Baby Shower Games of the Damned

I’m attending a close friend’s baby shower on Monday. Moreover, I’m on the Game Committee.

You know, if I didn't like my friend, and was an envious and passive-aggressive hag, I could really have a great time with this. I could pick out some really, really awful games. There are so many to choose from! (The problem is that then, I would have to play these myself - so, Mom-to-Be, no reason to panic just yet.)

Anyhow, in order from mildly insulting to all-out godawful, here are the top five Shower Games of the Damned from BabyShowerCentral.com:

5. "Pin the Diaper on the Baby Boy"

This is a gag game, so make sure mom-to-be is in a mood to be messed with before attempting. Ask the mother-to-be (or daddy-to-be or anyone else you'd like to play a joke on) to go first. After putting on the blindfold, have someone sneak up on mom and spray her with a small water gun, to prepare her for the "surprises" we get when changing a baby boy's diaper!

Translation: This is a gag game in which urine and public humiliation are HILARIOUS.

4. "My Water Broke"

Give each guest a water balloon, and have them place the balloon between their knees. Pair guests into teams if desired. Have the guests run or walk without dropping their water balloon. Once a balloon is dropped, that player/team is out of the game.

Translation: I can think of nothing I’d rather do in a sundress and heels than run around the backyard, making sweet love to a water balloon in front of two dozen strangers.

3. "Be the Baby"

Choose one guest, usually the father-to-be, to be the baby. Have guests take turns performing actions such as dressing/feeding/burping the baby.

Translation: Wow, who can pass up such a golden opportunity to manhandle your friend’s husband?

2. "Name that Poop"

Fill baby diapers (real or made from napkins/paper) with things like crushed candy bars, rocky road ice cream, mustard, chocolate cake, etc. Have guests determine what each "poop" is.

Translation: Oh, wow, this is just too disgusting for words. OK, we all know that many new parents become dull people who talk about nothing but their babies and the texture of their poop…do we really need to suffer through all that BEFORE the baby even arrives?

1. "Teddy Bear Kiss"

Pass a teddy bear, or baby doll, around the room and have each guest kiss the bear. After everyone has kissed the bear, have them kiss the mom to be in the exact same spot they kissed the bear.

Translation: And here we have it, folks, the Most Appalling Baby Shower Game Known to Man. Or woman. Or little green Martians. This game is, basically, a lesbian gang rape of a pregnant woman. Which is illegal in all 50 states, but I am sure is a popular sub-genre in the porno universe.

Or we could just do a word jumble and get on with our lives.

In the comments section, tell me the most appalling thing you ever saw at a shower, or take a moment to thank sweet baby Jesus that you’re a man and you can skip these things.