Thursday, May 08, 2008

Alcohol Makes You Smarter and More Perceptive!


Frequent commenter Lemmonex, who shares my tragic love for redneck cuisine, recently said, “Gotta love the guys in bars who think they have you figured out. I once went on a date with a guy who said I had 'an obvious need to rebel.' When I asked him why he said that, it was because of my nose stud and dark grey nail polish. Man, he saw in to my SOUL.”

This got me thinking. Why does alcohol make some guys so darn perceptive? Over the years, I’ve had random drunk dudes tell me I’m a “force of nature,” I’m “unlikely to ever marry,” and that I have “obvious daddy issues.” Is a sixer of MGD a valid psychiatric credential?


I can’t figure out if it’s some sort of accelerated pickup technique, in which a lady is mocked and intruded upon until she spontaneously removes her underpants. Or it’s an unintentional lack of manners: as inhibitions get fuzzed with booze, guys start crossing lines and telling girls who they are.

Or, possibly, booze depresses testosterone production. I’ve never seen sober guys sit around psychoanalyzing and nitpicking the personalities of others, that’s mostly a girl thing. But some drunk guys will indulge in more unrepentant pop-psych than an eighth-grade mean girl.

Conclusion: Booze turns dudes into chicks. Tweener chicks.

In the comments section, tell me about that time you got pop-psyched in a bar. Or advance a cockamamie theory of your very own.

22 comments:

Ibid said...

You're not a force of nature? When the building shook and rumbled Tuesday afternoon I told my co-workers that was you going off on someone.

Statements like that are likely to get a response. They're better conversation starters than "you know why most women masturbate with these two fingers? They're mine."

Lemmonex said...

The thing is, I remembered it right? It irritated me, but it stuck.

Also, if I had a dollar for every time some guy called me a "spitfire". It always comes after I use one specific word...

Shannon said...

Ibid, I'm a "nice shoes, wanna screw?" fan, myself.

Lemmonex, it's weird, isn't it? I can even blank on when my own birthday is, but I'll always remember when some random bar dude goes off on me.

Ibid said...

"But what good is winning the lottery when you have a weak heart?"

Gilahi said...

Among things that seem to be universally reviled are telephone solicitors, popup ads, and guys with pickup lines in bars. You will never hear anyone say that these things are effective and, in fact, most people will tell you just the opposite.

Still, if they didn't work often enough to make it profitable, then they would fade from existence. Somebody somewhere is really screwing it up for the majority of us.

Thankfully, I'm an old married guy now and haven't been exposed to the single bar scene in longer than I'd care to admit. Still have to put up with the popups and phone solicitors, though.

Ibid said...

I had a teacher in middle school who claimed he and a friend convinced a couple of women they were on the Olympic Synchronized Equestrian Swimming Team.

Shannon said...

Gilahi, welcome! I don't really get the guys that pop-psych the women they meet in bars. Like, "You're wearing furry boots, that means your favorite magazine is Us Weekly and you'll have three bratty kids."

What I'm wondering is if that sort of pop-psych pickup has ever worked. If it has, I'd love to meet the woman it worked on.

Shannon said...

And, Ibid, that's hilarious. Trust me, horses do NOT swim in formation.

Gilahi said...

Now that you mention it, a bunch of us locals in Atlanta once got the attention of a Yankee girl by telling her that Stone Mountain Lake had freshwater sharks in it. That was a long time ago....

capitulatenow said...

Say, this bar psychoanalysis thing sounds related to all that lame "The Game" stuff. Did these men seem like the types that would attend pick-up artist seminars? Did they also carry around dryer lint, so they could pretend to pick it off your clothes? Were they totally gross? If so, I believe you have your answer.

Oh man, I just Googled "insulting women negs" (apparently that's what it's called? "Negging?"). Excuse me while I go read all this stuff and barffff

Shannon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shannon said...

Gilahi, I would have fallen for that one. I fell for, "Gullible isn't in the dictionary." I went straight across to check it out.

CapNow, I would be utterly freaked if a man planted lint on me then tried to pick it off. At least it's better than the time the cops planted all that meth on me, then threw me in jail.

Johnny DC said...

I dont touch alcohol.
It decreases your performance in the sack.

Also, if you really dig, my first statement might be a lie.

Also, I like this site.

Marissa said...

Um...not to be pro bad pick up lines or "game" or whatever, but if someone actually is wearing furry boots, there isn't a bad chance that her favorite magazine is Us Weekly and she will have (at least) three bratty (and tacky) children. Just sayin'.

And I bet if a (gnarly) guy were to go up and tell that to the woman in the furry boots, she would fall for it. I mean, let's not overestimate the intelligence level of the average girl with such a low taste level.

Yes, I'm stuck up and snobby like that. Everyone, just deal with it.

Shannon said...

Johnny, your secret is safe with us! Also, it doesn't count as touching alcohol if you go hands-free and drink out of a straw.

The other dirty secret is that Marissa cruises the bars in Guido drag, offering psychoanalysis/creepy pickups/fashion advice to all women in furboots or flip-flops.

Harking back to what Gilahi said earlier, I don't know which depresses me more: that the "negging" Game stuff exists, or that enough women go for it that it's a worthwhile pursuit.

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

Ahh, good post, when silly guys find out what I do for a living - I get the "you are too much a girl to be doing that!"

really WTF? men + drunk = good laughs

Shannon said...

Zipcode, thanks! What, do you operate jackhammers for a living? Because that would rule.

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

lmao at calling me zipcode, I like it - I think I might bring ya back a trinket from California....

nah - Im in law enforcement.

Angelo De La Vega said...

I’ve always thought it was just the natural evolution of bad kindergarten flirting. When you were four and you liked a girl, then you would elicit a response from her by stealing her crayon and running across the room. Now, at our age, stealing a girl’s purse and running across the room elicits an entirely more hostile response, so the aloof among us are forced into bad psychoanalysis flirting.

Here’s the catch though: in both the crayon and psycho babel cases, you can usually gauge her interest by her reaction. If she responded by stealing your notebook in kindergarten then she usually had a crush on you too.

Shannon said...

20210, we could have used you at Nissan last night, especially if you pack heat.

Angelo, hi! The thing is, I'd almost rather the boys pull on my braids and call me smelly.

Anonymous said...

It is very pathetic conditon to be addicted to alcohol. It spoils our life and liver. So try to come out of it. Visit us, here we provided useful informative tips and treatment for alcohol addiction.

_______________

David Francis

Alcohol abuse affects millions. This site has a lot of useful information.

Alcohol Abuse

lauran said...

This is a very nice post.In my opinion alcohol addition spoil the persons life.
-------------
lauran
http://www.alcoholtreatmentclinics.com