Wednesday, June 25, 2008

How to Be Cool in 10 Steps or Less


1. Purchase white skirt at Benetton. Hey, I never wear white, but it's more than 50% off! Neat!
2. Wear new skirt to work the very next day.
3. Decide at 4:00 that THIS IS THE PERFECT DAY to box up the used toners for recycling.
4. Promptly splash Dell 3010cn-model black toner across front of brand-new skirt.
5. Spend next ten minutes in the bathroom, swabbing skirt with wet paper towels.
6. Realize entire front of skirt is now quite wet.
7. Realize (even though I'm a classy lady and wore a slip) that due to whiteness of skirt, substantial portions of my anatomy are now on display.
8. Spend rest of day at desk, hoping I will not have to stand up for any reason. Hey, but I'm sure it would make a bike courier's day!
9. Vow to never ever again purchase white clothing. Even if I get remarried. To Prince William. At Westminster Abbey. And ride to the ceremony in a carriage pulled by sparkly purple unicorns.
10. Decide TOMORROW IS THE PERFECT DAY to recycle toners.

19 comments:

Lemmonex said...

I bought a white skirt at Benneton yesterday...are we the same person?

I wear white almost daily. BLEACH. It is your friend.

Dana Franks said...

When you marry Prince William, can you please mandate that Robbie Williams must marry me? I'll name the first gorgeous baby Shannon. ;)

Arjewtino said...

Everyone knows unicorns aren't purple.

They're silver.

Shannon said...

Lemm, with the way today is going, I may DRINK the bleach.

Dana, I thought you were going to name all babies Shannon. Even other people's babies.

Shannon said...

Arjew, exactly. Silver unicorns are too commonplace.

Shannon said...

BTW Lem, I bought the knee-length belted skirt with the kick pleats. And you?

Lemmonex said...

Ahh, went with the tight knee-length white pencil skirt...has a naughty secretary vibe.

Tried the belted skirt; not the most flattering. Benneton is generally made for people with NO ASS. I have ass to spare.

Tina said...

I am so very jealous that you and Lemmonex are both slim enough to wear WHITE and on your ass no less!!!

Shannon said...

Lemmonex, Tina, I'm pretty well assless. My behind looks like the inside of a spoon. I'm like I-95 - all north-south, no east or west.

Lemmonex said...

Snort.

I am the opposite. Someone on another site described my ass as "ample" the other day...truer words have never been spoken. (I am also very glad faceless men on the internet have an opinion on my ass! Oh, the power of the world wide web.) I have ass for day, junk in the trunk, booty to spare. I embrace it.

Shannon said...

OK, let's all compare our butts! Who's next?

Johnny said...

I wish you worked at my office.

Ibid said...

When you get a stain like that on your outfit, one that can be cleaned just not there, you go ahead and apply more to make it look intentional. You should have had stripes the rest of the day.

Here's the thing about unicorns, their hair is ... oh, what's the word? It does odd things to the light. So, yeah, when you catch one standing in a field or a beam of sunlight in a clearing it's silvery. In the shade they're not much to look at. Kinda dull colored. But on toward sunset they catch the dying rays of the sunset and are sort of a shimmering, glistening purple or pink or orange depending on the prevailing evening light. At night they're nearly invisible.

And I don't have an ass so much as a hinge.

Lemmonex, I'm glad you embrace your ass. May I?
(alt. response: I like flexible women)

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

hence why I don't wear white pants or skirts.

Everytime I wear white shirt, I always spill something on it - annoying

maryjanejeff said...

Shannon I hope you didn't drink the bleach. :) Or Extreme Energy 6-Hour Shot, which made me such a f**d up wreck that I blogged about it on my Blogspot blog.

Shannon said...

Johnny, nah, I'm the Coworker From Hell.

Ibid, I thought about telling people it was a special designer Rorschach skirt. Also, you've given unicorns WAY too much thought.

Zip, I avoid white, too. For the exact same reason.

MJJ - I won't really drink the bleach. After all, what would y'all do without me?

freckledk said...

I've had a pair of white trousers in my closet for two years now...still with the tags on. I just can't bring myself to do it. Bravo to you for at least giving it a shot.

Ibid said...

What that? That was off the top of my head. You should hear me talk about vampires.

Shannon said...

FreckledK, I'm just glad I didn't pay full price!

Ibid...I don't know whether to be impressed or concerned.