Thursday, June 25, 2009

When You Bet Your Bra Size, Everyone Loses

A few weeks back, I was holding up barstools with my friend Thunderbird. Because we're classy, we started talking about boobs. Because I'm classy, I mentioned that my size is 34A. Because he's even classier, he pointed out that most women wear too-large bands and too-small cups, and that there was no way that 34A could be my size. (I swear I saw him dig out a measuring tape and a jewelry loupe, but that could have been my beer-soaked imagination.)

Well, I can never resist a challenge (unless it involves oars, enclosed spaces, or reality television). So we bet dinner and drinks over whether I wear the correct size. Because, among friends, nothing is more important than brassieres. (Well, among my friends, this why I don't have a lot of friends?)

Tuesday was my Measure of a Woman Day, and I pottered over to the local Vicky's Secret. I located a salesclerk, and requested that my measurements be taken.

Me: I think my bra size has changed. Would you take my measurements?

Clerk: Why would it have changed?

Me: I graduated high school. And filled out. Uh, about fifteen years ago.

Clerk: OK, set your bag down and stand over here please.

I realize, in horror and amazement, that this woman plans on strapping a measuring tape athwart my chest in the middle of a crowded store, downtown, during a sale...

Me: Uh, can we do this in a fitting room?

Her: It's over your clothes.

Me: Humor me.

Moments later, she whips out the (pink!) measuring tape, and she proceeds to measure me.

Her: You're a 33 band size. (more fiddling) And you're halfway between an A and B.

Me: So, my bra size is 33 A/B? That doesn't even exist. Hey, does that mean my bra opens the portal to John Malkovich's brain?

Her: Er, no. What that means is that you can wear a 34A or a 32B. (Note: Those are actually identical...I've been wearing either size for years)

Me: So, I'm wearing the correct size!

Her: Yes.

Me: I WIN!!! I just won a bet.

Her: Congratulations! (seeing me open my phone) Are you texting someone to tell them your bra size?

Me: Um, yeah. (pause) That cool?

Upon further reflection, however, I may not have won. And that's where I need your help. I need you to weigh in on whether I won the Great Bra Size Bet of '09. Factors to consider:

1. This is not the cheapest of bets. Thunderbird and I both drink like a fish fell in love with an Irish dockworker, had two half-fish/half-dockworker babies, and those babies grew up to be us. The bar tab shall be mighty.

2. Technically speaking, my bra size is 33 A/B. Wearing a 34A is a, does that mean my size really is 34A? What is the nature of reality?

3. Victoria's Secret isn't the most scientific way to git 'er done. Should Thunderbird demand a, um, recount?

4. Why on Earth would anyone bet their bra size?

So, folks, dinner, drinks, and the final shards of my dignity weigh in the balance. Consider wisely.
Who won the bet, me or Thunderbird?


Fearless in Toronto said...

Recount! Any bra fitter worth her salt wouldn't measure you on top of your clothes.

Lemmonex said...

Vicky's sucks. You need to go to Nordstrom's or some place a little more legit.

Shannon said...

Fearless - Actually, I tried to give her a shaker of salt, and she said she wasn't worth it.

Lem - What could be more legit than a store with profuse hot pink, and perfumes in plastic bottles? Nothing, I say!

Al In The County said...

I think there's still questions as to the winner, so I think what comes next is going to said bar and talking to others about the bet to get their opinion.

The one that gets the most drinks bought for you through these conversations is declared the winner...

Brett said...

Haha, I have been meaning to post about my recent fitting at Coup de Foudre on E Street - highly recommended, albeit highly pricy lingerie. Because I tend to wear the smallest size everywhere else, I hadn't questioned my 32B "status" in years. Imagine my surprise when la dame francaise stripped me down in the dressing room, measured me in 3 plus places and determined that I was actually a 32D or 34C, depending on bra and brand. It was like a lightning bolt of realization- no wonder I've felt so unsupported all these years... literally. Thanks to the Victoria's Secret catalogue, I thought all bras were supposed to give you mega cleavage. In theory I don't like being a larger size, but I did get some great new (fitting) bras out of the experience, as well as the knowledge that I have a nice rack.

Shannon said...

Al - Boobs have been the pathway to free drinks for many, many years.

Brett - You do, in fact, have a nice rack.

HP said...

I second what Brett said. A second opinion is a good idea regardless, and Coup de Foudre is the place to get 'er done. I'll come with you if you'd like. I haven't been measured since, well, in a while.

Anonymous said...

I should just point out this "Thunderbird" character (okay, it's me) is right to suggest getting accurate measurements every several years, as boob size can fluctuate a good deal and a wrong-fitting bra can lead to all sorts of health problems down the road. Some might say this "T-bird" is a humanitarian!

Shannon said...

HP - Great, now the guys all know what girls do on girls' night out. Get our boobs measured.

Tbird - They're gonna FLUCTUATE? Gross.

Zandria said...

You totally won this bet!!

(And for the record, I've never been measured. I have no idea if I'm wearing the correct size, but I have no complaints!) :)

Malnurtured Snay said...

"a fish fell in love with an Irish dockworker, had two half-fish/half-dockworker babies, and those babies grew up to be us."

So, what you're saying is, you ARE Irish! :)

bh said...

I'm with Lem, if your not going to du Foudre, go to Nordstrom. You need a second opinion.

Or you could just sit in your living room and drink a bunch of natty light and call it "retro" night to ignore the fact your just being cheap.

Shannon said...

Zan - Thanks for your, uh, SUPPORT.

Snay - Not so much. Gah!

bh - Actually, Saturday, I really did drink Boone's Farm and Beast Ice and call it retro night...cheapest gathering I'd ever hosted.

HP said...

Shann-Well, duh. How can we have pillow fights in our underwear if we aren't wearing the right sized bras? It's very important to suit up, no matter what.

Brett said...

oh and can I also point out how punny I was being in my post- Coup de foudre is literally translated as "lightning bolt" (idiom for love at first sight)...
and, thanks, Shannon. I'll be sure to sport more low cut tops around you.

Shannon said...

HP - Exactly! And that's why we braid each other's it can tumble free sexily while we pillowfight.

Brett - Rowr!

Dmbosstone said...

You lost me at bra size...

I think you guys should of established some rules on that... but you are wearing your correct size so I think you win. His loss for not thinking about those factors...

Titania said...

I'd suggest best out of three -- if still unclear, call it a tie, and one can pay for the food and the other for the drinks

Now, I am thinking I need to get resized, Brett's comment freaked me out and I am pretty sure that my 34B historical size may have changed after steroids and 10+ additional pounds...

lacochran said...

You mean he didn't offer to "measure" them for you? What kind of guy is that? Tsk.

You won.

Shannon said...

Dmbosstone - The funny part is that Tbird is a lawyer - you'd think he'd have a contingency plan.

Titania - Best two out of three! Best four out of seven! Best five out of nine!

Lacochran - Forget opening doors and walking on the outside of the sidewalk, chivalry dictates that gentlemen must also measure our chests.

Gilahi said...

I can already give you the results of a recount: 2.

Heather said...

"Hey, does that mean my bra opens the portal to John Malkovich's brain?"

That's a pretty handy bra size there.

And I second receiving a second opinion if large amounts of drinks and dinner is riding on this decision.

Anonymous said...

Hey, another anonymous fan here who thinks this Thunderbird person is totally awesome. I would point out that he sounds like an excellent lawyer, but probably was making this a gentleman's wager (gentlewoman's wager?) since obviously he's trusting your good nature and character to have the measurements done yourself and taking your word for it what those results were. Considering that, it wouldn't make sense for him to have put this in writing or come up with all sorts of contingencies about incompetent sales clerks who think measuring over the clothes is accurate.

Shannon said...

Gilahi - Unless there's something I'm not telling you...

Heather - The most fearful words bandied about were, "Brazilian steakhouse."

Anon who is certainly not TBird - I hear that not only is TBird awesome, he is devastatingly handsome and can shoot lightning bolts out of his fingers.

Shannon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dmbosstone said...

Congrats on your DCBlogs pickup!

Nessa said...

Very entertaining post. I especially liked the john malkovich portal part. HAHA!

I have the very exact same hybrid kind of bra size. But I'm aware of it so I won't bet my drinks on it anytime soon.

Aileen said...

OK, Shannon...I blame you for what I experienced yesterday...

After reading this post, I figured I am long overdue for a fitting, and since I've recently lost weight, it would be a good idea to see if things have changed.

So I headed to Nordstroms to get measured.

For years, I've been wearing a 38 D and have been pretty comfortable, even if the girls were hanging a bit lower than I'd like.

After getting measured, I find out I'm a friggin' 32 G !!!!!

So I now feel like a freak.

Thank you! :)

Dana said...

I don't get measured anymore because I have these ridiculously expanding boobs. I was a 36C until I was pregnant 15 years ago. My latest measurement was 42DDD. I'm afraid to get measured again because that would kick me out of even Lane Bryant.

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