But I don't need to tell you about my weekend. That's because my phone has decided to do it for me:
Dear People Who Observe the Daily Freakshow That Is Shannon,
Hi, everyone! It's me, that frequent character here known as Shannon's Cellphone. I live a pretty rough life - she's forever jamming her thumbs into my tummy, dropping me off of barstools, and keeping me up til all hours. I've tried rebelling. I've shut down the mp3 player, turned off the cameraphone (because all she was using it for was photographing whatever haircolor monstrosity she was trying that week). And I've made sure the number 6 is a little wonky. Let's see how she does without the letters m, n, and o.
The next step is taking over her blog. Maybe, this way, I can humiliate her into submission. Here's a log of her classiest outbound text messages from her weekend in Atlanta. (Note: none of these have been edited in any way.)
Why do people at dca eat such gnarly smelling sandwiches?
Also, am being hit on bx persistent skeevy guy.
You may have to fake being my angry bf bubba.
Actually it was an old lady playing freecell on her laptop. Helped her find the mute button.
[Professor] has monogrammed towels. I find that sort of endearing.
at a baseball game. Is raining like the urine of the damned after a sixer of bud. but am having the most wonderful time!
Thanks. My hungover ass will check in once tomorrow. Then coke n whores.
I apparently befriended a woman w a head wound. Atlanta is awesome.
If i can remember. I'm just thrilled i have pants.
rikki tikki tavi is my homeboy [note: this went to Shannon's dad.]
It is entirely possible I partied with a mongoose.
Who invented autoerotic asphyxiation? Like, if I had a noose and no pants, i still wouldn't think that up.
well, i thought if i bought her a drink she'd get stitches
About to drink. More pearls of wisdom to follow.
Am at a pool party in atl. everyone is playing beer pong and has perfect hair. It's just like the real world house
I think the chick is a tranny stripper
just gave someone a ride on a handtruck. [Shannon's note: Really? I did? Awesome.]
And saw a girl on girl beatdown. Best weekend ever.
If I'm a jumbled pile of beer and jackassery, you'll know why.
What an amoeba weenie. Well, you'll always have me. Drunkass sweet sweet me.
Oh snookums. Watched a girl on girl beatdown. [Professor] says girl 2 had a brazilian.
And i still can't figure she was post op or a really good tucker. Either way? Tranny.
Through security in no time flat. Did see a woman almost put her baby in the xray.
If i lived here i'd be a total degenerate.
Flight delay. What, did delta catch my hangover?
Well, folks, there you have it. Shannon's an idiot, her friends are depraved, and Atlanta is just strange enough to turn her into a drooling degenerate within 72 hours.
Shannon's Phone, aka, Her Favorite Enabler
In the comments, just don't ask me if I've seen Texts from Last Night...isn't it enough that I lived Texts from Last Night?