Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Gather 'Round the 'Ol Icky-Stick!

My weekend was shockingly reproduction-centric.

I went to a barbecue Sunday, where I spent several minutes convinced that I had broken my friend's baby. As it turns out, she had NOT bopped her head into the patio, rather, she was having a tantrum because I had denied her the pleasure of bopping her head into the patio. I also tried to figure out what the various kids there were saying to me, as I could only make out about every third word. (Note to self: get hearing checked, as children under 10 usually sound like they’re conversing in Swedish).

Then yesterday I went to a baby shower, where I had to run a four-hour gantlet of foofy girly talk and not die of estrogen poisoning. I left with the wild urge to drown myself in steak, beer, and six hours of Grand Theft Auto. Instead, I topped off my rugrat weekend by watching Juno.

Once you get past the achingly, self-consciously hip hamburger phones, orange Tic-Tacs and "home skillet" nonsense, it's a pretty good movie. I can't figure out why Diablo Cody thought she needed so much of the quirky stuff, because it detracted from a very interesting story with well-drawn characters. Mostly, though, Juno is a springboard for what I'd really like to ask about today:

Can someone please tell me why people on TV and the movies wave pregnancy tests around, touch them, and hand them off to people?

Off the top of my head, there are pass-around-the-pee-stick scenes in Juno, Knocked Up, Friends, 90210, Waitress, and Will and Grace. I'm sure I could come up with a dozen more if I tried. It's unbelievably gross, and here's why:

Unless you have a precise, Annie Oakley-style urine stream, I imagine some splashing is inevitable. What these people are handing off like a relay baton or water pipe is, in the real world, sprinkled quite liberally with pee. Would anyone in real life really want to touch someone else's used pregnancy test? No! And I can raise that to, "Hell no." Yuck.

So, screenwriters, can we all please declare a moratorium on pregnancy test scenes where characters gather ‘round to manhandle the icky-stick?

PS - This is the last kid, baby, pregnancy, etc./whatever post for a while. Also, how bad is it that I spent 10 minutes trying to work in the phrase, “I want some frickin’ pregnancy tests with frickin' laser beams on their foreheads!”?

14 comments:

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

lmao at fricking pregancy tests with laser beams -- you are one of the funniest bloggers out there - honestly, you need your own column in the post.

I loved Juno - great flick and man that made me miss my hamburger phone! Just kidding, I had the lip phone back in the day.

Shannon said...

Aw, thanks, Zipcode. I always wanted a football phone, even though I don't even like football.

Marissa said...

To be fair, urine is sterile.

Shannon said...

Yes, but I still don't want to touch anybody's pee. I mean, dog saliva is cleaner than human saliva, but that doesn't make the idea of frenching a bichon frise any more appealing.

Marissa said...

Are you sure?

And did I single-handedly just goad you into moderating your comments?

Shannon said...

Dude, that was the world's sexiest rat dog. But still, no.

And if "limited intelligence has a habit of flapping its gob, Shannon is one such example," didn't get me to moderate comments, nothing will.

KassyK said...

I always think the same thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Pee sticks are not to be passed around.
Ever.

Gilahi said...

First, urine is sterile at first, but it doesn't take long at all for wee, sleeket, cowran, tim'rous beasties to start growing in it, providing that lovely ammonia smell. Second, I really appreciate the fact that you ran a "gantlet" and not a "gauntlet", as so many less-literate folks do. Third, I think it should be noted that on "Friends", not only was there a passing-around of a used pregnancy test, it was retrieved from a bathroom trash can.

Shannon said...

Kassy, what, you don't think there should be a pregnancy test relay at the Olympics?

Gilahi, I originally had it as "gauntlet." Then my old j-school training came back and I remembered that it's impossible to run through a glove. Unless it's a really, really big glove.

Anonymous said...

And to think, I always believed nothing good could ever come out of Albuquerque? (And I admit I had to look up how to spell it since, well, getting it wrong would be just plain embarrassing.)

Isn't Big Glove a drama about fashion designers on the Home Shopping Network?

Shannon said...

Ok, anon, out yourself! And it's ALBUQUERQUE (thanks, Professor Mann!).

City Girl DC said...

The only time I think those sticks should be passed around is when the dude you broke up with demands to know if you're pregnant. Give it to him. Hey, I'm just sayin...

Shannon said...

CGDC, I think you may have come up with the only excuse for the pee stick relay.

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