Alert reader Kevin sent me the following gem:
Bridesmaid Contract. According to Newsweek, these are cropping up in not-so-merry olde England as a way of guaranteeing the quality of your bridesmaid experience. I really, really hope it's a hoax.
Among the requirements: cannot gain more than seven pounds, cannot "intentionally" fall pregnant, and, cannot make any drastic hairstyle changes (a Felicity clause! Neat!).
Now, I could go on about bridezillas and entitlement and crazy social trends, but really, what I want to do is give advice to any bridesmaid who is faced with legally sanctioned indentured servitude.
Option one is to run like hell. Totally valid, and probably smart.
Option two is to recognize that the bride is not, was never, and never will be a true friend. You'd be well shot of her, and she deserves to have her Very Special Day sabotaged by a bridesmaid run amok. However, you'll have to be clever about it so you don't get sued. My ideas:
1. "I will agree to wear a dress of the bride’s choosing, regardless of my own opinions about style or colour."
Dead easy, that one. Buy a duplicate of her gown, after all, that is also a "dress of the bride's choosing."
2. "I will not intentionally fall pregnant before the wedding."
I swear it was an accident! I somehow confused my diaphragm with a piece of Tupperware. (Note: fake the pregnancy, not even I'm sick enough to suggest you spawn out of mere spite.)
3. "I will not consume more than 10 units of alcohol during the reception"
Nobody said anything about alcohol units before the ceremony, now did they?
4. "I will be happy and positive at all times during the wedding and reception."
...with a few hits of Ecstasy!
5. "I will not make advances towards any inappropriate male guests attending the reception."
The groom isn't technically a guest.
6. "I will not attempt to out-do the bride in any way"
No matter how many of these suggestions you try, you won't outdo the bride, in any way. Someone who would legally bind her nearest and dearest to an absurd set of expectations will never be outdone.
In the comments section, tell me about the most obnoxious wedding, ever.