Friday, June 19, 2009

There's a Reason My Doctor Only Does this Once a Year

I just went in for my annual physical. In my twisted little brain-sized universe, this is about the most fun thing ever. The reason? Doctor-patient confidentiality. No matter how poorly I behave, my doc can't rat me out.

My doctor, who I have dubbed Dr. Methuselah, is somewhere north of a hundred years old. He probably made house calls with a horse and buggy, he does consultations in a leather-chair swank sort of office, and he's adorable. It's worth it for the exam alone, as I don't think I'd ever before gotten felt up by Yoda.

Dr. Methuselah is calm in the face of my dizziness. As most of you know, a stretch of alone time with me requires heavy sedation and the patience of a saint. Today, as I disrobed, I realized I was wearing red panties and stripper heels...and not once did he think I was coming on to him! I mean, it's better than the time a doctor asked if I was sexually active, but not by much. What a classy guy.

He's also direct and deflects my insanity in a way that I really and truly need.

A few gems:

During the consultation:
"I have trouble seeing Metro signs."
Diagnosis: "You need glasses."

During the exam:
"I have a funky red mark I've been referring to as my 'Check Engine' light."
Diagnosis: "It's a new mole. It'll turn black in no time." (Sexy!)

During the blood oath portion of the exam:
"I don't have any veins. I think my blood is transported by a system of levers and pulleys."
Diagnosis: "There's one vein on your left arm. Make a fist. A real fist. Thank you."

"I think I might be a pterodactyl."
Diagnosis: "Now you're just being silly."

OK, the last one might be a joke. But, really, if I could someday meet a man that patient, I'd marry him and only impersonate a pterodactyl once every 25-30 days.


Dmbosstone said...

Aw man you go to the doctor prepared! I usually struggle to remember things to tell my doctor... last time I went he had to bring a new hire in to observe so I wanted it over ASAP...

Titania said...

This reminds me, I haven't gotten a physical in about 4 years, maybe it is time... Probably, I need to find a doctor like this one too.

Shannon said...

Dmbosstone - I make a list. "Here are the ways I'm crazy," then I hand it over.

Titania - I'm happy to give you his info if you're interested.

f.B said...

"Make a fist. A real fist."

haha. what kind of fist did you make?

lacochran said...

"I have a funky red mark I've been referring to as my 'Check Engine' light."

As long as there's no smoke coming from under the hood, you're probably alright.

Zandria said...

But...but..doctors HAVE to love people like you! I'm sure 98% of the people who go in there are boring. At least you liven things up a bit (even if he DOES shake his head at you). :)

Domo El Mono Loco said...

hahaha, funny thing about that. My mom likes to tell this story about how when I was in elementary school I went around swearing I was a trilobite for a week... good thing I grew out of that phase, maybe someday you will too!! LOL!

Shannon said...

f.B. - When you have long nails like mine, a 'real fist' gets kinda stabby.

Lacochran - who says there isn't?

Zan - Well, when I'm not terrifying him.

Domo - I'll grow out of it as soon as I know what a trilobite is.

Sceptic said...

You have a doctor who draws blood, not a nurse or other technician? Well, you've never said your blog was reality based, did you?

Shannon said...

Sceptic - Confrontational much? My doctor's office is just him and a receptionist. He does all the sticking and testing himself - he's that retro, and I really appreciate it.