Incompetent Advice: Can We Find a Man for Lemmonex?

Darling Shannon:

Not to fan the fire of a million angry men, but I have a half serious/half joking question for you.

I have been reminded on several occasions that time, it is a ticking away. Time for me to find a man, make some babies. Where do I find these men? For reals? I am not a bad catch; have half a brain in my head, can string together coherent thoughts, will watch baseball games, cook, sexually adventurous, very soft hair, my breasts are like whoa...NO MAN. I admit, in the past, to some fairly self defeating behavior when it comes to boys, but I think I am almost there. Must snatch man, eggs slowly dying, youth fading fast...

Thanks for any insights...Lem

No one told you? Lemmonex, you petulant feminist ho, you can merely pull a husband out of your back pocket once you’re good and ready to lead a life of proper subservience and baby-popping.

Kidding aside, I have no idea why some people are single, and others are not. It's so random, and dating, love and marriage are things we actually have very little control over. A lasting relationship comes from timing, luck, chemistry, compatibility, communication, respect, humor, and affection. Those first three hurdles are the toughest: timing, luck and chemistry (yup, T.L.C....barf), and those are also the things you can’t control. Neat, huh? But you can be open to the experience and see what happens next.

So the thing to do is up the quality and quantity of the men you meet. Most advice columnists will tell you to volunteer, take classes, join a church, run up to random men in museums and lick them, etc. Bah. You want a man, not a radical lifestyle shift…correct?

So I’m going to suggest you turn to the Internet. I hereby dare you to post a personals ad on Craigslist (I know, I know…but really, as my dear friend pointed out, Craigslist works sort like Boyfriend Netflix). I’ll be happy to proof your ad and will even help you sift through the inevitable weenie pictures and bad poetry.

Be yourself, throw in a few facts that might be deal-breakers to the wrong guys, and let the right guys select themselves. I'd even say something about how you have baggage...because a man who claims he wants a woman with "no baggage" pretty much wants a blank slate with boobies, not a complex woman who's taken risks and lived a full life.

Or maybe one of my fabulous commenters will take you out for a coffee. Guys? Hello?

And does anyone else have advice, ideas, words of encouragement, etc? (Though please remember actual humans with feelings are involved here, vs. mythical Internet sprites, so please think twice, post once, and keep it respectful.)

PS: I know you’re kidding, but I’d be very careful about the hollering biological clock stuff. Committing to someone out of fear, rather than love, will fall apart in the end and leave you in a worse place then where you began. Live life at your own pace, and tune out the noise.