My weekend was shockingly reproduction-centric.
I went to a barbecue Sunday, where I spent several minutes convinced that I had broken my friend's baby. As it turns out, she had NOT bopped her head into the patio, rather, she was having a tantrum because I had denied her the pleasure of bopping her head into the patio. I also tried to figure out what the various kids there were saying to me, as I could only make out about every third word. (Note to self: get hearing checked, as children under 10 usually sound like they’re conversing in Swedish).
Then yesterday I went to a baby shower, where I had to run a four-hour gantlet of foofy girly talk and not die of estrogen poisoning. I left with the wild urge to drown myself in steak, beer, and six hours of Grand Theft Auto. Instead, I topped off my rugrat weekend by watching Juno.
Once you get past the achingly, self-consciously hip hamburger phones, orange Tic-Tacs and "home skillet" nonsense, it's a pretty good movie. I can't figure out why Diablo Cody thought she needed so much of the quirky stuff, because it detracted from a very interesting story with well-drawn characters. Mostly, though, Juno is a springboard for what I'd really like to ask about today:
Can someone please tell me why people on TV and the movies wave pregnancy tests around, touch them, and hand them off to people?
Off the top of my head, there are pass-around-the-pee-stick scenes in Juno, Knocked Up, Friends, 90210, Waitress, and Will and Grace. I'm sure I could come up with a dozen more if I tried. It's unbelievably gross, and here's why:
Unless you have a precise, Annie Oakley-style urine stream, I imagine some splashing is inevitable. What these people are handing off like a relay baton or water pipe is, in the real world, sprinkled quite liberally with pee. Would anyone in real life really want to touch someone else's used pregnancy test? No! And I can raise that to, "Hell no." Yuck.
So, screenwriters, can we all please declare a moratorium on pregnancy test scenes where characters gather ‘round to manhandle the icky-stick?
PS - This is the last kid, baby, pregnancy, etc./whatever post for a while. Also, how bad is it that I spent 10 minutes trying to work in the phrase, “I want some frickin’ pregnancy tests with frickin' laser beams on their foreheads!”?