...

When I look at his profile it just screams with all caps and 10 exclamation points, I absolutely have no life and failed elementary school grammar. Thus I think he was a closet illiterate up till the age of 16. Ohh O.K. Cupid and I thought match.com was bad! ha. I believe they are equally on par with each other. I received an aim once from a guy via match.com that consisted of "ho r u, want 2 chat?" yeah it was over from the start. haha.

Shannon said...

J - Sadly, I'm just paraphrasing. If a man offered to 'rock my world' I would totally marry him then and there.

Heather - Is it so wrong that I consider proper punctuation a turn-on? Also, 'ho r u' sounds like Dr. Seuss gone horribly wrong.

Zipcode said...

good ole okcupid, scariest dating site i have ever been on

Zipcode said...

good ole okcupid, scariest dating site i have ever been on

Fiery Nuggets said...

Oh you hit a nerve here! I actually tell people upfront in my profile that if they have grammatical errors I will not respond. I know it makes me sound like a snob, but everyone has their things. My thing is proofreading and um knowing how to use the language in which you are trying to communicate.

Shannon said...

Zipcode - Clearly, you've never visited PrisonConjugalVisits.com. Which may actually exist.

Fiery - Hey, the most important sexual organ is the brain, right?

HomeImprovementNinja said...

love by the hour, man
that's what pimpin is, fo' sho'
where my b1tchez at?

Al In The County said...

One of the things I miss about being partnered is the...um...interesting responses I would get on Chemistry or whatever dating site. It always left me wondering, "What desperation was I feeling the day I set up this profile?".

And the last part -- "I have no respect for women that do not even send a reply to an email". If they aren't Replying, its not because they're worried About your Lack of respect.

I hope I got the capitalization right in that last sentence.

Shannon said...

Ninja -

You a ho fo sho,
you're just a gigolo,
Everywhere you go

Al - Welcome! If they are Not Replying, it Is Because they are Worried about Being chopped up and Stored in a Freezer.

Anyone else feel like they're reading Poor Richard's Almanack?

Kelsey said...

OKCupid can be an endless source of amusement, depending on how you look at it.

Dmbosstone said...

I understand one's frustrations when using OkC but seriously, a profile like that will get you NO LADIES. Or even guys.

Shannon said...

Kelsey - If it wasn't for internet dating, this blog would have shut down YEARS ago.

Dmbosstone - That profile might get you a lovely houseplant, though.

Lusty Reader said...

i am just Cracking up reading all the Random capitalization.

and yes to feeling like i'm reading Poor Richard's Almanack

i think it's in German where they still capitalize all their nouns? so maybe that's why older English has it too.

lacochran said...

What? No "HOTTIEZ ONLY!" ?

*snort*

Shannon said...

Lusty - Ye Olde Internet Skeeve.

Lacochran - He's on the babe patrol, and he ain't takin' no for an answer!

Titania said...

Never knew of OKCupid, maybe I should diversify from match.com and sign up... this guy sounds like he should be paired up with some of the fine specimens I had received emails from.

HP said...

I think that "funzies" is my new favorite word. I have been using it all morning.

Shannon said...

Titania - sometimes, I think all the crazy guys ought to go gay and date each other.

HP - Funzies funzies funzies!